I don’t pride myself on a lot of things, but aside from my mutant ability to consume an extraordinarily high volume of crab legs, I genuinely try to be kind.
I say “please” and “thank you” when applicable; I ask waiters, “How are you doing today?,” I don’t cuss out cashiers when they’re stingy with oxtails or extra napkins, and I always made it a point to rewind my movies prior to returning them to Blockbuster. Because I’m a fucking nice guy.
If rent wasn’t so damn high and my child wasn’t so expensive, I’d probably do things like stuff $100 bills into people’s windshields, or stick my head into Chipotle and yell, “Extra guac for everyone! On me!” But since I’m poor, I just play my position and stick to opening the door for the racist white women.
You’re welcome.
NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal has money that’s just a little bit longer than mine, so when he decides to be kind, he does shit like stroll into an Atlanta-area Zales and pays off random people’s engagement rings. And according to USA Today, he did exactly that in a viral video that’s set social media ablaze.
If you’re like me and wondering how in the hell Shaq just strolls into a Zales and decides to make it rain engagement rings, he explained why he’s going to Heaven (and you’re not) during a segment on NBA on TNT.
“So I was in Zales, looking for some loop earrings and I seen the guy come in and he was just so shy,” Shaq said. “He was saying, ‘Hey, how much do I owe to pay off my ring?’ So I said, ‘My man, how much is the ring?’ I’m not going to say the amount, but it’s not much for me.”
So Shaq did what Shaq does: He paid that shit off, because it ain’t trickin’ if you got it.
“At first, he didn’t want to take it,” Shaq continued. “He was like, ‘Man, I can’t do that.’ I said, ‘Don’t worry about it. I do it all the time.’ I’m just trying to make people smile, that’s all.”
If Shaq wants to make me smile, he’s more than welcome to take this rent off my hands. And while I’m keeping my son, feel free to pay for his ass, too. Oh, and can I get a couple of new suits? And one of those alkaline purification systems too, because this Los Angles water is dirty as shit.
All jokes aside, these are the type of stories we love to hear because it always pays to be kind. Shout out to the Big Aristotle for being a blessing.