In case you’ve been living under a rock, simply don’t care, or don’t like to involve yourself with messy drama and stunt queens, then this is everything you need to know about the possible war with Iran, why Trump did what he did, and why we all are about to die. Sike, we aren’t going to die because this fight is above us now. So because you don’t want to look like you’re the black person who was laughing at World War III memes over the weekend, below is a full recap of the war that President Trump is trying to get America into to take the focus off his obvious impeachment proceedings.
Trump Just Killed This Bama
Out of nowhere on a Thursday, in which most of our shows are still on winter hiatus, Trump just up and decided to drone strike the fuck out the top Iranian general, Qassem Soleimani, who was driving with his friends to Halal-fil-a. He had no idea that he wasn’t going to get his No. 1 with Polynesian sauce because he’s been living like this every Thursday under both the Bush and Obama administrations. Both former presidents could have rocked this bama, but they knew it wasn’t a good look for the country, considering Iran is always down with the dumb shit. Iran is the dude at the party who lets everyone know if anything pops off he’s got that hammer with him. Iran is dude at the party that someone has in the corner going, “Chill, Iran, he didn’t mean it like that.”
It’s not that Iran is crazy, it’s that it’s always easier to leave Iran alone than to find out how hard they are willing to go. Trump has decided to fuck with Iran and not just fuck with them, he chose the most extreme option on a buffet of possibilities presented to him. According to the New York Times, in an attempt to make the other options seem more palatable, the Pentagon offered a killing option—the extremest measure—just to push the other options to the forefront. Trump choose the killing option. Even “Pentagon officials were stunned,” reports the Times.
Trump Doesn’t Know Congress’ Number by Heart
Not only did Trump decide to bomb Soleimani and his crew (six others were killed in the attack), but he did so without talking to Congress, although Trump’s favorite pelvic-toupee, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, was notified because he’s fighting to become Trump’s bestie. Trump doesn’t legally have to confer with Congress but it would be nice to give Congress a heads up that he’s going to bomb Iran on a Thursday when How to Get Away With Murder is still on hiatus. Past presidents have consulted the “Gang of Eight,” which is eight leaders from both sides of the aisle, but Trump said fuck all that and did what he wanted.
Hey, Congress. Y’all Remember Qassem Soleimani?
After Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the Toby Flenderson to Trump’s Michael Scott, called Trump out for bypassing Congress on his decision to get all of white America into a war with Iran, the White House issued a formal notice on Saturday, which read “I hope this letter finds you in good health. We rocked that bama.” Seriously, the note is mad secret but Trump reportedly defended his decision to kill Soleimani and let Congress know officially two days after he was dead.
And Y’all Better Not Do Shit!
So Trump kills a high ranking Iranian general without even sending a DM to Congress then tells Iran that they better not even think about retaliating. And because Trump is either brazen or stupid or just a white man, he tweets that he’s ready to commit some war crimes because he doesn’t give AF!
From the Washington Post:
Trump projected a wartime posture as he wrapped up his holiday vacation here [West Palm Beach, Florida], reiterating that if Iran took military action against the United States he may order attacks on Iranian cultural sites, which could constitute a war crime under international law. He vowed on Twitter to “quickly & fully strike back, & perhaps in a disproportionate manner.”
Annnddd because Trump wasn’t done, he decided that he should also tweet-threaten the fuck out of Iraq for good measure.
He countered the Iraqi parliament’s move Sunday to try to expel foreign troops, including U.S. forces, by telling reporters that he would respond by imposing “very big sanctions” on the nation and demanding that Iraq reimburse the United States for the billions of dollars it had invested in a major air base there.
This Part Isn’t Trump’s Fault
Congress doesn’t follow the president on Twitter and their DMs aren’t open so what else is the president supposed to do besides sending a tweet addressing Congress that we are going to war with Iran should they retaliate (which, by definition, means to respond to some shit that has been done to them)?
Trump is almost finished with his historic feat of being the first president to tweet us into World War III.