It's impossible to deny that Kimberly Noel Kardashian West has a nice ass. But now, in 2014, acknowledging the quality of Kimberly Noel Kardashian West's ass is like acknowledging that bacon burgers usually include bacon. Pictures, video clips, and gifs of her ass are so ubiquitous, so pervasive that it's turned the provocative mundane. Kimberly Noel Kardashian West’s ass is a late tax statement. A half-empty cup of cranberry juice on a counter. A nice chair at a coffee house.
To wit, seeing Kimberly Noel Kardashian West's ass as part of a PAPERMAG cover story was the third most interesting thing I did Tuesday night, behind "counting the spins my dog makes right before he takes his evening shit" (three) and "watching Friday After Next while my wife created a Mint.com account to track our monthly expenses."
Yet here I am, writing about something not interesting enough anymore to write about. And, although I haven't read anything about it yet, I'm certain there will be hundreds more pieces about Kimberly Noel Kardashian West's ass by dawn that will claim Kimberly Noel Kardashian West's ass is not interesting enough anymore to write about. When added to the throngs of people writing, reporting, tweeting, and status messaging about why Kimberly Noel Kardashian West's ass won't break the internet, Kimberly Noel Kardashian West's ass — a singularity; a mass of dense dark matter that manages to be everything you need to know and absolutely, positively nothing that will ever matter at the same time — will likely break the internet.
Fuck this. I'm going to bed.