Good morning, everyone!
You mean, “Good morning to everyone but Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver.” Fuck that guy.
Well, that escalated quickly. What did he do to you?
You didn’t hear about the bombshell report ESPN dropped yesterday about that racist, sexist piece of shit? It was all over the internet!
Nah, my Thursday was kinda...crazy. What happened?
Aiight, so ESPN spoke with more than 70—
70?!
Yeah, bruh. More than 70 former and current employees who’ve worked for the Suns ever since Sarver bought the team in 2004, and ummm...it ain’t pretty.
Oh, word? How ugly we talking? Like, on a scale of Flavor Flav to—
It’s ugly, bruh. Like, “How come Draymond Green can use the n-word and I can’t?!” ugly. Like, “There’s literally nothing you could tell me about him from a misogynistic or race standpoint that would surprise me” ugly. Like, “the level of misogyny and racism is beyond the pale” ugly. Obviously, those aren’t my quotes, but you really gotta read this shit. It’s wild.
OK, yeah. No good mornings for Robert Sarver then. But do tell.
OK, so that whole Draymond Green thing. Allegedly that happened back in 2016 after Phoenix played Golden State. Sarver ran up on Suns coach Earl Watson in the coach’s locker room and was like, “Why does Draymond Green get to run up the court and say ‘nigga’?”
Wait, did he say “nigga” or did he use the hard “R”? I’m trying to determine how racist this dude is—and details matter.
Listen, nigga—without the hard “R”—I don’t know! I wasn’t there! All I know is that when Earl told him he couldn’t say it, Sarver dipped in his clueless white man bag and was like, “Why not? Draymond Green says ‘nigga’!”
You lying.
Oh, you thought that was the only time Sarver was out here sounding like Chet Hanks? In 2013, Sarver was explaining to someone on his staff why he hired Lindsey Hunter instead of Suns legend Dan Majerle as coach, and he straight up said, “These niggers need a nigger.”
With the hard “R”?!
Nigga, I suppose! But there were also instances where a Suns exec—who’s white—kept calling one of the former employees “Carlton” and telling the employee to “do the Carlton” for him, which another former employee called “super racist” in the report.
Wait, “do the Carlton”? As in the dance?
Oh, hell nah. That whole organization is wildin’.
I mean, yeah. Look at who the owner is. It starts at the top and clearly he’s surrounded himself with equally obtuse individuals. Apparently, Sarver also has a penchant for talking about how big his dick is during staff meetings and asked Suns players about “the sexual prowess of their significant others.”
The hell? Why is this man talking about his dick in a staff meeting?
A better question is why was this dude passing around pictures of his wife in a Suns bikini, but I digress. I guess that’s just par for the course when you’re the type of dude who haggles pregnant employees and tells them “they won’t be able to continue in that role” because they’ll be breastfeeding and need to stay home with their kid.
Wait, what? Who says shit like that?
Robert Sarver. You know what else he says? “I don’t like diversity,” when Earl Watson called him out on the lack of it within the organization. There was also the time Sarver asked, “Why do all you women around here cry so much?” when an employee burst into tears after he bitched and moaned that a tribute video that was made to honor then-Suns executive Rick Welts didn’t feature him enough. He then insisted that some of his Suns female employees have lunch with some of the female employees at his bank because he believed it would toughen them up.
Huh?
He felt like the women who worked for him with the Suns weren’t as tough as the women who worked at the bank.
Yo, this dude is truly a Grade-A piece of shit.
He would also ask female employees, “Do I own you? Are you one of mine?” A recurring theme throughout the report is that Sarver views women as possessions, not equals. He also refers to his staff and players as “inventory.”
Anything else of note in the report?
I mean, in order to gain an edge in free agency, there was the time that Sarver told members of his front office that the Suns needed to have local strippers impregnated by NBA players so that those players would have kids in the Phoenix area and feel obliged to be closer to them. There was also the time during the 2018-19 season when Sarver was so pissed with how poor the Suns were playing that he drew up his own plays in the locker room—which, of course, were nonsensical. But it all sounds completely on-brand for a dude who is world-renowned for meddling with the team.
Goddamn, Chris Paul can’t catch a break! Has Sarver said anything since this report was published?
Once he caught wind that it was coming, he tried to discredit it prior to its release. But on Thursday, he put out a statement that came for ESPN reporter Baxter Holmes that pretty much amounted to, “I didn’t do it. Please don’t take my team away.”
What about the NBA? You already know NBA commissioner Adam Silver is sitting there like, “Again?!?!”
Seriously. After that whole Donald Sterling debacle, you already know Adam Silver has to be tight. But the NBA has launched an investigation in order to figure out just how much of a piece of shit this dude really is, so I guess we get to wait and see what happens.
Have any Suns players or coaches said anything yet?
Nope. But I’m sure Chris Paul is off somewhere throwing chairs. Before the report came out, Monty Williams did speak to reporters about the situation and said he didn’t want it to become a distraction. That man just went to the finals. He ain’t trying to be bothered with this shit.
Yo, this whole situation sounds insane. Are there any—
Would you just read the fucking report already and stop bombarding me with questions so I can go on about my day? Damn!
Aiight, aiight. My bad. Let me go read this shit.