Dear Demetria:
I approached my boyfriend about why he’s always texting my best friend. He stated that they are “friends” and they connect well when talking and he or she will hit up each other. I told him that’s my friend, though; why does she always hit him up and barely talk to me now? He said that it is silly for me to see it that way because we meet different people through others and she also goes out with one of his close guy friends, so I’m not the only link to her. But it’s weird to me ’cause that’s my boyfriend.
I was friends with her boyfriend before they dated, and since he’s been with my best friend, he doesn’t text and we don't hang anymore unless it’s with my best friend. I get it; you date my friend now. So I just feel weird how now my BFF is constantly talking to my boyfriend. My boyfriend stated that my approaching her with this will change the dynamic of something innocent and turn texts that mean nothing into something. I don’t like this “friendship,” but am I overreacting? —Anonymous
You’re in denial. It’s what many people, not just women, do when they know something is really wrong but are afraid to address it because that means making some major life changes. It’s easier to believe your boyfriend’s version of events than to use your common sense, because that would mean that you recognize that two people you really care about have betrayed you, at worst. And at best, they care more about each other than they do you. Understandably, that would hurt.
But you have to open your eyes, hon. Your bestie and your man are in a relationship, and she’s his main chick. They just haven’t told you yet. There is no reason they should be texting and calling each other constantly or, really, at all. There are a couple of reasons that your bestie is not speaking to you anymore: 1) Your boyfriend is her best friend now, and 2) She feels guilty about what she’s doing to you, which in no way excuses her behavior.
As for your boyfriend, he’s feeding you a bunch of b.s. I don’t even know how he justifies this with a straight face. His relationship with your best friend is disrespectful to your relationship, and it’s disrespectful to his friendship with his male friend. And in case he is genuinely, completely clueless about this, you’ve informed him that it’s inappropriate and he continues to carry on with your best friend.
He’s chosen his relationship with your bestie over his relationship with you. He’s also probably lying to your best friend about his relationship with you and may even be lying to her about things you’ve said about her. There’s a reason he doesn’t want you to bring up your issues with her to her.
Let me tell you how I engage with the male significant others of my female friends: It’s about how you behave with your friend’s boyfriends. There are respectful boundaries in place. I don’t talk to my friends’ significant others unless my friend is involved somehow. When I see the guys at events, we laugh and joke and talk with no problem. I like a lot of the guys. But calling them up just to chitchat and kick it? No. I get a call when someone is planning a birthday event or looking for an engagement ring, or when they screw up and they need help making up with their lady.
I’ve gotten one “Let’s chat for no reason” call. My friend’s husband called me to invite me to an event where he was being celebrated and his wife would be present. Fair enough. But then he went on to chat about random stuff, asking me questions about myself. He didn’t say anything inappropriate, but it was just weird that he was being all chummy when we’re not close. And I didn’t have a desire to be so.
As soon as we hung up—because I rushed him off the phone—I shot my girl an email letting her know that her husband called and he invited me to the event. I wanted to make sure that she knew her husband was calling around to her friends, and to make sure everything was transparent, in case the story of our conversation ever came up and she was unaware. I thought that might look shady. Turns out she had given him my number. Awesome.
As for you, tell your best friend and your boyfriend that you’ve given it some thought, and since they’ve chosen to carry on with each other knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, you’ve realized that you don’t trust either of them and have decided that you don’t want to be bothered with them anymore. Free yourself up to get a new best friend who respects and cherishes your friendship, and a new boyfriend who will act like he has some sense.
Demetria Lucas D’Oyley is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love as well as A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. She is also a blogger at SeeSomeWorld.com, where she covers pop culture and travel. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
Previously in Ask Demetria: “My Husband Wets the Bed After Getting Sloppy Drunk and I Don’t Know What to Do”