Yesha’s not here today and today’s mailbag is pretty long so ...
Fuck this intro.
Our first correspondence comes from a DM on Twitter:
From: Aric
To: Michael Harriot
I wanted to know if it’s possible to be white and conservative without being a bigot or viscous [sic] criminal? I’m a college student but have never encountered these so called “neo-confederates” you mention in your piece about diversity of thought. I just wanted to know if it’s possible that I could believe in conservative values and not be a bigot. Or is conservatism rooted in ‘racist ideologies’?
Dear Aric:
You ask a very important question that needs to be parsed carefully.
Imagine that you were a cop investigating a series of bank robberies. During the course of your investigation, you discovered a recording of 10 people discussing whether or not they should rob banks.
On the tape, they take a vote on robbing their first bank and six agree to take part. When they vote on the second bank robbery, eight vote in favor of robbing the second bank. Seven more agree to rob bank number three and the amounts of those who agree to participate vary over a series of 10 robberies.
You finally round up all 10 guys who were in the room, and they each confess to being a part of the bank robbery planning committee. They confess to spending the money. However, every single one of them swears that they didn’t believe in what their cohorts were doing. They admit that they voted yes, but they said they didn’t go to the banks or drive the getaway car. They just liked the group.
Are they bank robbers?
This is how it is with white, conservative Republicans.
By every single metric that a person would measure racism, Donald Trump is a racist. Yet, 57 percent of white people voted for him. In the latest poll, 85 percent of Republicans approved of the job Trump was doing. Seventy-nine percent of Republicans say they share his values and when asked if they considered him a racist, 86 percent said no, according to a Quinnipiac University poll.
Half of Republicans had “mostly negative” thoughts about the increasing racial diversity in the country. Seventy-one percent of people who call themselves “conservative” oppose Black Lives Matter. Fifty-five percent say blacks lack the “motivation and willpower” to succeed. Forty-two percent believe black people are lazier than white people. Nearly a quarter of Republicans believe black people are less intelligent than whites.
Republican judges sentence blacks to longer sentences than Democratic-appointed judges. Republicans want to defund programs that help minorities but are willing to give tax breaks to the rich. They support variations of drug laws that affect black people more than white people. They repeal laws that help minorities.
That isn’t just “racist ideology.” That is racist policy.
Now, Aric, it is possible that you aren’t a bigot even though you identify with a group of people who are bigots. It is possible that you don’t like Trump’s racism, even though you support a party that supports racism. I cannot vouch for your independent stances on each political topic.
But if I saw a person wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey, cheering for the Dallas Cowboys, both you and I would simply assume they were a Dallas Cowboys fan. But you are right, it is certainly possible that they just liked the colors.
You call yourself a white conservative. The numbers show you support racism. The actions of your party and your chosen political affiliation say this, not me. I’m just looking at the information I was given.
I just recognize your uniform.
You were the one in the room with the bank robbers. You knew they were robbing banks. You shared the fruits of the criminal enterprise. Your hands are not clean. It is very possible that you don’t believe in stealing and it is possible that you did not participate in any of the heists. There is a technical legal term for someone in such a situation:
A bank robber.
This comment was left under an article about a South Carolina woman who was arrested for driving under the influence.
From: GroundControlUncleTom
On her worst day, this chick is still hotter than Breanna on her best day.
Dear Ground Control,
I would have to agree that Breanna and Plastered Peggy share many of the same qualities.
Having known Breanna for a while, I would say that, like Lauren Elizabeth Cutshaw, Breanna is a very clean, thoroughbred black girl. In fact, Breanna graduated from a “high accredited university,” just like Cutshaw.
I would say that their “hotness” factor is a matter of personal preference. I would have to admit that Breanna does have some negative qualities, including the fact that she is a practitioner of yoga, which I find elitist as someone who was never flexible enough to sit with my legs crossed. I admit that I haven’t studied Yoga much because I was raised in a Christian household that didn’t believe in worshipping picnic basket-stealing bears.
But if you prefer incoherently drunk South Carolina sorority “chicks” with so much privilege they believe whiteness mitigates their blood alcohol content, Lauren Elizabeth is probably the woman for you.
I don’t know what you do for a living but I would guess that you either work as a district judge or in the lucrative field of sexual misconduct. I would never accuse you of anything but those are the only two professions I know of that would consider all of the pertinent information and then ask:
“But is she hot, though?”
This letter is from an actual black person, who, I may add, is a Kappa, who believes God wants us to vote Republican:
From: Jordan
To: Michael Harriot
Letter to Black People:
We have to stop blaming white people for the unattained goals we have. 99 percent of the things we enjoy in life are not made by black people. The food we get from our grocery stores and eateries don’t come from the works of just black people, they come from all people. Our clothes mostly aren’t designed and manufactured by black people. Our electronic devices that we watch our television, listen to our music, and do our daily chores are mostly not designed and manufactured by black people. The monetary notes that we exchange for goods, services, and personal use were not made by black people. If blacks were more integrative in their race relations we would realize that whites weren’t at fault for the bulk of our disappointment but we personally could be held accountable for that.
Every race was a slave before. A good business Idea is contagious irregardless of race. Lastly, none of our life’s options, decisions, or choices are based on race at all. HBCUs don’t restrict you from other communities. You are still in a diverse society and there is nothing that can prevent you from being in a workplace you want to be in. HBCUs graduate non-black admitted students at a higher percentage than blacks. Also, whites teach more at HBCUs than blacks at PWIs. This is highly contradictory because HBCUs which are led by blacks mostly are more likely to allow nonblacks to teach their children than to vote for nonblacks against a black candidate in political races. People should not look beyond their families first for help with staying on their feet. Blacks should know that there is enough resources within our world to support each other from being needy or at-risk at any point. Access to the life you want is available to everyone who desires to see themselves achieve.
If people as a whole know how to use our positive qualities everyone will have success. We must know that blacks perform better when in groups with whites and other races. Black people do better in academics, in the public sector, and private sector when there is racial diversity. The test scores are higher in diverse schools. The quality of life for residents is better in diverse government. Finally, the income is larger working for diverse businesses. People that make it to affluence are burdened with the same issues less fortunate people have. However, they have more power on how financial issues affect them. If affluent people start to make wrong choices with their wealth they will lose the power to control their finances and become overwhelmed.
Affluence can be achieved by anyone who takes advantage of the diverse community America is and is aware of how they can contribute to our economy. There are more money and work opportunities in America than ever. Heck, blacks came on boats to do work, get fed, and have shelter during slavery times. Slavery and Jim Crow were disgraceful times in America. However, blacks were part of more profitable efforts than a lot of other people were at that time. Some people couldn’t afford slaves and others suffered from economic issues. Blacks should not be asking for an apology for every government law or policy that was against them. Blacks getting apologies for discriminatory laws before will not help our careers. Black people need to work on communicating competently.
This has helped me become a success in some respects so far. I have obtained free celebrity advisory comments, autographed books from authors, professional sporting event tickets, free museum memberships, people offering to write biographies for free, speaking engagements, podcasts, and other relevant work experiences etc. that I can put on my resume from the click of an e-mail. The sad thing today is blacks and other people can still get clothing food, water, and shelter for free from private, faith-based, and family entities. But we still have black people complaining about how bad America is. Blacks were given a free education for K-12 and college for hundreds of years unlike whites and many of the early settlers in America did.
If America has a togetherness to it always positive things will always happen. You are smarter than almost every founding father academically. Some of our founding fathers and pilgrims couldn’t not be admitted to some of our HBCUs today. Black people shouldn’t strive to be perfect but we should make sure we put forth the most presentable personhood that we can. If we do this we will see that Republicans do not run the local governments that incarcerate most of our black people. If we do this we will see that Republicans do not run most of the local governments that have lower educational attainment than others. If we do this we will see that Republicans do not run most of the local governments that sell the majority of their homes below market value. If you ask any Christian what political party supports the most godly things Republicans will win the argument. What godly good we can do in the world has already been done and written about in The Holy Bible. Now it is time to repeat those things of godly good for our best world.
Oh my God, Jordan!
I want to salute you! I have never read such a great piece of tongue-in-cheek satirical comedy! It borders on genius.
The part where you give white people the credit for everything while excusing them for racism is hilarious! Especially your use of “not black people.” I have to say, I would have never thought of that!
Now I will admit that the “every race was a slave before” is right out of the Confederate handbook, but I was willing to overlook that because, in the next sentence, I think you called slavery a “good business idea,” or you were saying that—unlike white people—black people don’t come up with enough good business ideas. That’s gotta be why 95 percent of the Fortune 500 are headed by white people, 11 percent have been on the list since 1955 and 8 of the top 10 were founded before the passage Civil Rights Act.
I almost doubled over with laughter at the part where you say: “We must know that blacks perform better when in groups with whites and other races. Black people do better in academics, in the public sector, and private sector when there is racial diversity.”
Yasss, Queen! Blacks do perform better in more diverse academic, public and private settings when there are white people around. This is mostly because statistics show that white people will not support black businesses and make a point to underfund majority black schools. They are willing to strangle to death anything that blacks manage to build for themselves. But when you say it with a straight face, it is the best joke ever!
I damn near died when you wrote that “blacks came on boats to do work, get fed, and have shelter during slavery times” and went on to say: “Blacks were given a free education for K-12 and college for hundreds of years unlike whites and many of the early settlers in America did.” It’s almost like you didn’t know about the whole “slaves weren’t allowed to read” part of American history!
But your comedy really excelled when you explained how blacks don’t need an apology for slavery because you have managed to succeed. And how did you measure your success?
“[F]ree celebrity advisory comments, autographed books from authors, professional sporting event tickets, free museum memberships, people offering to write biographies for free, speaking engagements, podcasts, and other relevant work experiences etc. that I can put on my resume from the click of an e-mail.”
That’s all you get for wearing an All Lives Matter haircut and boat shoes? According to the experts on Twitter and in my inbox, I’m the real racist and I get speaking engagements and autographed books! Wait ... did you think everyone else in America was paying for podcasts but Steve Jobs liked the cut of your caucasian-adjacent jib so much that he sent them to you at no cost?
Oh, Jordan, I fear you may have shimmied your brain loose during one of your Nupe shimmy-squats!
But my favorite part is when you wrote: “If you ask any Christian what political party supports the most godly things, Republicans will win the argument.”
I have checked my bible, and I couldn’t find any verses about unequal justice, snatching babies from their mothers’ arms, religious intolerance, lying to the public, taking from the poor to give to the rich. All I could find that was remotely Republican was that one story about the police officer Pontius Pilate who killed an unarmed man who kept organizing rallies to tell people their lives mattered.
But my god, you are a great comedian!
Or the most brainwashed bootlicker ever.
Last but not least, I compiled all the positive emails received this week into one last submission for the mailbag. Here it is:
From:
To:
Have a good weekend.