On Friday the erratic, bigoted dotard who somehow thinks that he can obscure his intelligence deficiency by simply declaring that he is, most assuredly, a “very stable genius,” once again tried to Jedi-mind-trick America into believing that he isn’t an unhooded Klansman when he proclaimed that he was “the least racist person” we know, in an act that I refer to as “Joyner Lucas-ing.”
Not to be confused with actual racists, not-racists are the people who perpetually proclaim their commitment to equality, but their actions contradict their anuslike mouths. Because smart people never have to remind anyone of their aptitude, and the most racist people we know always begin their sentences with, “I don’t want to sound racist, but ... ,” we thought we’d actually offer a countdown of some of the least racist people we’d know.
7. White People on MLK Day
Martin Luther King Jr. Day is the most important holiday for the not-racist because they get to self-righteously inform black people of what King would have wanted. Their explanations are always a jumbled turd of gobbledygook about forgiveness, togetherness and everything except the evil of white supremacy. They never reach the one salient thing that we all know King would have truly desired above all others:
To not be shot in the face by a white racist.
6. Abraham Lincoln
Honest Abe is the Beyoncé of presidents and the American symbol for not-racist Republicans. They even refer to the GOP as the “party of Lincoln” and use the fact that the Emancipation Proclamation freed the slaves (although it really didn’t) as a bullet point for why Republicans shouldn’t be considered racist. They never mention this quote by Lincoln:
I will say then, that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters of the negroes, or jurors, or qualifying them to hold office, of having them to marry with white people. I will say in addition, that there is a physical difference between the white and black races, which I suppose, will forever forbid the two races living together upon terms of social and political equality, and inasmuch, as they cannot so live, that while they do remain together, there must be the position of superior and inferior, that I as much as any other man am in favor of the superior position being assigned to the white man.
There are some who will tell you that it’s not fair to call the great vampire-hunting president a racist because this was the predominant sentiment of the day. But the Oxford English Dictionary describes racism as “Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one’s own race is superior.”
Damn, those pesky definitions.
5. Your Best Friend
I know that most of the black people reading this have white best friends. These black people allow their white buddies to use the n-word in casual conversation and denigrate people of color in their presence. I wholeheartedly admit that—besides Ben Carson, Omarosa Manigault Newman and the omnipresent Negro in the group scene of every television ad—I have never met the previously described black people, but I am assured of their existence by whites who verify that they are also the “least racist person I know” by claiming that “one of their best friends is black.”
So even though I have never seen these best black friends, I’m sure they must exist somewhere besides tampon ads, beer commercials and Cabinet meetings. I’m always tempted to say, “Call your best friend right now on speakerphone” whenever I am presented with this logic, but I’m sure that white people would never lie to me.
4. The Democratic Party
The Democratic Party is the party of black people, even though I have never heard a Republican call anyone a “superpredator.” Democrats are not racist like their conservative counterparts, who chase working-class white voters and never say the words “white supremacy,” but explain how it’s policy and economics that politicians should focus on. Now that I think about it, didn’t Sen. Bernie Sanders say the same thing? But I digress.
Republicans would love the black vote, but they never take a stand for actual black people. Now that I think about it, don’t Democrats do the same thing?
I’m not saying that the Democratic Party is as bad as the Republican Party, but if racism is evil and the Democratic Party is the lesser of two evils, that qualifies it as one of the least racist people we know.
3. Christians
I would never say that all Christians are racist. I’m not even saying that most Christians are racist. But more than politics, geography or social status, the one through line in almost every iteration of large-scale white supremacy efforts is Christianity. The Ku Klux Klan, the neo-Nazi Aryan Nations and the neo-Confederate League of the South all claim that their roots are based in Christianity. Not-racists love Jesus.
It probably isn’t Jesus’ fault, but his words have been twisted and used to torture blacks, Muslims, and LGBT people more than Adolf Hitler’s and Donald Trump’s combined. Most racists don’t carry a tiki torch or a Confederate flag ... a Bible will suffice. As the golden rule says: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Apparently, in Caucasian Bibles, “you” is defined in the concordance as “white people.”
2. Thomas Jefferson
He is called “the sage of Monticello” and “the father of democracy.” When it comes to freedom, liberty and justice for all, there is no one more revered than Tommy J. from around the way. After all, he invented America, so he’s gotta be in the top five on the countdown of not-racists.
No one ever mentions the fact that history and DNA evidence say that Jefferson fathered six children with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings. They fail to point out that Hemings was raped, because a slave is, by definition, unable to give consent to her old white owner who kept her in a corner of his bedroom.
Jefferson was so not-racist that he kept his own children as slaves and didn’t set them free until after his death. There is no indication that Jefferson ever freed Hemings, making him almost the least racist person you ever heard of.
1. White Women
When it comes to the least racist people on earth, no one eclipses the perpetual dismantlers of “the patriarchy”: white women.
White women can jump on the bandwagon of the “oppressed” while simultaneously benefiting from white supremacy. They can vote for a new-millennium ethnic cleanser and march against him a week later. They can be the universal standard of beauty while co-opting the booties, lips and bodies of the women they disdain. They can stand in front of the Supreme Court seeking to abolish affirmative action and take advantage of it at the same time.
They can steal the #MeToo movement from a black woman, act as if they didn’t and admonish the world to “believe all women.” They can cast ballots for a pedophile cowboy and act like they helped black women defeat him. They have an oxymoronic superpower that allows them to cash in on white privilege and castigate it at the same time. They are allies in the fight against white supremacy. Their perceived purity is the reason for white supremacy.
But they dated a black guy in college, so they can’t be prejudiced. They’re the least racist person you know. That I can tell you.