I know I’m not the only one that felt some type of way when Damon continued his unwarranted attack on grits. It’s like he went into a Juneteenth celebration and yelled, “This is a fake 4th of July!” But don't worry my country black people. I'm here to reaffirm your country-fied blackness to a new level beyond our beloved grits, sugar or no sugar. Here are the top black people you’ll run into in the country. Note: You should read the rest of this article with Big K.R.I.T.’s “Country Shit” playing in the background and a pot of neck bones simmering on the stove for your supper (pronounced suh-puh).
Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie. Shug is a nickname for sugar bear. (No relation to this Sugar Bear, at all.) It’s a nickname often given to someone with a sweet personality, just like Cookie. This is a paradox for two main reasons. One, you would think someone with such a simple nickname would have a just as simple real name. However, their real name often sounds like something from a Shakespearian play, like Thelonious Monk, III or Bartholomule. Two, Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie are often not sweet at all. They will expose your dirty draws. If they don’t like your girlfriend, “What are you doing with her fat, ugly ass? You know you could do better.” If you’re in a slump, “What your lazy ass been up to? You can’t work.” Yeah, every country black person knows an Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie that is both crass and entertaining.
Dude named after an inanimate object. Names include Spoon, Cornbread, Diamond, Train, Pork Chop, Cucumber, Crawfish Stain, or any street name. How did they get these names? I don’t know. What are their real names? I don’t know. These country bamas are the country-est of the country-est. They’re about 40 years old riding a low-speed bike. They’re that cousin that your grandma always says “smells like outside”—a combination of freshly cut grass, gasoline and musk. This is often because they walk around with a lawnmower soliciting to cut your grass for $10-20.
Dude named after an animal. Duck, Raccoon, Rabbit, Horse, Dolphin, Kangaroo, Honey Badger, Koala Bear, Wombat, Timon and Pumbaa. These are all names of the slick talker you’ll find in the country. He often talks with a heavy tongue, speaks with a strong accent (especially when pronouncing words like “shrimp” and “thunder”), has one or two gold teeth, and is more than likely a retired plug. Believe nothing this mofo says.
Lady Jean aka the Food Plug. She can cook up a storm. Why a storm? IDK. But if there was a hurricane named Jean on its way, the whole neighborhood would stay because we know the food would be LIT! Jean is the food plug for weddings, baby showers, family reunions, divorce parties, repasses, etc. The conversation of any event often centers around Jean’s cooking. Me, “Guh, where you at?” Her, “I’m at the repass.” Me, “Who did the repass?” Her, “You know Jean threw down.” Me, “Oh my God! Bring me a plate…by the way…who passed?”
Niecy. Niecy is the girl your grandmother calls hussy under her breath each time you mention her name. She’s young, or at least appears to be, and is what others would traditionally call a gold-digger. She always has money, drives a big body (a Camaro or Challenger) and always carry a Gucci hand bag full of money. How does she earn this money? If you let her tell it, modeling. Truth be told, she’s fooling with a married man twice her age. You barely see her because she parties in Miami or Atlanta every other week and moves to and from Houston every six months. Whenever she returns, she acts brand new knowing damn well her sugar daddy dropped her for his wife for good.
Willie Charles, Willie Mac, Willie D. Anybody with the name Willie, but for the sake of simplicity, I’ll just use Willie Charles. He dresses like a reformed pimp even though he may have never been one. He has a damp Jheri curl (damp because it’s always 2 drips short of being dehydrated), repeatedly wears suits tailored-made by Steve Harvey, and rides around in a 1999 Cadillac DeVille bumping swing out music like "hell naw to naw naw naw.” Other accessories include a cowboy hat and some snake skin gators. (Don’t ask.) He’s basically a Bootsie Collins degenerate, and he’s also a staple within the community. He’s the bishop, the mortician, the recreation center coordinator, and the lead city council member. For real, for real, he’s the legal connect.
Donna Mae, Lisa Mae, Anna Mae, Sallie Mae. If you know anybody named Mae, you’re probably country as hell. Matter of fact, I know about four or five people with the word Mae in their names. I guess that makes me chitin juice country. Anna Mae, June Bug and nem momma, is often the matriarch of the family. She’s a God-fearing woman with much clout within the community. And because she’s so popular in the community, she knows everybody’s business. That doesn’t mean she’ll tell you though. You have to catch her slippin’. Get her while she’s upset. For instance, she just burned her pot of greens. This a fine time to ask her about Niecy. “Ain’t nobody stutin’ that nasty heifer. Then went and got the itch from sleeping with D’Brickashaw.” Yes, Anna Mae—the epitome of being country.
If you know anyway of these characters, have faith my people. Your country bama ways have been confirmed and reaffirmed.
Cypress Moss is what peak Negritude looks like. His favorite pastimes include moaning in the key of Aretha during Mufasa's assassination in the Lion King and wearing a white fedora in the southern heat. You can catch him writing at TheRawSuga.com when the Spirit moves him.