Before I begin, let me say that the Harvey Weinstein allegations are atrocious. What he did is despicable, and I do not play oppression Olympics with sexual assault or rape because it the same as white supremacy to me: using a position of strength and power to take advantage of people for the vilest of reasons.
Even though I have been called a racist who hates white people, what I really am is a savage whom someone taught to type. I don’t give a fuck. I call out as many black people as I do white people—if not more—but no one got butt-hurt when I called out Ray Lewis, Umar Johnson, Stephen A. Smith, Stacey Dash, Charles Barkley, Omarosa Manigault, Ben Carson, black preachers, R. Kelly ... need I go on?
Now that I’ve gotten that preamble out of the way, allow me to be racist.
In a move that could only be described as peak Beckery, white women are boycotting Twitter to, umm ... protest Harvey Weinstein or ... you know what? Hold on and let me go check out the specifics in this article from the New York Times before I say something stupid.
OK, I’m back. Apparently, Twitter suspended the account of actress Rose McGowan for posting someone’s private information in regards to Weinstein. I kinda understand McGowan’s frustrations because the editors here frequently stop me from calling people racists and murderers for legal reasons. Plus, I would never disparage anyone’s protest, but ...
I’m about to disparage their protest, but only for the sake of comedy.
And consistency.
And black people.
White women, I’m not saying you shouldn’t boycott Twitter. I’m just saying, if you want to start boycotting shit because you’re aggrieved, I thought we’d help you out by coming up with a list of other things you could boycott.
10. Whoever Taught You to Season Things
I’ve tasted your potato salad and your chicken. Although I joke about it, I actually know the reason your food tastes like college-ruled notebook paper:
You learn from cookbooks and TV shows.
Have you ever watched a TV show on HGTV? Their recipes are so intricate, except when it comes to seasoning. The HGTV recipe for fried chicken requires you to dip the poultry in buttermilk and whisked eggs. Talk to the flour for seven minutes using quiet whispers with no more than three syllables, preheat the oil to 492.303 degrees and finally ...
Add a pinch of salt.
9. Sweater Dresses
Y’all know these weren’t made for y’all, right?
8. White Men
I mean, aren’t they who keep fucking shit up for all of us? I think white women should take a page out of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, or Togo’s revolutionary ...
Wait. Let me slow down. I forgot I’m talking to white women. Lysistrata is a play by Aristophanes about a woman who tried to stop a war by withholding sex from the men in the country. Women in the African country of Togo tried the same premise to urge political reform a few years ago.
I don’t understand why you white women haven’t employed this tactic already. When Trump removed the mandate for women’s contraception from Obamacare, I saw a parade of white women on TV and I thought, “All women have to do is tell men that they can’t have sex because they don’t have birth control.” If those horny old dudes in Congress couldn’t have sex with their side chicks, they would put that shit back in the Affordable Care Act by next Tuesday.
But only white men. Y’all can still have sex with black guys. It’s not that I’m looking for a white girl. I just know that there are people who are depending on you for very important reasons in the next few days:
The NBA season starts this week.
7. Stealing
Can you please?
The shape of our bodies. Our lips. Our voices. Everything else that made the Kardashians famous.
6. People Who Silence Women of Color
When McGowan spoke out against an alleged sexual predator and rapist who has affected the lives of over a dozen women, Twitter suspended her account and white women were furious, as they should be.
When Jemele Hill was suspended by her actual employer, ESPN, for speaking out against an alleged sexual predator who currently resides in the White House whose decisions affect every single American, white women didn’t say anything to ESPN.
When L’Oreal fired transgender woman Munroe Bergdorf for speaking against white supremacy, white women didn’t toss their lipstick in the trash can. White women were furious with Beyoncé for being too black at halftime of the Super Bowl. White women are curiously silent when shit happens to black women.
Women of color? Not so much.
Ava DuVernay and other black celebrities pointed out the hypocrisy:
5. Believing You’re Not Racist Because ...
Not all white people are racist.
But all white people who say “I’m not racist because ... ” are racist.
Nothing makes you not racist. Not one of your best friends. Not feminism. Not your Black Lives Matter T-shirt. Not your half-black children. Not black penis.
Especially not black penis.
4. Taylor Swift
Just because.
3. Whoever Manufactures the Leashes You Put on Your Children
I’m just saying ... we’re talking about oppression, right? Who told you this was OK? I have a theory that 39 percent of all school shooters are children whose parents walked them around the mall on a leash.
Stop this.
Now.
2. White Supremacy
While we are talking about victimization, silencing and oppression, we will see y’all at the next Black Lives Matter march, right? We won’t see y’all clutching your pearls when someone takes a knee during the national anthem, right? After all, you would never support silencing the oppressed, huh?
We’ll make a deal. We will care about Twitter banning your people when you stop participating in inequality and victimization by upholding the pillars of America’s white supremacy. You were the ones whose fingers pointed at Emmett Till. You are the teachers greasing the sides of the school-to-prison pipeline. You are the beneficiaries of ethnic cleansing.
Yet you didn’t boycott Twitter when white supremacists attacked Leslie Jones. In fact, did you know that the same platform that shut down Rose McGowan is used by white supremacists to plan and organize?
You know what they call it when you are cool with injustice until it happens to you?
Privilege.
Duplicity.
Entitled.
Inconsistent.
Beckery.
1. White Women
I don’t know how this would actually work. Can one boycott oneself? All I know is that white women are letting white women off the hook. You know who you should boycott?
Boycott the group that voted for Donald Trump at a 53 percent clip. Boycott the group that tries to eliminate affirmative action but that benefits from it the most. Boycott the people who didn’t say shit when Bill O’Reilly attacked Rep. Maxine Waters, or when Tomi Lahren attacked Waters.
Boycott the ones who created a Twitter hashtag on Twitter to boycott Twitter.
Black White Women’s Lives Matter.