When it comes to public displays of privilege, perhaps there are no two greater examples of the entitlement that accompanies whiteness than Melania and Ivanka Trump. They are hailed as accomplished, successful icons of feminism and flawless beauty based solely on their achievements in the lucrative field of being related to Donald Trump.
If “Becky” were added to the Oxford English Dictionary, Melania and Ivanka would be better examples than even Taylor Swift or Tomi Lahren. They are rich, they are oblivious and—even though they have coasted to their positions based on nothing more than money and chance—both seem to believe that the pedestal on which they are perched is actually a first-place podium for their accomplishments.
But which one is the Beckiest?
Instead of conjecture and opinion, The Root decided to use our proprietary scientific algorithm based on Beckynometry, the mathematical study of white women, to finally determine which is the greater of the two Trump Beckys.
Privilege
Ivanka Trump: Ivanka was born with a gold-plated, diamond-encrusted spoon in her mouth. As a trust fund baby of a trust fund baby, she was birthed into privilege. She attended an exclusive boarding school, and when she finished, she somehow managed to get into one of the top universities in the country—Wharton. Sure, it was her father’s alma mater, but I’m sure that had nothing everything to do with it.
As a student, Ivanka modeled in the fashion industry after she was discovered by another fashion model, coincidentally named Ivana Trump. After she graduated from college, Ivanka’s purchased education and zero years of experience as a real estate executive got her a job as a vice president with the Trump Organization.
Melania Trump: Unlike Ivanka, Melania grew up from humble beginnings in Slovenia and began modeling at an early age. Evidence suggests that the Slovenian model was working in the U.S. as an undocumented immigrant when she met her future husband, Donald Trump.
Two years after meeting Trump, Melania was granted an EB-1 visa, reserved for people with “extraordinary abilities.” Called the “Einstein visa,” it seems to have been awarded to the college dropout because of preferential treatment, although critics rarely point out Melania’s nomination for the little-known Nobel Prize for White Women.
Category winner: Ivanka Trump. Ivanka wins because her privilege was given to her at birth. While some might point out that Melania’s privilege derives from marriage, we can’t forget that every night, she has to sleep in the bed with an orange blob who I assume smells like fried chicken and racism.
Beauty
Ivanka Trump: She looks like a white woman.
Melania Trump: She looks like a white woman.
Category winner: Tie. I defer to Donald. He seems to hold an equal sexual attraction for both women.
Business Acumen
Ivanka Trump: Ivanka eventually used her experience in the real estate sector to start a line of fine jewelry. She secured the deal when one of her father’s real estate clients—a diamond manufacturer—realized that they could benefit from her expertise in staring at shiny things and allowed her to create a line of jewelry.
She eventually parlayed her jewelry business into a line of clothing, shoes and handbags. Instead of studying the fashion industry and learning about design, Ivanka used a novel approach: She allegedly stole other people’s designs and called them her own, according to multiple reports. Even though many of her products were made outside of the U.S., couldn’t pass safety inspections and performed poorly, she is still considered a role model for women in business, according to a book she wrote herself.
Melania Trump: Like Ivanka, Melania is also considered to be a feminist icon and a business mogul. She earns her money the old-fashioned way: by being married to a rich white man.
Her line of jewelry on QVC earned a lot of money after it was advertised on the White House website, which was totally legal depending on how you define the word “legal.” (If you define it as “things that are not against the law,” then I retract my previous statement.)
She also earned between $100,000 and $1 million in royalties from Getty Images last year from licensed images of her as first lady. Melania’s skin-care line never got off the ground because she couldn’t figure out how to fit her plastic surgeon in a jar.
Category winner: Ivanka wins because, like most Beckys, neither woman has accomplished anything on her own. But Ivanka found a way to write a whole book about it, which is peak Becky.
Trump-Administration Activity
Ivanka Trump: Despite having no government experience, Ivanka was selected for a role as a senior adviser at the White House. As her father’s administration criticized Hillary Clinton for using personal emails, Ivanka used a personal email for government work.
While she says she expects no favoritism, the secretary of Beckying clutched her pearls when asked about her father’s infidelity. Her expert negotiations with China led to her receiving patents for her brand, an exemption for Chinese company ZTE and America becoming embroiled in a trade war.
Melania Trump: Melania’s greatest moment in Beckying came when she said she wrote a speech all by herself ... until it was discovered that the speech was plagiarized from Michelle Obama. She created the “Be Best” campaign all by herself, despite the fact that no one knows what it means. She also tried to make collard greens.
The first lady has also chosen bullying as her social justice platform, which is one of the most unabashed Becky moves of all time, considering that one of the biggest bullies in the world sleeps next to her at night. On Thursday she donned a jacket emblazoned with the words “I don’t care, do you?” while visiting immigrant children in internment camps.
Category winner: Melania. The jacket did it for me. To be fair, I don’t see anything wrong with her wearing her Becky Phi Becky sorority jacket. That phrase on the back was her line name, right?
Overall Winner
Using our scientific method, we have tabulated the results and announced that the Beckiest Becky in the Trump family is (drumroll, please ... )
Ivanka Trump.
May the lord of Beckys (Carolyn Bryant) be with you all.
Amen.