Roger Stone, the informal adviser to President Donald Trump, was arrested Friday morning in his Florida home and charged in special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation with one count of obstruction, five counts of making false statements, and one count of witness tampering.
From Vanity Fair:
Stone’s alleged crimes stem from his contacts with WikiLeaks, which during the 2016 race released stolen e-mails from the Democratic National Committee and the Hillary Clinton campaign. According to a January 24 indictment unsealed after his arrest Friday, Stone appeared to act as a kind of liaison between “Organization 1”—widely understood to be WikiLeaks—and the Trump campaign, discussing with senior officials “information [WikiLeaks] might have had that would be damaging to the Clinton Campaign.”
He was also instructed “by senior Trump Campaign officials to inquire about future releases” by WikiLeaks, according to the special counsel. Stone, the indictment continues, subsequently sought to impede federal investigations into the matter, lying about his interactions with WikiLeaks and about evidence of those interactions, and attempting to “persuade a witness to provide false testimony to and withhold pertinent information from the investigations.”
So it’s pretty clear that unless Stone asks for a pack of cigarettes and a cup of coffee (the universal sign of cooperating with feds) he’s going to jail.
Below are interesting tidbits about Stone that may help him during his time in the pookie:
1. His name.
Roger Stone is really a porn name, but that could help him in the pen. While the Roger part isn’t doing him any favors, Stone sounds tough. He should play this up while doing time. Maybe even just shorten his name to “Stone.” Roger will be braiding inmates hair; Stone, however, will be running scams to fleece inmates from their commissary.
He should drop in a conversation that he was called “The Godfather” and “The Prince of Darkness”....of the Republican Party.
2. Stone has a back tattoo.
I know what you are thinking, and you are right, the placement of Stone’s back tattoo isn’t really the most manly spot for a tattoo and it doesn’t help that his back tattoo is of another man’s face. It will help that the man is a gangster and the only sitting president to have to bounce from office (current company excluded), Richard Nixon.
Yes, Stone has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his upper back. Inmates respect ink. Maybe not this ink, but at least he’s got some ink that shows he’s not some loser lowlife GOP operative who wades in the cesspool of dirty politics. Scratch that—he’s totally a loser lowlife GOP operative who wades in the cesspool of dirty politics, and that’s a good thing because he’s going to prison.
3. Stone buys from the Steve Harvey suit collection.
Unless Stone is housed with pimps, he doesn’t need to mention he used to get his suits custom-made. Inmates won’t appreciate that, plus knowing that he had enough cash to get custom-made suits will make him a target. The plus for Stone is that his custom-made suits look a lot like Steve Harvey’s collection of suits. Stone needs to play up this fact.
Look at these pinstripes...
...and this tan foolishness:
...and these wide legs with the Louis Vuitton satchel:
Stone also needs to say he wore gators.
4. Stone is a dropout.
More than 80 percent of the incarcerated population are high school dropouts. Stone dropped out of George Washington University at 19. I know being a high school dropout and a college dropout aren’t remotely the same, but technically, Stone dropped out and he doesn’t have to say from where. He just needs to note that he wasn’t with all of that “school fuckshit, so I bounced.”
5. Stone is ‘friends’ with Chad ‘Ocho Cinco’ Johnson
Is Roger Stone really friends with Chad Johnson? Probably not, but the two are neighbors considering that Johnson dropped this little tidbit on Twitter early Friday morning.
While the two men probably barely exchanged pleasantries, Stone needs to find a way to casually drop this into every conversation he can.
Inmate: Is this your Cheese-Wiz?
Stone: Funny you should ask as that’s exactly what my apple-scrap, my woe, my cuzo, Ocho used to call me when we would go buy snacks and shit on our way to watch movies in his house.
6. Don’t make Stone ‘have to cut a bitch.’
Look, Roger Stone is rail thin, so he’s going to need a catchphrase or something that says “Roger Stone ain’t to be fucked with.” I don’t think Stone touting that he once worked for the Nixon campaign is going to do that. He’s going to have to come in hard with a go-to phrase like a WWE-wrestler. First, he should always refer to himself in the third person, that way he can serve as his own hype man. Also, he should add a “big” to his name when doing this.
Ex. “Big Stone ain’t here for the fuck shit!”
Stone should have no problem with any of this, considering he’s spent almost a quarter of his life around some of the best presidential liars of his time.