1. If at a cookout, what's the most important question you can ask?
A) Is the meat ready yet?
B) Who made the potato salad?
C) You were supposed to bring the foil. Why do you never remember to bring the foil?
2. Have you seen 12 Years a Slave yet?
A) Yeah, I saw it when it was in the theater.
B) No, and I have no plans to either.
C) I keep trying to — it's on HBO now — but I know I'd have to call off of work that week because I'd be too angry at White people to do my job, so I'll probably just wait till Christmas break in 2017 or something when I have enough PTO days.
3. Which year was the best year for light skinned Black men?
A) 1988
B) 2016
C) Whichever year it was that Shemar Moore had the cornrow wig in Diary of a Mad Black Woman
4. If you happen to see an attractive Black woman and you want to get her phone number, what's the best way to approach her?
A) Say "Hi."
B) Tell her you're new in town, and you're trying to find out where to "brunch." (Not "go to brunch." Just "brunch.")
C) Be Idris Elba, and don't be anyone other than Idris Elba.
5. What do you do when the Wobble comes on?
A) Sit or take the opportunity to get a drink.
B) Wobble, of course!
C) I don't know. I rarely hear that song when I go out.
6. Nigerian weddings are…
A) Literally the best time you will ever have, especially if you're not Nigerian and this is your first Nigerian wedding.
B) Cool, I guess? I wouldn't know. I've never been to one.
C) Why I won't marry a Nigerian.
7. Do you have a niece who can sing better than Rihanna?
A) Yes
B) This is kind of a trick question, because I'm assuming everyone has a niece who can sing better than Rihanna.
8. You have a Facebook account, but you've given serious thought to shutting it down because…
A) Everyone's on Twitter and Instagram now.
B) My cousins keep posting stuff from The News Nerd and telling everyone it's real, and I keep getting mad when all their internet-challenged friends believe them.
C) I really only use it to stalk exes.
9. How many scented candles are currently in your place of residence?
A) A couple, maybe
B) 12 to 24
C) Over 25
10. Have you ever purchased clothes, DVDs, mixtapes, appliances, home owners insurance, or pornography while at the hair salon or barbershop?
A) Yes
B) No
Answer key: B, C, B, A, B, A, B, B, C, A
Results: 10 — You are Marcus Garvey playing dominoes with Audre Lourde in Compton. You cannot possibly be any more Black.
7-9 — You're in the perfect Blackness sweet spot. Black enough to never have it questioned, but not so Black that your Blackness makes less Black Blacks insecure. Basically, you're Don Cheadle.
4-6 — Still safe, but you should probably learn how to Wobble.
3 or below — How did you even find this quiz?