After a week of terrorizing Los Angeles with overpriced parties, bowling alley beat downs, and gratuitous cleavage, we are gathered here today to talk about one thing and one thing only: Super Bowl LVI.
As someone who actually lives in LA, it’s been a bumpy ride to make it to this point—which you’ll hear all about on this site very soon—but thankfully, by the grace of melatonin, I’ve somehow survived a full week of shenanigans leading up to the NFL’s season finale, and it’s time to talk about how Inglewood has been trotting out ICE agents in order to deter street vendors and maximize its profits some football.
So yeah, apparently Dr. Dre, Mary J. Blige, Snoop Dogg, Kendrick Lamar, and some cranky white guy have been kind enough to allow the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals to serve as the opening act for their sold-out concert at SoFi Stadium on Sunday. It will be a family affair, with plenty of hateration and holleration at the dancery, that will hopefully include a thoroughly entertaining triple-overtime showdown—because it would be a nightmare if the Super Bowl actually ended in a tie.
To get to this point, the Bengals had to shake approximately 33 years worth of monkeys off of its back, all while eluding the dreaded underdog narrative that somehow continues to persist despite the fact that Cincinnati is armed with a superstar quarterback and a cadre of offensive weapons that would put the Pentagon to shame.
The Bengals offensive line might be about as reliable as a Kanye West album release date, but when you’re deploying a wide-zone scheme that features weapons of mass destruction like Ja’Marr Chase—who was recently inducted to the FBI’s Most Wanted List for the amount of bodies he’s caught as a rookie—Tyler Boyd, Tee Higgins, and Joe Mixon, it’s like whipping out your Nintendo controller and entering the Contra Code during pre-game warm-ups. Head coach Zac Taylor has been doing the damn thing, too.
So with all of the hype, and none of the pressure or turnovers that have marred the Rams’ championship aspirations—Cam Akers and company did just about everything short of point-shaving in a valiant attempt to lose against the 49ers in the NFC Championship game—I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Joe Borrow spends his Sunday night bumping Kid Cudi while dousing his teammates with Dom Pérignon.
It’s the Rams, however, who would beg to differ.
When you mortgage your future in order to secure the services of Detroit Lions prison escapee Matt Stafford, and perennial Pro Bowlers Von Miller and Odell Beckham Ballin’ Again, the stakes are higher than De La Soul’s fourth album. The absolute last thing you want to do is end up like the 2011 “Dream Team” Philadelphia Eagles, or whatever the hell Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, and James Harden were supposed to be.
Add a brilliant offensive mind like Rams coach Sean McVay, coupled with otherworldly talent like Cooper Kupp—who sounds like he goes cow-tipping instead of breaking franchise receiving records—Jalen Ramsey, and the real-life sasquatch, Aaron Donald, and there’s also the possibility that the Bengals could get blown out worse than Walter Mondale. Especially with the Rams run defense being so stout throughout the playoffs.
But I’m not here to hedge my bets, I’m here to talk my shit and declare a victor. So when the dust settles and Snoop Dogg is done crip walking in front of millions of horrified white people, I believe the Rams will get the job done on their home turf.
Final Score: Rams 31, Bengals 21
I said what I said. Come at me, bro.