If I were at a parole hearing, I would basically be as whiny and beg-tastical (let me have it) as one of those Boyz II Men tracks, but I guess he got it.

Live footage of me watching this:

“I never got into fights in the public.” Well, we’ve seen photographs of you clearly attacking someone. You would think someone who used to be as rich as he was would’ve at least leased some self-awareness.

O.J. is a Baptist? Can’t wait for the “I don’t her” tweets.

I love that the parole board heard O.J.’s account and hit him with a smooth “nah.”

I want a rapper - maybe me if I get my life together and book studio time - to loop O.J. Simpson constantly saying “my property” and flip it into a track.

An MSNBC/NBC analyst said it was looking good for O.J. to be granted parole, but I guess when Johnnie Cochran can’t coach you from the beyond, you’re doom for self-sabotage. Watch your tone, Black man. Yes, you’re still Black, O.J. I wonder does he know that by now.

O.J. raised his voice a little at the man. Settle down, Bronco Boy. You want to get out before Blue Ivy drops another rap verse.

Did O.J. just say no one has ever accused him of never pulling out a weapon on them? Can someone lead an impromptu séance? I believe there are two people who feel otherwise. Allegedly or whatever.

O.J. is also noticeably wrinkle-free. Show me your non-abusive ways, Orenthal James.

I am so glad someone mentioned his skin. It’s glowing and so clear and he’s old enough to date Blanche Devereaux - even from the grave - yet his skin is so clear. It’s glowing even. Disclaimer: this does not mean I support accused murderers, but I do want to know if someone is putting money on his books strictly for…

This monologue O.J. is delivering is giving me “Tyler Perry movie if Tyler tried harder while using Final Draft.”

O.J. is already flexing the thespian skills he learned from The Naked Gun movies.

They are cracking jokes at O.J.’s parole hearing. He might as well start two-stepping and ask the woman if she’d like to dance with him to “Before I Let Go.” She is his type, no shade.

In sum, Sessions is a forgetful jackass who shouldn’t be attorney general and I hate myself for watching this Alabama doo doo bug dance around the truth. Well, I hate myself for watching everything minus this:

Mood:

Jack Reed did a fine job of making Jeff Sessions sound stupid. Salute.

Notice that Sessions told Sen. Reed that he was sorry for interrupting him yet whined about Sen. Harris. I can only imagine what made that walking whites only water fountain more congenial to him than her.

Sen. Cornyn pretending to care about what James Comey did to Hillary Clinton is about as worthy a performance as Stacey Dash in anything she’s ever done.

Sen. John McCain, who felt compelled to admonish Sen. Harris during her time, isn’t even on this committee. I wish that fake maverick would retire already.