The Root's Clapback Mailbag: Free Dumb

Most of the time, the Clapback Mailbag attempts to introduce facts and data to our readers who have a habit of not reading things. But today is different. Today, instead of helping angry white people become less dumb, we’re going to help some of our dumbest readers understand how dumb they really are.

This is an important project. It’s hard to teach anyone until they know how much they don’t know; it’s impossible to get people to learn basics like long division, English, history, how to understand science or that it is quite possible to be white and not smart. Don’t worry, it won’t be hard. These people are really dumb. Also, this quiz will not be timed and is open-book. Once you are finished, please email your answers to wypipo@theroot.com and we will email the winner a special prize...

A free subscription to The Root.

This first letter is just a sample question.

Normally, one of the few edits we will do to a reader’s email is to break up their diatribes into paragraphs. But this dude’s unhinged anti-vaccine rant about the article on “freedoms” warrants no editing.

Name: Teddy Bhaie

From: Teddy
To: Michael Harriot
Subject: So Many Freedoms

Message: A majority of Black folk didn’t get your Out Of Africa memo; they read instead the Declaration of Independence and Republican President Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation. One of the freedoms they’re exercising is their freedom from being pricked & injected with experimental mRNA NOT approved by the FDA. In New York alone a paltry 28% of Black folk Out Of Africa and under 45 years old welcomed your slavery & submitted to pricks & injections, while 72% clung to their American freedom to say NYET to that which is not approved & which has failed repeatedly to keep Black folk from contracting COVID - from which 99.5% recover, developing natural immunity. Reading Is Fundamental. Likewise, since you don’t speak for the majority of Black folk Out of Africa - but perhaps for those still in Africa, I’ll gladly further disabuse you. Black folk are exercising many of their freedoms, including but not limited to: the free exercise of their religion which, contrary to Joe’s, condemns the mass murders of 390,000 Black children per annum before their birth days; free speech and assembly not accompanied by #BLM & Antifa murders, assault and batteries, arson, vandalism & looting; the petitioning of government for a redress of Godless, color-bound, Critical Race Theory grievances that insist upon judging them by the color of their skin rather than the content of their character - that’s NOT what Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr wanted, au contraire; the freedom to KEEP and BEAR arms for lawful purposes, like shooting other Black folks trying to perpetrate massive Black-on-Black violence, not to mention Black-on-White & Black-on-Asian; the freedom not to be robbed blind by lawless and uncouth Black folk who walk into their places of business and attempt to rob them of their inventory and hard-earned earnings; the freedom to declare when a hypodermic needle is aimed at their upper arms, “My Body, My Choice! GTFOH”; and my recent favorite freedom uttered by none other than Barack Hussein Obama, “Never underestimate Joe’s ability to fuck things up!”, further contributing to Blexit and a return to Dr. MLK Jr.’s father’s political party since 1865: the Grand Old Party. There are many, many individual freedoms Black folk Out Of Africa are exercising, and they’re doing so shoulder-to-shoulder with their freedom-loving fellow Americans, e.g. Caucasians, Hispanics, Asians, Native Americans, and Others. They all first see not color but character, and not nappy heads and melanin but a common purpose to Make and Keep America Great, just as our Caucasian male Christian Theist and Deist Founders and Framers founded us, and framed us, to be! Disabused. You’re welcome!

Dear fella,

Instead of calling you dumb, I shall ask the readers to count how many times you mention a conspiracy theory, a factless fact, or just some stupid racist dog whistle that dumb white people believe:

1. Experimental mRNA vaccine not approved by the FDA: Wrong.
2. COVID-19's 99.5 percent recovery rate: Wrong. 
3. Black babies being murdered: White women have more abortions and get them at higher rates.
4. Antifa murderers: Antifa murders: 0. White supremacists: 329.
5. BLM: Black Lives Matter murders: 0.
6. Critical Race Theory “grievances”: Wrong
7. CRT is not what Martin Luther King would have wanted: “Many of our white brothers are concerned only about the length of life, their preferred economic positions, their political power, their so-called way of life.” — Martin Luther King Jr.
8. Black-on-Black crime: It doesn’t exist.
9. Black-on-Asian crime: White people are more likely to commit hate crimes against Asians.
10. Blexit: It didn’t happen.
11. MLK was a Republican: Lie.
12. He doesn’t see color: He mentions “Black” 14 times. He mentions “white” once.
13. The founders wanted a Christian nation: “Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should “make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.” — Thomas Jefferson.
14. The “Caucasian male Christian Theist and Deist Founders and Framers”: Here is literally every single word the man who wrote the Constitution said about his faith, religion and belief in God: “—” — James Madison.

You make some good points, though.

Let’s move on to some multiple choice portion concerning the article about America’s changing demographics:

From: Jim
To: Michael Harriot

Instead of Keep Hope Alive you are keeping Hate alive. You are one racist motherfucker. Can YT be as racist as you? Asking for a friend. Go fuck yourself. Where Did All the White People Go? Ranking the Blackest and Whitest Places in America, According to the New Census Data

Dear Jim,

Thank you for (1)_____ but I must admit that I am very disappointed that you called me “one racist motherfucker.” I like to think my racism stands out more than most. Each week, I receive letters from (2)_____ explaining that I am the “real racist.” Why don’t you think I’m real, Jim?

Which part of the article made you mad at, Jim? Are you mad about the facts in the article or are you mad that I wrote it? Perhaps it was the fact that I (3)____ that angered you. For this I apologize.

Also, why do you want to watch me masturbate, Jim? Requesting that I have sex with myself is probably sexual harassment. Is it because I (4)_____? Lastly, I sincerely doubt that you are asking for a friend. You don’t seem like the kind of person who interacts with other human beings who are not masturbating after recovering from the post-coital fucking of your dear sweet mother.

My OnlyFans page is (5) ________.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mike

1. A. your letter
   B. reminding me that capital letters exist. I almost forgot.
   C. being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.
   D. inspiring me to write more about shitty white racists.
2. A. people like you
   B. illiterates in need of help
   C. people who don’t care what I say so much that they get on their computer, search for my email address, and write a letter about why I don’t matter.
   D. verified racists who can validate my racism card. Three more letters and I get a free pizza!
3. A. am Black
   B. am not white
   C. am a nigger
   D. wrote something that actually touched a nerve because it was true.
4. A. am a motherfucker
   B. fucked mothers
   C. fucked your mother
   D. am Black
5. A. MikeAndJim’sMom
   B. JimDesperatelyWantsToWatch
   C. Jim’sFutureStepdad
   D. WhyYouSoMadSon?
   

This next portion is short-answer.

From: Ooga booga
To: fatfucks@theroot.com
Subject: Post this on your clapbacks pls

Message: Not all black folks are niggers, but niggers are only from black jackasses like yourself. Let me explain why you’re the niggliest of all, baldy. All you do is bitch moan & complain but we never see you get off your lardy black ass to do anything to better your situation. Just completing with that land-locked beached whale Monique Judge to see who can sound more “intelligent” but even your commenters can make a better and more cohesive argument than you 2. Y’all are full of stereotypes like Panama being a fatherless city ape and half your staff looks like they are suffering from type 2 diabetes. Especially Monique and your self, 2 human-walrus hybrids. Why don’t you just finish your oxygen wasting carcasses off by inhaling more fried chicken?

1. How long has Ooga Booga held these racist feelings in his heart but was afraid someone would slap the shit out of him?
2. Explain the irony of a man bitching, moaning and complaining about someone bitching moaning and complaining.
3. Am I getting fat?
4. Name three ways I “complete” with Monique Judge.
5. How does type 2 diabetes look because I’m eager to know about this new science?
6. Really, am I getting fat? I don’t think I’ve gone over 175 but this guy has me worried.
7. How long has it been since someone had sex with this guy?

Finally, the essay question:

From: Monte
To: Michael Harriot

I can’t imagine having so much hate for another race as you do. You can’t blame the white man for all of your faults. You need to walk upright. Be a man not a boy. Use your profession to help your culture evolve rather than envy the white culture who succeed through accountability, hard work, family morals and evolution. Or you can keep crying about the white man in all of your articles like a little bitch.

Write three paragraphs imagining the person who wrote this. Make sure you talk about the culture that creates a person that sends a version of this letter every week. Please include the part about him messaging me on Instagram about manhood.

Good luck!