Welcome to the fourth annual Wypipo Awards. For those in attendance for the first time, all of our winners are of the Caucasian variety, so it’s just like the Grammys or the Oscars except the winner gets a golden jar of mayonnaise.
One of the reasons white people pass voter ID laws, disenfranchise voters and hate on the BET Awards is that white people are afraid black people won’t vote for them. So, in our efforts to promote diversity and ensure that everyone knows that white lives matter, our founder, Mr. Y.P. Pull—who made his fortune building desalinization plants that take the salt out of white tears and use it to irrigate kale farms—started this award show to recognize the most influential wypipo.
Each year, we impanel a group of experts including:
- Industry experts: The guy at the barbershop who knows everything about show business because his cousin drove Cardi B in an Uber.
- Wypipologists: Michael Harriot
- Neil “The Grass” Tyson: Who claims he’s an astrophysicist because he smokes a lot of weed while watching the acclaimed documentary series, Star Wars.
- Studio executives: Not movie studios, but a guy who has a computer running GarageBand in his basement.
- Political Experts: Including Senator Clay Davis, who eliminates nominees by responding: “Sheeeeeiiiiiit.”
Here are this year’s nominees and winners:
White Tears Award:
- BBQ Becky: When I first saw the video of Jennifer Schulte calling the cops on people enjoying a cookout at an Oakland park, I thought it was crazy. It was only when my friend told me to watch the entire video that I made it to the part where she sobs relentlessly for no reason.
- Sarah Sanders: For getting emotional talking about immigrant children tossed into concentration camps while working for the administration that created the policy of tossing children into concentration camps. She also whined about being tossed from a restaurant and the need for more civility while working for the most uncivil administration ever.
- Permit Patty: For sobbing on TV that she didn’t “mean to call” the police when she alerted the cops to an eight-year-old selling water.
- Melania Trump: For claiming to be the “most bullied person in the world,” while being married to the world’s biggest bully.
And the winner is: Brett Kavanaugh
I don’t believe that men aren’t supposed to cry but men aren’t supposed to cry like this. Brett burst into tears in front of the entire world when he thought that his lifelong white male privilege scholarship might be taken away just because he allegedly attempted to rape someone. My personal theory is that he wasn’t crying and that was just beer oozing out of his tear ducts. Regardless, Brett wins for giving us the best, up-close version of white tears in 2018.
Becky of the Year:
- Roseanne Barr: Do you know how much of a Becky one must be to get fired from the number one show on network TV for racism?
- Megyn Kelly: Do you know how much of a Becky one must be to get fired from the number two morning show on network TV for racism?
- Lena Dunham: The acclaimed white feminist and supporter of the #MeToo movement didn’t just side with her white male friend when he was accused of sexual misconduct by a black woman, but Lenny made up a whole lie to show he was innocent!
- Susan Collins: I should link to The Root’s coverage of when Collins voted to confirm Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh, but nothing says it better than our sister site’s headline: “Fuck Susan Collins.”
- Taylor Swift: After saying nothing about becoming the darling of the alt-right, on the day she ended her North American tour, Swift went on Instagram to condemn racism. She was falsely credited with boosting voter registration but I’m sure she made sure the alt-right checks cleared first.
And the Winner is: Dana Loesch
NRA spokesperson and former infomercial actress Dana Loesch is what would happen if Satan fucked a cactus plant. The evil queen of the National Rifle association laughed at children who had just survived a mass shooting and said white mothers whose children were killed was “ratings gold.” Dana Loesch’s mouth continues to serve double duty as the gun manufacturing industry’s anus. She doesn’t care about shit because her ultimate goal is to gain immortality by dethroning the Wicked Witch of the West.
Best Supporting Wypipo Award:
- Candace Owens: For her Blexit campaign encouraging black people to leave the Democratic party, her lies and her overall stupidity.
- Killer Mike: No one disagrees with Killer Mike that black people should own guns legally or support second amendment rights. But he took that stupid strawman contrarian argument to NRA TV, which openly supports every single anti-black position imaginable.
- Diamond and Silk: For their advancements in the shucking arena and their advancements in jiving technology.
- Kanye West: Kanye literally caped for a white supremacist. That is enough.
And the winner is: Black people who still watch the NFL
The largest source of money for the NFL is television revenue. That money is determined by ratings. If you watch the NFL on anything other than an over-the-air antenna, your viewership boosts the NFL’s ratings, thus providing them with more revenue. The reason they can get away with banning Colin Kaepernick and silencing protests is that they made a business decision that white viewers were more important and that black people will continue to contribute to the oppression of their own people if the entertainment value is high enough.
Apparently, they are right.
Best Wypipo-ing by a Duo or Group:
- White NYC Parents: For raising a ruckus about the possibility of their children going to school with children of color.
- The NFL: For banning Colin Kaepernick. For silencing protests about black lives. For saying nothing when the President called black players “sons of bitches.” For convincing black people to keep watching.
- Facebook: For supporting white supremacists, Russian hackers, privacy violations, racism, false equivalencies, police shootings, fake news and white tears.
- Florida: This year alone, people from Florida sent bombs to black politicians, committed election fraud, elected a racist for governor and attacked black students.
And the Winner is: The Trump Administration
Not since Alabama governor George Wallace’s inauguration have a group of white people been so racist. They created the child separation policy, covered for him when he talked about “shithole countries,” dismantled clean air and water regulations, aided with collusion with Russia, lied about readily available statistics, vilified the press, excused white supremacists, lowered taxes on the rich, dismantled health care and obstructed justice. And that was just yesterday!
Whitest Thing This Year:
- Thomas the Tankkk: The NRA put Ku Klux Klan hats on Thomas the Tank Engine because it was too diverse.
- Maroon 5 at the Super Bowl: In Atlanta. Atlanta, y’all. That’s like bringing store-bought potato salad to a black cookout.
- White people’s animal love: Aside from being kicked off planes for having emotional support hamsters, PETA said disparaging animals was just like being racist.
- SLAV The Musical: For the sold-out musical featuring white people singing “slave songs” while working in the fields picking cotton.
And the Winner is: The New York Times
Perhaps no news outlet, including the Federalist and White Entertainment Television (Fox News) shined a flattering light on white supremacy as much as the New York Times. They had an op-ed about how much they missed WASPs. They did a glowing feature on “the white supremacist next door.” They hired a Nazi Sympathizer. They fired a woman of color for
“reverse racism.”
If Lena Dunham fucked Breitbart, she would give birth to the New York Times.
Worst New Wypipo:
- Ron DeSantis: For his efforts in casual racism and earning the governorship of the most batshit state in the Union.
- Cindy Hyde-Smith: For wanting to be in the front row at a public hanging.
- Terra Morehead: The evilest white woman on earth.
- Michael Cohen: Helped Trump obstruct justice, collude with Russia and pay off porn stars but now he wants to do the right thing.
And the winner is: Kirstjen Nielsen
Perhaps no white woman’s fortune has risen and fallen as quickly as the Aryan, arrogant Secretary of Homeland Security. She was in charge of the child separation policy. She is still trying to institute the travel ban. She is in charge of rounding up people who have lived in the U.S. for years. She was upset when she was kicked out of a Mexican restaurant but she also refused to admit that Trump referred to Nigeria and Haiti as “shithole” countries.
Most Improved Wypipo:
- John McCain: After supporting anti-black conservative policies, he finally came around to see the light. Too bad it took death for him to get around to it.
- Jeff Flake: In the end, he was still a Republican but at least he tried the humanity thing for a couple of days.
- Frances McDormand: She was never bad but when she revealed that she demanded “inclusion riders” in her contract, it brought up my level of respect.
- Robert Mueller: This might be the first time in my life I have wished that a white law enforcement officer doesn’t lose his job.
And the winner is: Jim Acosta
I won’t lie, there are some white people I like just because they don’t like Trump and Jim Acosta is one of them. I am sure that Jim Acosta has personally declared that Donald Trump is and will forever be in his “on sight” category. Jim Acosta really wants to whip Trump’s ass and, while I don’t advocate violence, I’d pay somewhere between $4 and whatever is in my 401k to see him throw Donald Trump a fair one.
Wypipo of the Year:
- Steve King: Just when you thought the most racist representative in Congress couldn’t get more racist, Steve King went to visit Nazis (not neo-Nazis. Original recipe Nazis) at a concentration camp and then endorsed an openly white nationalist politician.
- Tucker Carlson: For coming out of the closet and going full white.
And the Winner is: Brian Kemp
When it comes to underhanded white people shit, Brian Kemp is in a class by himself. He purged voters from voter rolls. He threw out ballots. He oversaw an unauditable election. He left the back door open for hackers. He left the front door open for hackers. He cozied up to white supremacists. He oversaw his own gubernatorial race. He gave black voters faulty voting machines. He race-baited. He fear-mongered. He lied. He cheated. And ultimately, he stole a Georgia election that could have seen the first black woman governor in American history.
You gotta give it to Brian Kemp, he might be evil, but he’s thorough.
Plus, if you don’t “give it to him,” he’ll probably steal it anyway.
Lifetime Achievement Award:
White People Calling the Cops on Black People
Since time immemorial, calling the police on black people has been one of white America’s favorite pastimes. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, the only reason he called Watson was that he didn’t get an answer when he dialed 911 on his laboratory janitor, Jebediah. Bell said Jeb looked “suspicious,” but Jebediah was just trying to find out why this crazy white man kept talking into an electric box.
Since that day, white people have enjoyed summoning their societal protectors on black people. We dedicate this award to some of the most notorious police-callers including Susan Smith, who drowned her children and said that a black man did it. We celebrate the unknown caller who dialed 911 on Tamir Rice. We honor Ronald Ritchie, who used his cell phone to call the cops on a man buying a BB gun in Walmart, leading to the death of John Crawford.
We recognize all of the lynch mob starters from Rosewood, Fla., to Jackson, Miss. We salute the false rape accuser of the Scottsboro Boys. We honor the Tulsa, Okla., store clerk who heard Sarah Page scream on May 30, 1921. That clerk called the police on 19-year-old Dick Rowland, igniting the riots that would burn down Black Wall Street.
And we honor the hashtags including: #BBQBecky, #PermitPatty, #PoolPatrolPaula, #CornerStoreCaroline, #BrooklynBecky, #PaulBlartPoolCop, #BaggageClaimBecky, #CouponCarl, #DepressedDebbie and anyone we may have missed.
Just so you know: Even though we might give you those funny names, we don’t think of this as a joke...
We’re just tired of being the only ones whose names become hashtags.