Let your average Black C.O.G.I.C. pastor, zombie apocalypse filmmakers and an impending second Donald Trump presidential term tell it, the end is nigh.
What reason can there be for the recent run of the ultra-rich white men scrambling to build fancy bunkers and post-apocalyptic strongholds other than a pending global conflagration that’ll wipe out us poors living in our flimsy little above-ground homes?
Meta CEO and bona fide rich white dude Mark Zuckerberg captured everyone’s attention last year with his plans to build a 5,000-square-foot, $100 million bunker on his ranch on Hawaii’s Kauai island. The project is cloaked in NDA secrecy, but The Wired confirmed that the finished project will be stocked with food, have self-sustaining energy and contain elevators, a swimming pool, a sauna, a tennis court, a full-sized gym and 30 freakin’ bedrooms.
Because the head of Facebook is clearly more prescient than the rest of us, news of Zuck’s build allegedly caused a buying frenzy from folks scrambling to build their own post-apocalyptic bunkers – and there are several companies on standby looking for a deposit based off of your fears.
You can buy a 500-square-foot steel bunker that’ll fit a cot and a few bottles of Hennessey Black for a couple hundred thousand today. But if the words “credit limit” mean nothing to you and you want an entire compound with flammable moats and water cannons and shit for a number with more zeroes behind it than most of us can conceive, that can happen for you.
Of course, Zuck isn’t the only billionaire genius who had the idea of protecting himself from The End: Disgraced FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried sought to literally buy a whole nation — the Central Pacific island of Nauru — to wait out the apocalypse with his friends and colleagues. Though, with a fraud conviction sentencing set for later this month, Bankman-Fried will likely have to settle for hiding under the sturdiest prison bunk when the nuclear bombs start falling.
PayPal ex-CEO Peter Thiel tried and failed to build one in New Zealand because conservationists were concerned that it would jack up the surrounding environment. Bill Gates — who has spent decades popping in and out of the richest human on Earth top spot — is rumored to have armored bunkers beneath his numerous multi-million-dollar cribs.
It all begs the question: Is there something billionaires know that we don’t?
Sure, there are manifold signs that the end is near: global pandemics, world leaders whose mamas didn’t give them enough attention with nuclear weapon access, the continued success of Sexyy Red and “Love is Blind.” But if we’re to accept the possibility that the absurdly wealthy are privy to information the proletariat isn’t, is it reasonable to believe there’s an actual date and time – a la “The Terminator” — that we need to worry about?
This topic was explored in the extremely divisive 2023 Netflix film “Leave The World Behind,” which portrayed a systemic end of civilization that only the elite knew about and were able to prepare against. The film ended (spoiler alert) with one of the characters in a fancy bunker eating up food and watching the series finale of “Friends.”
Higher Ground Productions, founded by the Obamas, produced the film, which…wait a minute…*straps on tinfoil hat*… do Barack and Michelle know something we don’t? Is our Forever First Lady trying to tell us something through art that she can’t say aloud??
Really, the whole bunker conversation begs an existential question: If civilization as we know it is ending, do you really want to be holed up underground somewhere as billions of humans are wiped out? I believe I’ve had a good run in these 40-something years and don’t fancy a life underground eating beans, watching “Sanford and Son” reruns and quaint outdoor walks in a hazmat suit.
But for those of you who wish to cowboy through the end of the world, maybe get your bag (way, way) up so you can do so in relative comfort. Or just cozy up to a billionaire today — maybe Zuck will save one of those 30 bedrooms for you.