Kentucky police are “investigating” a video of a local physician defending his community by wrapping his hands around a teenage girl’s throat in an apparent attempt at teaching her a very valuable lesson about social distancing. While the culprit’s violent reaction may have violated black America’s common-law principle of “worry about your damn self,” police have not confirmed that the man’s alleged actions (which, again, were caught on video) ran afoul of Kentucky law.
WAVE reports that detectives in the Louisville Metro Police Department responded to an incident on Friday after a social distancing justice warrior reportedly attacked an 18-year-old black woman he suspected was disrespecting the request made by Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear and R&B sensation Next, who warned of the dangers of getting “too close” as far back as 1997.
Video footage shows the man and a Caucasian-appearing woman engaged in an argument with a group of girls who were walking along the street in a Louisville subdivision. As the argument escalates, Dr. Stranglelove zeroes in on the lone black girl, who was already on the ground and subsequently performs a lifesaving strangulation technique he apparently learned during his medical training at the Daniel Pantaleo Medical College and Police Academy.
“A couple who was clearly intoxicated and angry approached us while cussing and borderline yelling,” explains one of the bystanders in a now-deleted tweet “The woman shoved her phone in one of the girls’ faces and she knocked it out of the woman’s hands in an attempt to get her away. That is the initial commotions in the back.”
The tweet by the bystander says the couple “were claiming to be physicians” who were criticizing them for being out during the social distancing directive. The videographer, whose steady hand captured the footage instead of helping the black girl, says he has extended footage of him “yelling at the man to stop.” He also credits himself for defusing the situation by doing absolutely nothing despite “being a decent amount bigger than the guy.” (We can safely assume he was white because a black person would have probably described Dr. Childchoker’s behavior as “low-key yelling”).
LMPD’s official report says that the asphyxiation aficionado, “[w]ithout consent, suspect applied pressure to victims throat and impeded her breathing,” which is the technical definition of what is commonly called “choking the shit out of someone.” Baptist Health, a 519-bed hospital in Louisville, confirmed that the Louisville lyncher is an independent contractor who works as a physician at one of its facilities. Although his name was redacted from the police report, savvy Twitter sleuths have discovered that Dr. Nooseknuckles fits the description of an anesthesiologist who the Louisville Courier-Journal reported as working for the same Southern Indiana Anesthesia Consultants (a division of One Anesthesia PLLC), who released this statement on Monday:
SIAC, a division of One Anesthesia PLLC is aware of the incident that occurred in Norton Commons with one of its physicians, who was not on official call or due to report to the hospital in any official capacity. With that said, the partners of SIAC, a division of One Anesthesia PLLC have decided to place the physician that appeared in the video on administrative leave as of April 5th pending further investigation. Our well wishes extend to all parties involved and we will continue to monitor this situation as new information develops.
Wait…he’s an anesthesiologist?
Perhaps this is much ado about nothing. Maybe this long-lost Smothers brother was working from home. He is essentially a professional at putting people to sleep. This might have been part of his continuing education. I hope he doesn’t send her a bill. Everyone knows the medical ethos is to “first do no harm,” but they rarely mention the addendums at the end, which include:
- Unless they’re black
- Or from Tuskegee
- Or just walking down the street and you just don’t like them
- Or all of the above
“For someone to lay their hands on a child, I don’t care who you are or what they did,” Norton Commons resident Chris Shinn told WAVE while casually breathing in oxygen. “We don’t need this here and it’s ridiculous.”
Louisville law enforcement officials have not yet charged the Caucasian boa constrictor with a crime but officers have opened up one of those typically “thorough investigations” that happens when white people do something on video that may be illegal.
LMPD spokesperson Jessie Holiday, whose breathing passages were clearly unobstructed, suggested that citizens concerned about social distancing should politely say: “Hey guys, you should be social distancing,” instead of performing a live, one-on-one demonstration of the breathing difficulties that COVID-19 may present.
“Obviously, we do not advise individuals concerned about social distancing to take matters into their own hands and confront people about it, especially in any physical way, the LMPD said in a statement. “We ask people who are concerned about large gatherings to call 311 or 911 to report their concerns.”
Basically, they believe calling the police on black people is a much better solution. After all, cops are more likely to have more practice strangling black people than an anesthesiologist.
If you’re gonna get choked, you might as well let a professional do it.