Essentially, everything about Fetty Wap is an anomaly; his name sounds like a colloquialism for masturbation or a Great Value brand version of a "Money Dance." He's from New Jersey yet sounds like an Atlanta artist, and while he reps Haiti to the fullest, he isn't remotely West Indian. For real, he had some griot and decided, "Yup, this is me now." We already live in an era where Chris Brown and Lil Wayne can become Make-A-Wish Foundation Honorary Bloods and Rick Ross is still purporting himself as a Colombian Drug Lord, so why can't Fetty Wap be a Haitian ATLien if he wants to be? Do you, Fetty. And Fetty sure did.
Enter "Trap Queen", which is not only the song of the summer, but may live on long past its days because well, White people have gotten their hands on it. This wasn't unexpected. It has all the essentials. Which means it has a catchy hook about shopping, driving, and cooking. And they get that it's ratchet so they can like it ironically. I even got one of those annoying coworker emails with the subject line "I'm Like Hey, Wassup, Hello." It was then I poured out a little liquor for "Trap Queen." Its officially on the list of urban songs that White people love way more than we do.
***Before I continue; Do I have to really say that I don't actually mean all White people but rather a particular segment of White people you know I'm referencing? I know I don't, but I will anyway. I don't actually mean ALL white people but rather a particular segment of White people you know I'm referencing. Now let us mourn our expropriated jams***
"Bling Bling"
The OG of this shit, really. A White person wouldn't know B.G. if he came out from the hole in the wall, saved them from a house fire, and took a selfie outside the burning home. And pickpocketed them because B.G. looks like someone who would still pickpocket you. (Editor's note: Me neither. He could be sitting on my couch right now while rapping "Bling Bling" and I'd be thinking "Who's this dude trying to serenade me before he robs me? And why does he smell like crawfish?") But damn if they don't know "Bling Bling"
"Ignition Pt II"
Was there actually an "Ignition pt 1"? Nevermind. Don't answer. It doesn't matter because whichever song came before it was irrelevant because when R Kelly gave us a preview of the remix nothing was the same. Then white people Columbused it, despite the fact that they DON'T EVEN HAVE FROS TO RUB HANDS IN.
"Single Ladies"
Who doesn't love a good breakup song by a happily married woman? It's petty, simple and despite all the dancing in the video when it came on in the club, it really just required your single ass to wave your drink in a circle. Which White women apparently love to do.
"All of Me"
Radio had already made a consensus decision to do away with any R&B love songs not sung by a White person. Then in comes John Legend, with an ode to his wife and White people ate it up because they love them some Chrissy. So much that John is basically able to dangle her in front of them like a carrot and be as unapologetically Black as he wants to without any backlash. Chrissy Teigen gives John Legend whatever the opposite of a "hood pass" is.
"Ridin Dirty"
Is there anything more ironic than a song about racial profiling blowing up and White people still not believing it exists? No, Billy, no one is trying to catch you riding dirty with your suspended license. Also, for the record, that Sound of Revenge album banged. Debate your uncle's new girlfriend who insists you call her auntie and likes all your Facebook posts.
"Hey Ya"
"Hey Ya" was the perfect storm, iTunes had just launched and people were able to buy songs from artists they weren't really checking for so while White people ain't REALLY get Speakerboxx/The Love Below, they did rock with the song that kinda sounded like The Ramones and told them to shake it like a Polaroid.
"This is How We Do It"
Nothing quite tells the bar "we about to play some hip hop" like DIS IS HOW WE DU-EEEEHT. And , when this happens, White people lose their (collective) shit. I seent it. I would make the argument that White people aint check for nothing else Montell did but hey, neither did Black people. "This is How We Do It" has over 25 million Youtube plays and Montell doesn't see a dime of it. Pay your taxes, America. Oh and hire an accountant.
"No Diggity"
Blackstreet's most popular song on Spotify has 50 million plays, the second most has three million. They're both somehow "No Diggity." What's also fascinating about this song is that the slang that makes the title and chorus never caught on. Black and White people formed a united front to not let diggity happen.
"Niggas In Paris"
It's been four years since Watch the Throne came and went and I still don't see the appeal of this song. White people ate it up tho. So much that niggas performed it 11 times in a concert in Paris. 11. They only said Niggas in Paris one time in the whole song. Its still befuddling.
"Miscellaneous Dance Song"
Whether its Soulja Boy, Dem Franchize Boyz, Cali Swag District, or even We Are Toonz (my god these names), White people love a good rap song that comes with dance instructions. And Black people love cheering White people on when attempting to do these dances.
"Happy"
You know what, White people? You can have this one. All of it.
Tristan is a twenty-something Bostonian climbing the corporate ladder until the elevator gets fixed. No, he doesn't remind you of your cousin.