I spent three hours yesterday getting poked, prodded, stabbed and analyzed, all in the name of good health, by a pair of docs. (Paradox?)
Suggested Reading
I had my annual physical with Dr. Bean, and that includes a full blood exam. My blood pressure was 124/78, and I understand thatโs not bad. (I choose not to learn more about blood pressure because Iโm determined to never have a problem with it.) I suspect Iโm anemic, and am curious about my cholesterol and overall blood health. I should have the answers in a week.
It was nice to see Dr. Bean again, and to fill him in on my progress thus far, probably because heโs one of the precious few Iโve really opened up to.ย Geez, I feel like a little kid. I want to make him to be proud. How weird is that?
Because of the blood work, I hadnโt eaten anything since around 7:30 the night before. I was out of Beanโs office by noon, and was due at my therapistโs at 12:15. I was in west Raleigh, and Tanzaโs near downtown, but I donโt know the streets well enough to have figured out a shortcut, and arrived about five minutes late.
It had been so long since Iโve been in her office, I found myself almost breathless just 10 minutes into the session. Iโm not really much a talker and not used to a captive audience, but there I was, chattering away, trying to make up for lost time. And yet it wasnโt until the end of our 45-minute session that I brought up the one thing that troubled me most. Her response: Check out The Self-Esteem Workbook by Schiraldi.
For newcomers: At the heart of my issues is anxiety. I donโt fully understand why, but it has myriad manifestations, and Iโm in therapy to see them for what they are.
As for the incident, Tanza says it has to do with self-esteem. I wonโt pretend to fully understand what that is, other than having something to do with thinking as highly of yourself as you do others. Holding oneself in high regard. Being worthy of happiness in life.
Sounds simple enough: Be happy.
I believe Iโm happy. Reasonably content. Life is actually pretty darned good. But because of how I felt about myself regarding the incident, Tanza believes I have a self-esteem issue. And because Iโm yielding to the professionals, Iโll go along with that. For now โฆ
Hereโs what happened: Two days before, I told Someone Who Shall Remain Nameless about some intensely hurtful words sheโd used against me. Because of her role in my life, it took me a week for me to challenge her comments, and told her as much. Which I immediately regretted. First, there was denial. Next, incredulity. Finally, dismissal: โLeslie, just put that out of your mind.โ
Yes, I stood up for myself. No, I didnโt think it was worth it. ย After a lifetime of flinging about words so sharp they can shred a soul, whatโs a few more? The aim is true. The scars, permanent.
But whatโs changing is me. I can cross swords with the best of them and inflict a lot of pain with my own words, but youโll agree that itโs the people closest to us who seem to do the most damage to our psyche.
So why did I regret my action? Tanza said it has to do with my self-esteem. Thing is, most who say they know me would disagree. Iโm outgoing, theyโd say. Confident. Friendly. Caring. I truly am those things. Mostly. Part of it is a faรงade; a false front, like one of those temporary cement walls around a construction site. Itโs there to protect you from being harmed by the work going on the other side.
And vice versa.
So Iโll pat myself on the back for delivering a measured response to some highly toxic words, instead of just swallowing them as before (usually with a pint of ice cream). And Iโll order the self-esteem book, even though Iโm not fully convinced itโs what I need. Of course, if I could accurately diagnose what I do need, maybe I wouldnโt be less than 20 lbs. shy of 300.
Iโm looking forward to the results of my blood work โ cholesterol, minerals, whether Iโm anemic or have cooties, so I know what Iโm working with, and what I need to work on.
Many of you said youโre embarking on this weight-loss quest with me. If so, I highly recommend you regularly consult with a physician and a therapist, too.
"Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." ~ Les Brown
Leslie J. Ansley is an award-winning journalist and entrepreneur who blogs daily for TheRoot. She lives in Raleigh, NC.
Straight From
Sign up for our free daily newsletter.