Although the MAGA Games’ closing ceremony has been ridiculed for the fourth-shittiest fireworks display since Francis Scott Key penned his magnum opus (Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Pearl Harbor still finish with medals), when we realized that white people were going to have a lot of time on their hands for the foreseeable future, we knew we were going to have to do something.
This is “something.”
Beginning in 2017, The Root began preparing this handy-dandy guide for people who are distressed about living in a “shithole country” where a Black woman is the second-in-command. Even more disturbing, the commander-in-chief reads things and speaks in complete sentences.
But, knowing the history of whiteness in America, however, we totally forgot about it.
Then came the Nov. 3 election, the “Stop the Steal” protests and the Jan. 6 Caucasian cookout and coup. Finally, when Joe Biden placed his hand on Jesus’ Trapper Keeper to recite the Pledge of Allegiance,* we knew white people were going to need someone to ease them out of the realm of conspiracy theories and economic anxiety and back into a reality-based world.
*Or maybe it was the Oath of the Night’s Watch, I’m not quite sure what it’s called. I rarely pay attention to white men’s promises.
Think of this handy-dandy guide as an addendum to The 1776 Commission Report. If a group of mediocre white men can plagiarize some other mediocre white men and rewrite history, surely some of the best experts in the field of wypipology could assemble an instruction manual for the gallant men and women who incited, supported and participated in the four-year-long wypipo Purge.
Here are your instructions on how to cope with this new, post-MAGApocalyptic reality.
Make America Great Again
When you finally emerge from your Trump-induced state of hypnosis, you might be shocked to learn that all of your white superpowers have vanished into thin air. Even worse, you might arrive at the sobering conclusion that you have been living in the shithole country this whole time.
Don’t worry, we can fix that.
Although ignoring a global pandemic won’t make it go away, you don’t have to take shots of 100-proof bleach! Instead of arguing with the Walmart greeter about the nonexistent constitutional Amendment that guarantees you the right to spread the coronavirus, just wear a mask! I know it’s hard. But since you are so enamored with your Confederate “heritage,” why not use the same strategy your Klan-adjacent forefathers used when they spread the virus of white supremacy? Pretend you’re burning a cross or shooting pepper spray at a protester. See? masks can be fun!
In addition to covering your face, here’s one of the biggest ways to make America great for the first time:
Sit down.
If one is not enough, we can even offer you several seats. As long as you sit your ass down somewhere, we’re willing to work with you. It’s our number one wish. (We’ve taken a poll and everything.)
The top 10 list of people tired of your bullshit include:
10. Managers who don’t want to be spoken to
9. Non-racist women named Karen
8. Capitol police officers
7. 911 operators who need you to calm down for a minute, ma’am
6. White people who are racist, but not that racist
5. The 44 percent of white women who didn’t vote for Trump
4. People who are just trying to do things while Black
3. The 17 police who didn’t attend the insurrection shindig
2. People whose lives matter
1. The Black women who keep having to save America from your ass
Practice “Law & Order”
White people being held accountable for their actions might make you feel like everything is descending into chaos, but there’s actually a very logical reason for all of this. See, there’s this document called the Constitution that you may have heard about. I know you love to quote it when it suits your needs but, while you’re trying to decide who should lead your next torch and pitchfork march (I’m betting on Josh Hawley), you should really try to read it sometimes.
For instance, you know that First Amendment part you keep talking about when your boy got kicked off of Twitter? Well, it only applies to government interference with free speech and assembly. But, if you think it should apply to society as a whole, then you might want to remember that the next time someone kneels at a football game or organizes a peaceful protest against police brutality.
Speaking of police, you might wanna remind the “blue lives” you value so much that the Constitution thingy I mentioned earlier has a clause about “due process,” which includes not shooting Black people in the face. And I’m pretty sure there’s something in there about denying people their right to vote.
Sadly, there’s not a clause that says: “The group with the biggest mob wins.”
Put “America First”
I know you hate “big government,” but here’s a crazy idea that you should consider before calling yourself a “patriot” who loves their country:
Stop trying to overthrow it.
If you have any warm feelings about democracy, how about conceding that Russia is bad; paying taxes is good, and foreign election interference should, at least, be frowned upon. And how about making sure every eligible person can vote? Now, this next part is gonna sound radical, but hear me out:
I think we should also count votes.
And before you plan the next cookout at the Capitol, you might want to remember this law:
Whoever incites, sets on foot, assists, or engages in any rebellion or insurrection against the authority of the United States or the laws thereof, or gives aid or comfort thereto, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.
This brings me to my next suggestion:
Become a Very Stable Genius
Since the election, you are probably just finding out about this new invention called “facts.” You were probably aware of the alternative kind, but to assist in the concept of knowing things, we have come up with an entire curriculum that might help you get up to date.
- Language Arts: This mostly involves reading stuff other than Facebook memes and QAnon posts on Reddit. Although you might know “all the best words,” perhaps you should focus on vocabulary and grammar. For instance, did you know that “bigly” is not even a word?
- Math: Again, numbers play a very important part in the real world. Instead of determining the president by who you feel should win, we actually count votes.
- Science: If you were shocked to discover that COVID-19 was not the light-skinned flu, you’re gonna be flabbergasted when you find out Sharpies don’t determine the path of hurricanes or that Clorox isn’t the coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so you can open the economy medicine.
- Geography: Since you like pictures, you should check out this series of top-secret drawings called maps to confirm that Puerto Rico is part of the United States but Russia isn’t.
- History: The Confederates were traitors; the Founding Fathers were white supremacists and slavery was racist. We know this because there are people who actually read what these historical figures wrote. There is nothing wrong with admiring these historical figures, but you don’t have to whitewash the past to do it. I still love “Give it To Me Baby” even though Rick James smoked crack cocaine. I know this because he said it!
However, I do understand why this concept might be hard to grasp:
Whiteness is a helluva drug.
Be Best
While living in a country careening towards the inevitability of surviving solely off your talent, intellect and ability can understandably cause a lot of “economic anxiety,” America didn’t erase your privilege; we just repurposed it by replacing one old mediocre white man with another old mediocre white man. White mediocrity is like bell-bottom pants, Betty White, and booty dancing—it’ll never quite go out of style.
If you wield your privilege correctly, you too can claim you should be president after losing the popular vote twice. There’s still a chance that you could be considered a business magnate after claiming bankruptcy four times. If you’re a white woman, someone might hand you a Senate seat or make you a White House adviser—especially if you have the right daddy or husband.
Think of all the things your people have accomplished throughout the history of this great land. You built the mightiest economy in the world (with only the help of a few unpaid victims of an international human trafficking ring). You defeated the Nazis (with the help of Black soldiers whose benefits you stole). You built the middle class (with money that was again, stolen from Black people). And you created a beacon of freedom and democracy (slavery, segregation, voter disenfranchisement, unequal education, and the criminal justice system notwithstanding).
Or, you could take the route of Barack Obama or Kamala Harris by graduating from college, going to law school, getting elected to office and then gaining the position you want.
But you’re white! We’re not even asking you “be best”
Just do better.
Please?