The Root's Clapback Mailbag: Black Supremacy

The Root is a hate group.

It’s not my fault. Editor-in-Chief Danielle Belton hired Black supremacist writers like Zack Linly, Joe Jurado and Ishena Robinson who took it upon themselves to call white women out of their names. There is an anti-white clique of writers at The Root, headed by Senior Editor Stephen Crockett, who constantly attacks our Caucasian friends.

I’d never do that.

Luckily, the people who are complaining about our hateful writers wrote directly about it to our Editor-in-Chief Danielle Belton, who took this issue very seriously. I don’t want to break the news, but I think she’s going to fire these guys because she just responded to these emails with “LOL,” which obviously means she’s “lamenting our loss” of writers. I managed to obtain a few of these emails, and I think she immediately opened an investigation into those vitriolic posts and even created a new policy called “Love Makes Anger Obsolete.”

At least that what I think it means when she just responded to the complaints with: ”What is happening? LMAO.”

Hopefully, today’s mailbag can solve these issues before she terminates these writers for The Root’s institutional reverse racism. She didn’t ask me to do this, but as the only member of the staff with a degree in wypipology, I can attempt to fix this.

You’re welcome for my service.

Here are a few of the complaints from our fragile brave readers:

From: Wendy
To: Danielle Belton
Subject: Article about the white lady harassing the attorneys about a patio

Hello,

I read your article and am absolutely appalled at that woman’s treatment of that couple. While reading I came across your statement of “walking hate crime Wendy” and this I did not like or appreciate. My name is Wendy and I am not in the slightest racist not fo I support this or any other white persona actions against ANY POC, so I take full offense at my name being used as a racist moniker, or in a racist “ title”. I would appreciate if that could be changed or removed, as I feel it is extremely derogatory to any Wendy’s since this is public and frames all people named Wendy as perpetrators of hate crimes... not ok in the slightest, thank you.

Wendy

From: Keelan
To: Danielle Belton
Subject: Karen

I have started this column at least three times but I feel like you should know this before I begin. The Rootdoesn’t wade in the kiddie pool. We have no problem destroying your least favorites and your favorites, but like the mafia, we have rules. We don’t go after kids, ever.”

This is absolute Bull Shit. Little kids are named Karen, it’s not an old name that no one uses anymore. You are actively giving power to cyberbullies and regular bullies to make the lives of certain children worse than they should have to be. Here’s a fun fact did you know that Karen is fairly popular name for Asian Americans? so now when they go back to school they can be bullied as COVID-Karens.

Cool Job.

And I get that you’re not the only ones doing this, the entire mass media system is responsible, you’re just like the police who don’t live in Minnesota but say that not all knees to the neck are deadly, or maybe you’re the police force that says yes systematic racism exists but not here, so there’s no need to even examine the issue to see if any harm is being done.

From: Karen B.
To: Danielle Belton
Subject: Karen Harassment

I am tired of the negative connotation of the name Karen.

I am compiling a record of all offensive comments

Your retractment and apology may be srnt to my email.

Thank you

Karen B.

Dear Karens (and Wendy),

Before you file your textual harassment lawsuits, allow me to formally apologize for my colleagues’ words. I can definitively say that I am not anti-Karen because I married a Karen, which technically means my children are half-Karen. And you know what Karen’s favorite fast food place is?

Chick-fil-A.

But if it’s Sunday, she will eat a Wendy’s chicken sandwich.

See? Not all black people.

Sometimes, in their haste to condemn the actions of a few racists, some of our writers get a little overzealous. I can’t imagine how upsetting it must be to have someone stereotype you because of the actions of a few people who happen to share one common characteristic with you. It must be horrible.

I hope that you haven’t suffered too badly because of our insensitive actions. Hopefully, you are gainfully employed and won’t have to endure the inhumanity of a prospective employer throwing your resume away because you have the wrong name. I hope no one has seen you in the parking lot of Whole Foods and locked their door because they assumed you were going to assault them with a negative attitude. If so, I apologize.

And Keelan is right. I bet teachers punish Karens more harshly than Keishas or Katrinas. I think I read about the Karen-to-prison pipeline in a magazine somewhere. I know that Karens use drugs at the same rate as Kims but are three times more likely to be arrested and sentenced to being “canceled” on social media.

I don’t know why we haven’t done a story about how Wendies are disproportionately shot and killed by police. Sure, some people may argue that all of the Karens and Beckies in our stories haven’t suffered a single substantive setback for their actions but still, our name-calling makes you sad, and that’s what counts.

In fact, I need to apologize, too.

See, I have often argued that black people wouldn’t give a fuck about how white people felt about us in their hearts if we could eliminate systemic racism. I honestly believe that the tangible disparities in wealth, wages, health, education, employment, incarceration, arrests, bail, voter suppression, police shootings, housing, homeownership and every other crevice and corner of American society are more important than how white people feel about us.

But Karens are different.

Karens cry.

When Wendies and Karens read about the horrible actions that black people face every day, they sit down and fire off angry accusatory letters to writers who are writing about real events. Because Karens don’t give a microscopic fuck about equality, justice ore even black people. Karens only think about themselves. They ignore the abused black people in these stories because all they can think about is:

“But what about me?”

Which is why most people say: “Fuck Karens!”

But not me.

I have some solutions.

• Why don’t you focus more on Karen-on-Karen crime?
• If you concentrated on education and hard work, you could overcome the stigma of your name.
• What about the Karens in Chicago?
• Your mother named you years ago. Why are you so focused on the past?
• My ancestors didn’t harass Karens, so why should I be responsible?
• We elected a vice president with a wife named Karen, which is proof that America isn’t anti-Karen.
• If women like Wendy Williams and Karen Carpenter can make it without complaining, why can’t you?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that everyone at The Root believes that Karen Lives Matter...

Well, not Zack

I asked him and he’s still lamenting over the loss.

White people were outraged about our “attacking” on Terry Crews:

To: Michael Harriot
From: L. Jackson
Subject: You could learn a lot from Terry Crews

I saw Terry Crews on Roland Martin and want to know why everyone is attacking him. He is trying to fight for equality for all regardless of color. That’s was MLK’s dream. Thats what he died for.

If black lives matter is truly about equality, then why are you worried about what he said?

Dear Crews Crew (I desperately hope that’s what he calls his fans),

I realize that Crews was trying to protect against “Black supremacy” when he sent those tweets. I understand that he was simply saying that he doesn’t want America to go from—as he put it “Black Lives Matter to Black Lives Better.”

Here is why I have a problem with that:

There is no evidence on the face of the earth that this will ever happen. There are already people diligently working to prevent this horrible outcome. In fact, the people working to ensure that black supremacy will never become a reality might surprise you

You know who’ll stop black people from turning against whites?

Black people.

Black people have fought alongside whites to correct every injustice in our history. Black women were heavily involved in the suffrage movement. But when white women got the right to vote, white women essentially said: “Fuck y’all nigger wenches.”

Black people fought in the 19th-century labor movement, the anti-war movement of the 1960s, every battle for immigrants’ rights, the equal rights movement, the right to choose, gun control, income inequality and the battle for universal healthcare.

And every single time white people got what they wanted, they spurned the black people who stood alongside them and sometimes led the fight.

That is the reason why Terry Crews’ statement was so stupid. It’s not because he was trying to lick the anus of his imaginary white overseers, it was because he was erasing the history of the people who fight against the thing that he is suggesting could happen.

The reason that Black supremacy will never happen is that Black people won’t allow it. And, if Crews wants to condemn Black people for doing something that will never happen, why didn’t he just warn Black vampires not to enslave Caucasians by attacking their delicious-looking jugular veins? He could have cautioned all the negro werewolves to leave white people alone during the next full moon. Maybe he should tweet a plea to all the negro alchemists to share the gold they made from lead. Because any and all of that will happen before America turns into a Black supremacist country

And, instead of talking down to Black people as if we were the problem, maybe Crews should instruct every single white person to do one thing for Black people because it is the least they can do:

Thank us for our service.