As we embark upon a new year, instead of looking back at the dumpster fire that was 2017, The Root has decided to look forward at what lies ahead for black America.
To help us with our predictions, we contacted our own psychic and fortune-teller, LaQuanda “Punkin’” Damus, a distant relative of the heralded French apothecary and soothsayer Nostradamus. Punkin’ Damus previously operated one of the largest black-owned fortune-telling shops and candy stores in the Williamsburg section of New York City’s Brooklyn borough before she was pushed out to make way for a Panera Bread and Starbucks in a neighborhood-revitalization effort.
Punkin’s predictions are only for black America, and she uses a variety of techniques, including a tarot-card deck consisting only of big jokers, a snow globe she bought from a swap meet in 1979 that she calls a “crystal ball,” and a potent herbal concoction rolled in a large tobacco leaf that she refers to as a “blunt.” She even let me try it and—even though I have not been gifted with “the sight”—I did see stars.
While you might think that Punkin’ is unqualified because she didn’t see the gentrification coming, that is not the case. She saw what was happening; she just couldn’t stop it. It’s hard to stop white people from colonizing when they’ve made up their minds. Ask the Native Americans.
Here are Punkin’ Damus’ predictions for 2108:
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Everyone around you will be offended by something. You will repost someone else’s take on an issue on your Facebook page even though you don’t really care that much. You will defend your fake outrage until the end.
You will experience racism.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
2018 will prove to be a landmark year for you. You will discover new modes of thinking and grow as a person. You might even begin to think that astrology is a fake science filled with platitudes that could apply to anyone. Let’s not go too far.
You will experience racism.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
There will be three big events that happen in your life. One will concern your relationship. The second will involve your career. The third will be the new Beyoncé album.
You will experience racism.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your love life will take an interesting turn when you discover that practicing self-love is the most important thing. Your level of disgust will take an interesting turn when you discover the number of men who’ve sexually harassed women by asking their female co-workers to watch them practice “self-love.”
You will experience racism.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Someone in your family will have health problems that result in a hospitalization. Their insurance will dispute some of the claims because they are covered under the lowest tier of the GOP’s health care plan: the “fasting and praying” option.
You will experience racism.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Donald Trump’s economic vision will impact your credit score when you send your credit card company a note explaining how you are waiting for the tax breaks for large corporations and the wealthiest 1 percent to “trickle down.”
You will experience racism.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
News reports will reveal that one of your favorite male celebrities is a trash human being. You will cape for him until multiple people come out of the woodwork and echo the claims. You will then have no choice but to believe the accusations or insist that the celebrity in question was trying to purchase a large television network.
You will experience racism.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Someone you follow on social media will do something stupid. They will delete the tweets, but someone will have already taken screenshots. They will offer a half-hearted apology asking forgiveness “if they offended anyone.”
You will experience racism.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will lose a very close friend. They won’t die or anything, but you will discover that they did something unforgivable like excuse racism, homophobia or—even worse—put sugar on their grits.
You will not experience racism. Wait ... I just proofread the tarot cards. You will experience racism.
My bad.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You will lose your keys. You will crack your smartphone screen. You will have a bad day at work. You will call it the “worst day ever.” Then you will remember that you have a house, a car and a job.
You will still experience racism, though.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
One of your white friends will say something low-key racist and you won’t respond to it. You will think about it for the next few days and your white friend will wonder why you seem “so different lately.” You will wonder if you are being too sensitive.
You will experience high-key racism.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will discover a ridiculous new fashion trend and wonder why anyone would ever wear something like that. A few months later, you will wear something like that. Stop it. You look ridiculous.
You will experience racism.
Other predictions:
- A police officer will kill an unarmed black person, and the brutally explicit video of the police killing will circulate all over social media. It will be a cut-and-dried case of police brutality. There will be protests, and police unions will defend the inexcusable actions of the officer. Law enforcement agencies will warn the public not to make a judgment based on a video because we don’t know what led up to the incident. The officer will be acquitted after a trial.
- Donald Trump will tweet something stupid.
- The music hit of the year will be by a rapper mumbling monosyllabic non sequiturs around a catchy hook that sounds like it was written by a seventh-grader who is really supposed to be in the ninth grade but his social studies teacher doesn’t like him. It will be slightly misogynistic, violent and mention “the trap,” guns, prescription drugs and the word “nigga” at least once. But the beat will slap hard.
- A white person will wear blackface.
- There will be a bitter election in November over whether Democrats or Republicans will control the House of Representatives and the Senate. Political pundits will explain what it means for the future of the parties and America. Both chambers of Congress will be overwhelmingly controlled by the same party: old white people.
- White people will believe they experience racism.