Greetings, Earthlings.
With so much going on this weekend in the NFL, instead of focusing on the big stories each week like I usually do, I’m gonna generously offer my two cents on an assortment of games from Sunday. You’re welcome in advance.
For starters, as a lifelong Denver Broncos fan, the shocking death of former receiver Demaryius Thomas on Friday hit me and other Broncos fans throughout the country pretty hard. As for the team itself, thanks in part to its horrific coaching staff and the erratic play of Teddy Two Gloves Yards, the Broncos (7-6) have been about as consistent as a Drake album this season, delivering dominant performances one week, followed by putrid play that belongs in a porta-potty or rest stop bathroom the next.
As my therapist can attest, it’s been kinda frustrating.
That being said, in paying tribute to everything Thomas gave to the team and Denver community both on and off the field, I knew the Broncos were going to smack fire out of the Detroit Lions (1-11-1) on Sunday—and that’s exactly what happened. But first, to kick off the game, Denver took the field with only 10 players (out of respect for the gesture, the Lions declined the delay of game penalty) while the jumbotron beamed with Thomas’ jersey number, No. 88:
From that moment on it was a bloodbath, with running backs Javonte Williams (83 yards from scrimmage, two touchdowns) and Melvin Gordon (111 rushing yards, two touchdowns) taking turns pounding the rock while the rest of the team made it a point to honor Thomas throughout the game:
Once the dust settled, the Broncos emerged with an emotional 38-10 victory. And aside from keeping their playoff hopes alive, it was abundantly clear who this win was for.
“The best way to honor [Thomas’] legacy is to go out and play great football,” Broncos quarterback Teddy Bridgewater said after the game.
I couldn’t agree more.
While I took tremendous joy in watching my Broncos get busy on Sunday, elsewhere, the Buffalo Bills (7-6) and Baltimore Ravens (8-5) were doing their best to fuck off their playoff hopes.
After going the entire first half without handing the ball off once (as in not one damn time because they apparently forgot running backs are a thing), the Bills somehow fought and clawed their way back onto the scoreboard and miraculously forced the Tampa Bay Bucs (10-3) to settle their differences like men in overtime.
Unfortunately for them, Tom Brady doesn’t abide by the Geneva Convention, so the inevitable quickly became a reality:
With Sunday’s 33-27 loss to Tampa Bay, the once-promising Bills continue to fade into obscurity in the AFC East (and the rest of the league), while the New England Bill Belicheats clearly have the division in a flying armbar. But Buffalo isn’t alone in its relentless quest for football futility, as Baltimore seems hell-bent on handing over the AFC North on a silver platter to either the Cleveland Browns (7-6) or Cincinnati Bengals (7-6).
It’s hard not to feel bad for the Ravens, since they essentially resemble The Walking Dead at this point with their endless list of catastrophic injuries. Yet somehow shit went from bad to worse on Sunday because in the middle of extending their two-game skid, Lamar Jackson suffered a nasty ankle sprain:
We’re still waiting to hear how long the 2019 Pro Bowler could be out, but it’s safe to assume that Jesus wept.
It’s also safe to assume that the Kansas City Chiefs (9-4) are the Kansas City Cheifs again after they decapitated the Los Angeles Oakland Las Vegas Raiders (6-7) 48-9 on Sunday and were even kind enough to dispose of the body, while the Cowboys (9-4) made light work of Washington (6-7) and Jaguars coach Urban Meyer took a break from terrorizing his co-workers and subordinates at the water cooler in order to terrorize Titans coach Mike Vrabel instead with a terrible-ass handshake after suffering his fifth straight loss:
Cameron Jerrell Newton didn’t particularly enjoy the Lord’s day either, because after throwing an ugly interception against the Atlanta Falcons (6-7), he found himself at a familiar address called Back on the Bench:
I think that about covers everything that went down this weekend, but let me end this with some love for one of the greatest receivers in Denver Broncos history, Demaryius Thomas.
Rest in power, King.