10. Make sure you’re on the same page
One of the trickiest things about one-time flings is selecting a partner who understands and knows what it is. There’s nothing worse than thinking you had a mysterious night of passion and romance, and having that thirsty nigga show up at your job with flowers the next day, talmbout “can we go out to lunch?”
Shit.
Keshia from accounting is buying Chipotle today, and now you gonna miss a free meal because this nigga is all in his feelings. Make sure all parties are on point beforehand, before you’re stuck at a cafe with someone you thought you’d never speak to again listening to him tell you how he “really felt something, and the heart doesn’t lie.”
9. Do not share any extra information
There’s no sense in discussing what side of town you live on, or sharing pictures of your kids if all we’re going to do is fuck like jaguars in the Amazon. The only thing I need to know is pertinent medical information in case you slip into an epileptic seizure, and I’m patting myself on the back for thinking I gave you a strong orgasm, like “Damn, this chick is still coming.”
Let me know about that. Otherwise, I don’t care what sorority you pledged in college or how you take your coffee. You better take this dick
8. Know the rules of contact
Remember, this is a one night stand. The rules of dating etiquette do not apply here, but you should still be polite. When your tryst is finished, you do not have to walk to the car with the other person, but at the very least you should wrap your naked body up in the one sheet that doesn’t have the wet spot and accompany your fling to the door for the awkward half-hug that officially ends the end of fuck festivities. And make sure you reply to the “I made it home” text — even if you are still in the bed watching a lame lifetime movie. Even if you are watching Sportscenter trying to see how many points Stephon put up tonight. Even if you don’t give a fuck. It’s only right.
7. Bring your own protection
You can’t count on a one-night-stand to bring the condoms. Swing by CVS and get the 3-pack of Trojans, a keep them close to the bed. There’s nothing worse than getting down to the nitty gritty and having to turn on the light for to look for the rubbers. You might see something you don’t wanna see, like why does this dude have stretch marks on his thighs, or why does she have “Jamaal” tattooed on her left titty? Is that her son’s name? Is it her baby daddy who’s doing a bid up north? See, if you would’ve plopped those prophylactics on the bedstand you wouldn’t have second thoughts a mild case of the heebie jeebies right now.
6. Men, wash your nether regions
Most women know the hygiene protocol for late-night-lovemaking, but for some reason, some men think their balls can remain springtime fresh even after a second shift duty at the steel mill. A good shower might prevent your mate from going into diabetic shock from sucking on salty balls because you were over-confident about the situation in your britches. And no, cologne is not a detergent. The scent of sweaty nuts is not negated by Cool Water.
5. Let your sexual inhibitions go
What good is a one night stand if you are still restrained about your sexual hangups? This is not a time to be shy. You should be trying to fulfill unrequited sexual fantasies of the shit you’ve always wanted to do, but were too shy to try. The next day you should be a little sore and you should have to brush your teeth three times before kissing your kids. A one night stand is like playing in the Super Bowl or being in a rap battle - lose your self in the moment. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.
4. Do not double back
If you had a successful one-night stand and you want to do it again, please remember: It’s called a one night stand. Trying to recreate one is like trying to make your grandmama’s macaroni and cheese just because she gave you the recipe. You can have all the ingredients, but all you end up with is soggy, limp noodles and a sour taste in your mouth. That’s how disappointment tastes. And salty balls.
3. Do not have too much fun
Some things should stay in the fantasyland inside your head. If you like golden showers, crossdressing or anything that involves your pet - keep that shit to yourself. Try new things with longtime partners you have a trust space with. You can cause another person serious trauma asking them to stand in the bathroom and watch you take a number two. A great rule of thumb is: If you’ve seen a sexual act performed on a porn site, and one of the people were not English-speaking, don’t ask your fling to try it. If it hasn't trickled down into the sexual lexicon of regular white people, I doubt Lamont wants to experiment with it. He saw your booty in that skirt in the parking lot one day and just wanted to holla - he wasn’t trying to pioneer a new pussy frontier or drive home wondering if he’s gay now.
2. Don’t tell anyone
Part of the beauty of having a one night stand is having an illicit secret inside no one knows. Men, this is not fodder for your homeboys, and women, some shit your bestie shouldn’t know. The only time a one night stand should ever be brought up in your mental rolodex is when you want to masturbate, or when you are getting saved. You can repent, but only to Jesus, not to your BFF.
1. Never bring it up again
If you’re at the club, at work, or in line at Target, and you run into the person with whom you’ve had a one night stand — you “bet not” say a word! Act like you’ve never met the person before. If the other person is unaware of the rules and brings it up, stare blankly into their eyes like you don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. If they are adamant that you know them, ask if he was a member of your now-defunct book club or maybe she was on the usher board at your previous church. That’s the beauty of a one night stand — it is like actually living out a dream. Make them think it must have been a dream
That’s it. If you follow these rules, you’ll be more than prepared to conduct yourself well during your one-time tryst. Remember, one night stands are meant to be sparse, infrequent occasions. If you use this guide as a manual for managing your regular sex life, you’re not having one night stands -
You’re nasty.