Whenever I am the victim of a property crime, the first thing I want to do is whip someone’s ass. If the police called me right now and told me they’d recovered my brand-new MacBook Pro that someone in Southwest Airlines’ baggage department stole from my bag a year ago, and gave me the choice between punching the thief in the mouth and getting my laptop back, I’d think long and hard. (Don’t you dare say “That’s what she said.”)
According to a report by the Clarion Ledger, former Jackson, Miss., Mayor Tony Yarber recently lived out my knuckle-sandwich-delivering fantasy. A video of Yarber paddling a would-be thief is making the rounds on the internet, proving once and for all that the answer to all the ills of the world could be solved with “Deez hands.”
Yarber was home when his wife noticed two men hanging outside their family home in a running car. When Yarber went outside, he saw 22-year-old Juwan Bibbs trying to break into his car. Yarber kicked the car door closed, and the would-be thief bolted to a hiding place near Yarber’s garage.
When the ex-principal caught up with Bibbs, he dragged the intruder on into the garage as one of Yarber’s sons grabbed the camera and began recording. Yarber told the Clarion Ledger that Bibbs pleaded with the homeowner not to kill him for running into Yarber’s house. Bibbs said that he had a 2-month-old son, but Yarber wasn’t trying to hear that, reminding Bibbs that Yarber’s kids were also in the house.
Luckily, as a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, Yarber had a paddle lying around in his garage. Yarber sat on top of Bibbs and proceeded to ... umm ... please don’t judge me for using this cliché, but it is actually the perfect simile in this instance:
Yarber whipped that dude like he stole something.
Yarber said that Bibbs reminded him of someone who attended his church, so he delivered a butt whipping reminiscent of what my mama used to do (not to me, of course; I was an excellent son)—with the simultaneous talking and everything:
“When you break in people’s stuff, it’s because somebody ain’t whooped your tail,” he said as he hand-delivered his gourmet spanking. Bibbs can be heard apologizing, but unlike me, he did not tell Yarber, “I ain’t gonna do it no more.”
The police eventually arrested Bibbs and charged him with auto burglary and possession of marijuana. Police later discovered that when Yarber tried to apprehend Bibbs, he jostled Bibbs’ gun loose, leaving it on the ground near the car. This is why you shouldn’t try this at home.
But here’s the question: Was Tony Yarber perpetuating violence? Should this be considered an act of vigilante justice? Was he taking the law into his own hands?
Who cares? The only thing Yarber did wrong was that he didn’t make Bibbs clean that garage (it is pretty nasty). But this is all about Yarber catching a thief and a thief catching the most important life lesson of all:
The hands.
Read more at the Clarion Ledger.