This week's episode kicked off with Sen. Mellie Grant getting caught lying under oath about how long she's known about her husband's affair with Olivia Pope. Then Chandra Wilson (Dr. Miranda Bailey on Grey's Anatomy), who directed the episode, released the emergency brake and let the car careen down the side of the mountain.
Here are 29 times I asked, "Why are you doing me like this, Scandal??"
1. Every time Sally Langston looked directly into the cameras of The Liberty Report and radiated sheer, impish delight as she gleefully narrated the demise of the Grant White House, play by play. Sally was born to throw shade at the highest levels. I thought, “This is what stepping into your calling looks like.” Walk out your purpose, Sally!
2. When Cyrus Beene recommended that Olivia and Fitz Grant get married so that she wouldn't have to testify before the impeachment committee and risk getting sent to prison for lying under oath—aka D.C.'s version of a shotgun wedding.
3. When Jake Ballard found out that his new-old wife, Elise, is not in town to rekindle things with him but instead is there to kill Rowan.
4. When Olivia told Abby Whelan, Huck and Quinn Perkins that they are not allowed to lie under oath, so they threw dead Harrison under the bus because "you can't send a dead guy to jail."
5. When Vice President Susan Ross decided "dis tew much" and told Attorney General David Rosen that she was considering resigning.
6. When Fitz ripped out a page from a textbook called 100 Unoriginal Ways to Propose and handed it to his assistant to pull off one of the least inspired wedding proposals ever.
7. And not even Aretha Franklin's "Ain't No Way" could save that proposal. Olivia told Fitz to get off his knees because, "We're not ready." And Fitz replied, "You aren't ready and you never will be!"
8. And Olivia confirmed for us all that, after multiple seasons of talking about wanting Vermont and jam with Fitz, she may never be ready to be more than his mistress.
9. Then Olivia called up Jake, who still pines for her, and asked him whether she should marry Fitz. Jake hung up in her face. Good for you, Jake. Olivia, why are you trying us??
10. Then Papa Pope told Olivia that if she got him out of prison, he would force the impeachment committee to drop its investigation.
11. So Olivia met Mellie in a tunnel underneath the White House and proposed that Mellie release a prisoner who was locked up in her state because he can help stop the impeachment investigation.
This is when Scandal writers and director Wilson decided to just rip out the emergency brake and chuck it out the window.
12. Mellie learned that the prisoner was Damascus Bainbridge, the big donor who co-opted her in his plan to murder all of David Rosen's jurors last season … and that Damascus Bainbridge is Olivia's father, Eli Pope.
13. And Olivia learned that her father is Damascus Bainbridge.
14. And I thought, "Oooh, wait until Mellie finally learns that Olivia's father killed her son, but I didn't have to wait because OLIVIA TOLD MELLIE THAT HER FATHER KILLED HER SON!
15. And we were waiting for Mellie to finally drop-kick Olivia in her throat. Instead, Mellie broke down and Olivia just left her there in the hallway to digest that pill.
16. Then Olivia woke up the next morning, put on Fitz's engagement ring and said, "OK … No wedding dress. No flowers. And no vows." And just like that, Olivia and Fitz had the saddest engagement in engagement history.
17. Then Olivia called Jake to tell him about it because she has no home training. And Jake decided that he’s skipping town with Elise on a 3 p.m. train from Union Station.
18. Then Mellie told Fitz that if she had never met him, "I wouldn't have wasted 20 years propping you up, making you feel OK about your pathetic mediocrity. … My life would have meant something if it wasn't for you!" Yesss, Mellie, yesss!
19. Then David Rosen and Susan Ross got wine cooler wasted, and he convinced Susan to stay in the White House because, if Fitz is forced to resign, she'll be a better president than he is.
20. Then Olivia and Fitz set up some sad administrative procedure that vaguely resembled a wedding, and Olivia's new Secret Service handler explained to her that, going forward, two officers would have to be inside the bathroom stall with her every time she peed.
21. But then Mellie called, and the next time we saw Olivia, she was back in the underground hallway and she had replaced her white wedding suit with a baaad black coat.
22. And she sent Abby to return her engagement ring to Fitz because Olivia is TRYING US ALL!
23. Meanwhile, Jake went to meet Elise at Union Station, but he found her corpse instead!
24. And each member of the impeachment committee received a folder containing incriminating evidence from their past, so they dropped the investigation!
25. Olivia met Mellie in the basement corridor, and Mellie shared a revelation: "You are not my enemy. You are my freedom … you're going to make me the president of the United States." It turned out that Mellie got Papa Pope out of prison, and per their agreement, Papa Pope blackmailed the impeachment committee. So, basically, Mellie saved Olivia from having to marry Fitz. (Isn't that nuts??) And now Olivia owes Mellie.
26. YES! Not only did I predict that Olivia was going to be the one to put Mellie in the White House, but I also predicted a Mellie-Olivia ticket! Yep. You heard it here first.
27. Then Papa Pope strolled down the corridor … with former Secret Service spy Tom, who apparently helped Rowan/Eli/Papa Pope get out of prison.
28. Then Mama Pope strolled down the hallway from the opposite direction …
29. … And she was holding Cyrus' daughter by the hand.
OK, I made up those last two, but this episode reminded us that anything is possible in ShondaLand.
Akilah Green is a recovering Washington, D.C., lawyer-lobbyist-politico turned TV and film writer and producer living in Los Angeles. She currently works for Chelsea Handler’s Netflix talk show, Chelsea. She has also worked as a staff writer for Kevin Hart’s production company, HartBeat Productions, and as a consultant for Real Time With Bill Maher on HBO. In addition, she co-wrote and is producing Scratch, an indie horror-comedy feature film, and is a regular contributor to The Root. Follow Green’s adventures in La La Land on her blog, Twitter and Facebook.