I've spent quite a lot of time being Black in my life. In fact, I've spent most of my life actively partaking in this endeavor. And do you know what I noticed during this time?
Black folks are the most monolithic, non-monolithic people on the planet. That is probably not true, but rock with me baby, all night long. I wanna roll with you baby…
…I'm sure since Bobby was singing that, he meant rollin' some DRUGS. You know…drugs!
Moving on. So despite our tendency to 'pacifically scream how diverse we are, there are certain topics where people pretty much fall on one side or the other. There's not that much variance. You're either a Blood or a Crip. You may be bickin' back bein' bool or everybody you know is your cuz. We flipsides. Well, as a chronicler of the experience, and one who just found out about the famous Book of Negroes (being made into a mini-series coming soon to a BET near you), I feel a certain desire to attempt, with the assistance of you good people, to compile a list of the most divisive topics in the Black community.
I'm going to start it off because that's what I do. I'm awesome like that. I said I was number one, but oops sorry I lied, I'm number 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Step into a world.
So here is my starter list of 10 of the most divisive topics in the Black community.
1. Natural Hair vs whatever the opposite of natural hair is
You're either big hair don't care or relaxin' by the pool all the live long day. But nothing lights up the whites of Black women's eyes like a convo about hair. Natural hair women get that sparkle in their eyes as they whip their hair back and forth and proclaim how that natural life works for them while creamy cracked out women defend their choices. This is truly one of those convos where the male opinion has zero to do with it. Mostly because the vast majority of us don't care. I just like hair. As long as you don't look like a track star at the Penn Relays, I'm happy. But the men who do care, care lots. Big lots.
2. HBCUs vs PWIs
Black college alumns love our schools too much. White schools kids think we think we're better than them. Which is odd because the PWI folks think they got a better education and a "real world" experience. Or something. PWIers only respect like three HBCUs. HBCU folks really couldn't care less where you went for undergrad because you ain't whippin' our asses and plus, we got to hang with actual Black people who weren't athletes. In college. Point is, this is an arena rife with beef. Which sucks because HBCUs are better. Wait…what? Yeah. FIGHT ME.
3. Spades
Half of you f*ckers can't play and blame us for not teaching you. Thing is, you don't realize how many ninjas can't play spades until you bring it up and get visceral, Jozen-like responses to the game. "Ain't nobody got time for spades….where da bid whist table?!" Yeah. No. There are two distinct camps. Folks (like me) who swear by spades and folks who can't play a lick. There's no middle ground. Spades is the key to the illuminati and Nirvana lyrics.
4. Beyonce
I don't even need to write anything but I will. One half loves her. The other half thinks she can't sing. The third half thinks she's overrated. See what Beyonce does? She ruins math.
5. Gay marriage
Black folks are notoriously conservative. While publicly many folks will say, "hey, let them do them" once you step into the church house things change. And comments sections are where the freaks come out. There's always a group who states that "it just ain't right" and then that brings out the others who feel the same way. Hey, everybody's entitled to their opinions. Just saying, it divides houses.
6. Grits
It's difficult to get some consensus on what even constitutes a real serving of grits. Some of you motherfuckers need Jesus.
7. The N-Word
Personally, I'm one of those niggas that fucks with the nword tough. Other niggas absolutely do NOT get jiggy with the nword. And those two sides are very far apart. Thing is, nobody has ever successfully defended the use of it. In fact, Q-Tip's verse on "Sucka Nigga" might the be the worst defense ever. It's like the crane kick, if do right, no can defense. That made no sense. Fight me. RIP Miyagi.
8. The necessity of fathers vs single motherhood
Just ask Terry Crews how he feels about this one. Point is, single mothers feel very strongly -as they should. But fathers feel strongly about this too. It becomes a thing unnecessarily, but a thing it becomes.
9. Lebron James vs Michael Jordan
This is a dumb argument especially since Robert Horry has more rings than both of them. He's clearly the best player of all time.
10. Ether vs Takeover
Who won? Jay all day says moi. But there is a whole school that thinks that Nas ethered Jay. Nas turned ether into a verb. Ether is a noun like shit to non-colored people. Only in the diaspora is ether a verb.
Well that's 10. What else you got? What are the most divisive topics in the Black community?