Trump Isn’t Just Bullying Schools Into Reopening in the Fall, He’s Now Threatening to Withhold Funding If They Don’t [Updated]

I play this game with my 10-month-old daughter in which I put my hands over her eyes and then pull them away, and for that second that her eyes are covered, she really believes that I’ve disappeared.

That’s been the president’s plan for the coronavirus—the Thanos of viruses, the 1996 Suge Knight of Death Row Records of viruses, the 1986 no-socks Mike Tyson of viruses—to hope that if he doesn’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.

The president is also bat shit crazy and dumber than a bag of rocks that dropped out of high school and developed a nasty meth habit. Because the president knows that he’s fighting an uphill battle for reelection and the country definitely won’t be fucking with him in November if we are still wearing masks and using hand sanitizer on our key rings, the president has put his tiny fingers over his eyes and believes that the coronavirus has disappeared.

Not only is he pushing to reopen schools as the coronavirus is still playing Godzilla throughout the U.S., but the president of people who would rather fight a Costco worker than wear a fucking mask is now threatening to withhold funding to any school that doesn’t reopen in the fall.

Oh, and the president who holds degrees in “I got potty by myself” and “Asparagus make pee pee smell strange” doesn’t believe that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention knows what they are doing so he’s going to meet with them so that they can try to contain their faces when he says things like the U.S. is in a good place against the virus.

From CNN:

The coronavirus pandemic is again rearing out of control, rising in a majority of states as a new warning comes that more than 200,000 Americans could be dead by Election Day. The United States on Tuesday recorded 60,021 new cases of the virus, a new single day record.

But Trump barreled forward anyway, failing to offer detailed proposals or planning on the imminent question of how schools could open safely as soon as next month even as he admitted he intended to crank up pressure on governors to do what he wants.

“I would say that when we talk about the fall, that seems like a long time. It’s a long time,” Trump said in an interview Tuesday with Nexstar Media Group.

Basically, for those who haven’t been paying attention, the coronavirus hit and started shaking the tables and scientists and doctors and people trained to deal with this shit told Trump a plan. The problem is that the plan didn’t coincide with Trump getting reelected so Trump ditched that plan as he has basically been using the “hand over eyes” approach to the coronavirus. He doesn’t care that people are dying or that the infection rate is soaring. It looks bad for business so he’s politicized a pandemic and made two camps: those who believe that the coronavirus is real and adhere to recommendations by the CDC and those who believe that roadkill is just God’s way of providing dinner.

It’s why the president has now come out against top infectious disease specialist, Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is a doctor of infectious disease, so it’s safe to say he knows what he’s talking about. In what arguably may be the dumbest move in the history of presidents, Trump has refused to wear a mask in public and refuses to promote masks because it makes him look weak.

And Trump’s still out here running with his eye covered throwing out all kind of wishful lies like the one he told Gray Television’s Greta Van Susteren on Tuesday, in which he claimed that the virus which has already killed 130,000 Americans and infected some 3 million would just die down in a few weeks.

“We’ve done a good job. I think we are going to be in two, three, four weeks ... I think we’re going to be in very good shape,” Trump said, adding that the spike in numbers are just fires that would be extinguished in a few weeks.

Closing your eyes doesn’t make it go away; neither does trying to get back to normal when the virus is still running amok. At this point, our only hope is to minimize the damage the president can do (maybe they can extend his presidential nap time) until November when, hopefully, he’s voted out. That’s assuming, of course, that Kanye doesn’t fuck it all up.

Updated: Wednesday, July 8, 2020, 2:20 p.m. ET: So get this shit, the president and his goons met with the CDC, who are now “Tootsie sliding” back on its recommendations claiming that they were only suggestions and not requirements for schools to open.

“We don’t want the guidance from CDC to be a reason why schools don’t open,” Pence said, the Washington Post reports. “I think that every American, every American knows that we can safely reopen our schools. … We want, as the president said this morning, to make sure that what we’re doing doesn’t stand in the way of doing that.”

At the task force briefing, CDC Director Robert R. Redfield was among the administration officials who said their guidelines weren’t mandatory and that basically state and local officials have the final call. So if your state is led by a goddamn idiot, like say Florida, then schools will be forced to opened while white women are out here licking doors.

“Our recommendations are not requirements, and they’re not meant to be prescriptive,” Redfield said.

The CDC requirements weren’t even that involved. All they were asking for from schools was that desks are kept “at least six feet apart and facing the same direction.” Kids would have “lunch in classrooms, staggered arrival times, cloth masks for staff and daily temperature screenings for everyone.”

I am confused as to what about this is too much when you consider that children, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, are gotdamn germ machines. The other day, on our walk, my son picked up an orange peel off the ground and I almost vomited. I couldn’t get the hand sanitizer off my utility belt fast enough.

Meanwhile, when Pence was asked to explain Trump’s tweet that he was going to withhold funding to schools that didn’t open up on time, the vice president, who may be a robot, kept repeating “System malfunction” before he was rushed from the room by his aides.