Like many children, when I was growing up, I received my share of spankings. Although they were very sporadic, they were not the apex of punishment in my mother’s household. If I did something extremely outrageous stupid (like the time she caught me and my cousin holding a Zippo lighter over a gas stove because the lighter refused to work—even after we “fixed” it by refilling it with gasoline from the lawn mower), she would sit me down and force me to explain, in agonizing detail, what the hell I was thinking.
That’s what I wanted to do when a co-worker who shall remain nameless made me aware of this video of Daniel Aaron singing an acoustic version of Cardi B’s magnum opus “Bodak Yellow.” I am not even mad at Daniel’s hilarious trap-coustic (trademarked) rendition of the country’s hottest song. All I could think was: “Why, though?”
I just want Daniel to explain this to us. I want him to explain it like how I imagine globalization and geopolitics were explained to dunderheaded Donald Trump before he went to speak before the United Nations. I need charts and graphs. I don’t want the CliffsNotes. I need a cartoon animal humming a jingle about his entire thought process. I need answers, Daniel.
Why, white people, why? Why can’t you leave well enough alone? Why must you take everything good and add Caucasianness to it? You will take a perfectly good potato-salad recipe and add cranberries and quinoa. Riding in a perfectly seaworthy motorboat isn’t enough for you; you need to strap a kite to your back, tie yourself to a rope and call it windsurfing. Even when you discovered fucking, you apparently thought: “You know what? I need more. Maybe if I found a rope, tied it around my neck, put a Piggly Wiggly bag over my head and simulated strangulation as I was having an orgasm, this whole sex thing would be much better ... for now.”
Can’t you understand that some things are perfectly fine the way they are? I’m not even saying “Bodak Yellow” is a great song, but no one listened to Cardi B’s lyrics and said, “This would be dope if it was warbled by a postpubescent beer-pong-playing frat boy who tried out for American Idol three times during his summer break from Oral Roberts University.”
Y’all, this white boy created a musical arrangement and said, with a straight face ... give me a second to compose myself ... OK. Daniel looked into the camera, and with the same genuine wypipo-ness that Caucasians used when they planted a flag on the moon and claimed it for themselves as if they had discovered it, he actually said:
“My pussy feel like a lake.”
And then, as if the song needed more caucasity, this motherfucker put the words on the screen! When the omnipotent creator of the universe picked up a piece of clay and fashioned it into the wonderful creature we would eventually know as “Cardi B,” then stood back and admired his work, one of his helper angels probably said, “But Lord, she talks kind of funny.”
And do you know how God responded, Daniel? I’ll tell you exactly what he said. He said: “Oh, don’t worry. No one would ever closed-caption her.”
Your song is blasphemy, Daniel. Even the Most High himself, in his infinite wisdom, couldn’t envision someone so white he would take Cardi B’s lyrics and write them down for the world to see. I bet Cardi B didn’t even write down the words to “Bodak Yellow.” Have you listened to the words? She’s just saying shit. God damn you, Daniel. Stop. Please?
And no, Daniel, we do not know where you at. We do not know where you be. If we did, we would come for you and smash your guitar to smithereens. Not only are we keenly aware that you don’t dance, but this sacrilegious, blasphemous performance is proof that you do not, nor will you ever, “make money moves.”
Hold on. The spirit just spoke to me, and he told me to switch to all caps so I can deliver his word to you. ... And thus he said unto Daniel:
“BIRKENSTOCKS ARE NOT BLOODY SHOES!”
Let me be clear. This is not a case of “Columbusing.” This is more serious than that. This is far whiter than your run-of-the-mill cultural appropriation. This is Kylie and Kendall stamping their names over Tupac’s and Biggie’s faces and wondering why people went crazy when they marketed their “designs” as Kendall + Kylie “vintage music shirts.” This is Kim Kardashian putting cornrows in her hair and posing for a photo shoot to show off the new trend of “boxer braids.” This is Miley Cyrus existing.
Daniel Aaron figured out a musical arrangement, learned the words, performed the song a few times (you know this wasn’t the first take) and then thought to himself: “Other people need to see this.”
I’m not angry about it. I don’t think anyone is. I think most people, black people, will think it’s funny in the same way we laugh when we see Taylor Swift dance or when a guy suffering from micropenis gets carried away and screams, “Whose pussy is this?” From the look on Daniel’s face, you can tell he thinks he’s killing it.
Calm down, Daniel. You’re not killing shit. This is as stupid as an 8-year-old substituting gasoline for cigarette-lighter fluid. You might think your acoustic cover is lit, but it’s really just a shitty dumpster fire. I would never refer to a person in the following way, but Daniel, your video is the definition of white trash.
It is also the whitest thing that ever happened.
But if you are having a bad day, and you think your stomach can handle it, watch the entire performance below: