Whenever I watch The Real Housewives of Jack and Jill Potomac, I have to ask myself if I really like this show or if I merely hate myself. Between their racial politics, color complexes and obsession with pretending that Potomac is the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area’s equivalent of St. Barts (select dictators certainly think so), even hate-watching can feel draining. Yes, Potomac is a very affluent area and, of course, the Real Housewives franchise is all about hamming up one’s wealth, but bougie black people are some of the most exhausting people on this increasingly less-green earth.
RHOP is like watching the after-hours of an HBCU (think Howard, Hampton or SpelHouse) alumni gala in real time. Like, you’re watching stuck-up black folks feign the kind of pedigree typically flexed by white people only. Why subject yourself to that torture? Well, you wait around ’cause you know brown liquor and “Blow the Whistle” will eventually loosen their tight asses the hell up already, and they’ll entertain you.
That’s basically how I feel about this show: Get them drunk already so they can stop faking like they belong on The Royals. That critique aside, I’m sitting here reviewing the season premiere, so congratulations, ladies. Y’all got me watching no matter how much shit I talk.
Now, let’s discuss these new taglines.
Gizelle:
Word on the street is I’m still the word on the street.
Girl, you can’t do better than that? Anyone who looks like Vanessa Williams should try harder. (If that doesn’t make sense to you, you’ve never seen Vanessa Williams’ performance of “Running Back to You” on The Arsenio Hall Show.)
Karen:
Potomac put me on a pedestal and the view is spectacular.
What I appreciate about Karen, who favors Tina Knowles if Tina Knowles were a villain in a live-action adaptation of some Disney classic, is that she knows what this franchise is supposed to be like, so she gives it her best shot each and every time. Salute, Whitney Houston.
Robyn:
Don’t let the green eyes fool you: I’m as real as they come.
Robyn always seems to be going through a lot, so maybe she didn’t have enough time to think of something better than a reference to her green eyes. Bless her heart.
Charrisse:
Why cry over spoiled milk when you can laugh over champagne?
This is Junior Varsity Karen, but she made an effort.
Ashley:
I’ve played by Potomac rules, but now it’s time to play by my own.
Unlike Ashley.
As for what these women have been up to, I’m mostly interested in how much Gizelle and Charrisse now hate each other. Gizelle and Charrisse are like Kim and Whitley if they remained frenemies and kept a toxic relationship going well into their 40s. Gizelle is mad at Charrisse for insinuating that she was a whore during the RHOP reunion. Charrisse is vexed at Gizelle because during Gizelle’s appearance on Watch What Happens Live, Gizelle revealed that Charrisse had a lil’ boyfriend (a fireman, to be exact) at the same time her soon-to-be ex-husband was out thotting in New Jersey.
So, for much of the episode, we see these two go at each other through other people. When they finally do have direct confrontation, it lasts for mere minutes, with neither one of them bothering to say, “My bad for putting your business on the street.” Instead, we got Gizelle claiming that Charrisse’s line, “Don’t let this zip code fool you,” was borrowed from a song that doesn’t exist.
Their beef is dumb. Charrisse, if that’s your girl, don’t insinuate that she’s out here laying it low and spreading it wide. I mean, if she is, that’s her business. Gizelle, you know you were retaliating, so own it, own it, own it, like Lisa Rinna, and repair the friendship. Or hate each other and entertain us. Whatever floats y’all’s dinghy.
Meanwhile, Gizelle has moved to a new house but would like a man with money and a big dick.
As for others who have moved, Robyn has downsized to a home 45 miles away from Potomac. Gizelle paid her a visit, and for most of the entire scene, the show acted as if a two-bedroom townhouse in Hanover, Md., was the equivalent of moving to the projects. By the way, Robyn still lives with her fine-ass ex-husband, whom she continues to share a bed with. Sure, Juan is fine, but they seem to still live with each other only because they need someone to split the rent with. I hope she has a praying relative in her corner.
No cast member from RHOP besides Ashley would do club appearances, but can they get Robyn on the speaker circuit? Where is Dr. Heavenly from Married to Medicine? We have to get Robyn generating some other income so she can move away from Juan and get on SoulSwipe or something.
Karen is moving out of her home, too. While it doesn’t appear to be for financial reasons on the premiere, the previews for the rest of the season suggest otherwise. Regardless, Karen did the absolute most while viewing some home her and husband’s Realtor wanted her to see. It’s no shade, but it’s kind of hard to watch Karen read a home for its kitchen when her current home’s kitchen was dragged across social media only a year ago.
Either way, I wish Karen would stop calling her husband “Dr. Black Bill Gates.” Karen kept saying this Sunday night. That’s not his name. We’re not calling him that. Let him be “Dr. Not Peter Thomas but Close” or some other name. Hell, his name, whatever it is, because she won’t let us remember it.
All right, let’s get to Charrisse. Charrisse and her husband are getting a divorce, but while her relationship status may be changing, Charrisse is continuing to rap on camera. Charrisse seems like someone who would tell you off camera that she prefers “mixtape Nicki” but, when hooked up to a microphone, would say Michelle Obama is the reason she tries to show she’s got bars on the show.
Then there is Ashley, who is consumed with running her new restaurant, which already appears to be in trouble. That didn’t stop her from shaking a tail feather in some charity event founded by Hill Harper. Coincidentally, Gizelle served as a judge for the event and gave Ashley a 10. Gizelle also complimented her ass after Ashley won the contest. I’m touched.
That said, Ashley talks to her Aussie hubby and sugar daddy rather, uh, harshly. It’s not my marriage, but while everyone should be “i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that means” in a relationship, let’s not get too crazy when talking to a benefactor. With this administration, you best not lose your seat on the money train.
All and all, the season premiere was all right, but I’m ready for that new cast member, Monique, who owns four homes and appears to get on the nerves of quite a few of the OG cast members. Hurry. We need you.