Dear Demetria:
Is it polite for a man to ask a lady to trim herself “down there”? She really likes me to give her oral, but it’s difficult with so much growth. I’ve hinted about it, but she never seems to get it, and I’m considering the direct approach. Just don’t want to offend her, but I can’t take it anymore. Help! —Anonymous
An April 2014 Pace University survey, “How We Date, Have Sex, and Form Relationships Today,” included a section on the state of hair “down there.” Of the respondents, just 10 percent of men and 20 percent of women said they did no landscaping to their lawns, which I found startling, since questions like yours come up with startling frequency. The report found that the vast majority of people say they trim the hedges, and a third of women say they remove all the “greenery” (0 percent of men said they do), but I’m skeptical. Either folks are lying or the people who encounter the nonmaintenance types are a very vocal bunch—and understandably so.
Hair there is entirely natural and normal. But if she’s inviting you to her yard, she should at the very least organize and clean before you arrive. To not do so is the mark of a poor hostess. You’re trying to be a polite guest, with all the hinting and such, but just as when you visit someone’s home and ask for a glass of water if he or she doesn’t offer, you’ve got to speak up here, too, and let your hostess know what you’d like during your visit.
You’re frustrated that she hasn’t been taking hints well, but try not to let that get the best of you when you make your entirely reasonable request. Ask nicely for what you want—don’t demand—and add how much you enjoy her yard. (People are often supersensitive when anything about sex is critiqued, even when constructive.) Say you would just like a little more landscaping to occur to make your visit more pleasant, and ask what she thinks about that.
Essentially what you’re requesting is a little assistance from her to help you give her more pleasure more often. This should go over without much of a hitch.
A week later, our gentleman was back with a follow-up:
I took your advice, and my girlfriend got very angry. She said I “should be happy to get this [sex] and stop complaining.” Not sure what to do now except maybe get used to it. Unless you have any other advice …
Seriously? Some people just don’t know which battles to fight, because this should not be one. She has you, a partner who is willing to please, and she won’t make a small concession to make it more convenient? This is a clear-cut case of blocking your blessings!
I respect her right to manicure her lawn how she pleases. But since she’s unwilling to accommodate guests, you should stop visiting. Maybe when she notices that you’re no longer willing to play in her yard, she’ll realize what a mistake she’s making and tend to her hedges appropriately.
When she asks why you don’t visit anymore, tell her again what the issue is: The hedges need trimming. If she wants you to enjoy the yard again, she’ll accommodate you or stop asking.
Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love as well as A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.
Previously in Ask Demetria: “He Wants to Go to a House Party on a 1st Date? Just Say No”