Hi. My name is Panama Jackson, and I’m a reliever. I’m the Mariano of the Uri-nott. I hit the restroom—public or private—and I get to that gee whiz. I’ve been pissing for about 38 years now, and one thing I’ve noticed over time is that there are lots of different ways to piss at a urinal. Except at the Superdome in New Orleans. I don’t know if it’s still like this, but I remember the first time I went there in the late ’90s, and it was just a big-ass bowl with a drain in the middle of the bathroom and, like, 20 dudes at a time just laissez-ing les bon temps roulez.
Thing is, given that there are a lot of ways to piss at a urinal—6 million ways to die? Try 6,000,001 ways to piss (I’m going to list five)—they all must say something about who we are. Luckily, today I’ve decided to quite scientifically, without proof, analyze several of the most common and different ways to urinate at a urinal and what that says about you.
(I started to include pictures of myself attempting to engage in all of these stances, but it’s harder than you think to perform No. 4.)
1. The Two-Hand Regular Degular
You know this stance. It’s the one where you just go to the urinal, pull out and piss. There’s no art to it. No fancy angles—this one is just about getting the job done.
What does this say about you? You wear Levi’s 501 jeans and probably listen to NPR. You bowl around 80 and drink Long Island iced teas well into your 40s. People trust you, though, and believe that you know how to take the square root of shit like 35.
2. The One-Hand Hold and Lean
Typically executed by holding your legs equidistant with your shoulders, pulling out and then using only one hand to hold your johnson, then leaning back, just so, to show that urinal who is boss.
What does this say about you? You are kind of a narcissist. You definitely still pop your collar and get hype when “This Is How We Do It” comes on, no matter where you are. Also, you wear your sunglasses at night. On a positive note, also most likely to be elected president even if you don’t know shit.
3. The “Look Ma, No Hands”
This is for those of you who pull out and put your hands up on your hips. Also known as the “Grandpa” and the “Awwwwwww.” Not ideal, as a strong stream could make a mess, but then again, that’s probably not your problem.
What does this say about you? You definitely don’t wash your hands after using the restroom and probably find people’s hands to shake. You put your whole mouth around the lip of bottles and only drive American-made cars. Probably used to think “sword fighting” was as fun as Zelda.
4. The Pants-on-the-Ground Two-Hand Jimmy Juggle
This is what you see when you walk into the public bathroom and spot somebody with REALLY big drawz and their Dockers around their ankles at the urinal. No glory hole action here; this is purely for comfort, not for speed.
What does this say about you? You have no couth. You are uncouth. And have nowhere to be, ever. Probably a librarian or somebody who speaks very quietly as a rule while scolding people who can’t hear you. Definitely have a flip phone and think the Dewey decimal system and standing in line for financial aid were just fine. You also make noise while urinating, much to the chagrin of everybody else around you. You do wash your hands, though—and your face, every time you hit the urinal.
5. The Dancer
You write your name in urine on the porcelain urinal and shake enough to make others wonder if you’re just playing with yourself. You move around a lot, often shifting your body weight between legs enough to make others wonder if there’s music playing or if you’re inebriated. It’s possible that it’s both.
What does this say about you? You play too much. But you’re probably fun at parties even though you bump the DJ tables enough to have the DJs in your town ready to fight every time they see you. You think everyone needs shots even when nobody does, and believe in causes like bike shares and saving birds—all of them. You also probably think Katy Perry is underrated.