We’ve all been there before. And by “we” I mean, “if you’re black and you’ve ever been behind the wheel of a car.”
You’re driving along, minding your black-ass business, and blasting Rick Ross or some other unapologetically ignant music at obnoxious levels, and you glance into your rearview and notice a cop behind you with the flashers on.
“Shit!” you say, as you quickly scan your car for any possible item—a toy gun, another black person, a box of Kleenex, etc.—that could possibly scare the cop enough to arrest and/or shoot you. Scan complete, you then consider turning down your music. And then, after 0.000001 seconds of consideration, you turn down your fucking music because you don’t want them to accuse you of assaulting a cop’s eardrums or some shit and have justification to shoot you.
Turning down the music isn’t enough, though. The cop might roll up to your window right in the middle of one of Rozay’s grunts, and even a low-volume Rozay grunt is enough to scare a cop enough to shoot you. So you have to quickly find a new song.
Because this scenario occurs far more often than it should, I assume that most of you have at least a few dozen songs you know you can switch to when this happens. These songs aren’t necessarily only on your playlists for this reason. You do genuinely like them. They just also happen to be, well, less likely to lead to your death by cop. It’s kinda like if you happen to invite Susan or Connor from work to your game night, and the party makes so much noise that someone calls the cops, guess who just got nominated for door-answering and cop-appeasing duty? Basically, these songs are your Susan.
Anyway, here are my most popular go-tos.
1. “Let It Happen,” by Tame Impala
It’s peppy enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
2. “Talk Show Host,” by Radiohead
It’s somber enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
3. “To the Max,” by Drake
It’s Drake enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
4. “Could We Start Again, Please?” by Yvonne Elliman (from Jesus Christ Superstar)
It’s Jesus-y enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
5. “White Rabbit,” by Jefferson Airplane
It’s hippie enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
6. “Integrity,” by Ne-Yo
It’s corny and sweet enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
7. “Dream Is Collapsing,” by Hans Zimmer (From the Inception soundtrack)
It’s dramatic enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
8. “Seigfried,” by Frank Ocean
It’s beautiful enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
9. “Love on Top,” by Beyoncé
It’s happy enough to maybe prevent you getting shot in the face by a terrified cop.
10. “I Am a God,” by Kanye West
Shit. You’re probably gonna get shot in the face by a terrified cop.