As we've gotten further into the splendiferous world of LHH Hollywood, a few trends have emerged. I'm lying. It's the same shit on a different day. Such brings us to episode 3. And like any good show begins, we start with the Chroni-WHAT-cles of Ray J da Gawd.
Look, I've acknowledged that I'm here for Ray J and his shenanigans. But don't misunderstand that. Ray is a petty cretin. He is ridiculous beyond measure and is as close to being bitchmade as possible. Not on a regular basis, but he's definitely not a spokesman for "No Bitchassness". Such brings us to Ray doing what Ray does best. After Motown's finest, Teairra Marie (Motown T) tries to put them paws on Ray's girl (who let's be real, deserved it) at Ray's party because of her property that she has yet to get back, Ray decides to do what any bitchmade nigga would do: retaliate.
He takes a box full of her belongings to the tattoo parlor where Teairra is getting her Ray J tattoo "covered" and dumps them on the floor. If Ray didn't do shit like this, there'd be no reason for him to be on anybody's television show, but at the same time, its a shame this nigga does stuff like this. Teairra and Ray are the kind of people who bring out the worst in one another (which might not be hard) so I'm sure when they hear "how low can you go" they both get in the starting blocks to spring towards fucktitude. But Ray was just wrong in this situatoin. She mushed him doe. They need a sponsor.
*rimshot*
Also, later in the episode though, Ray J gets mad at Morgan for NOT specifically saying he was right to be an asshole to Teairra and even questioning her loyalty to the point where he acts a complete ass, knocks a burning hoohak thingamajig on the couch and acts like that shit ain't burning. He literally is ready to fire Morgan for thinking he is in anyway nonsensical for his actions towards Teairra.
In true nigga fashion though, Teairra actually DOES provide good advice to Hazel-E, a woman who legitimately believes that she has something real with a nigga named Yung Berg who again…fuck it…no need to rehash that. Berg doesn't give any fucks about Hazel and her platinum blond box, but she either don't know, don't show, or just doesn't care about the common sense floating above her. Motown T has consistently been pulling the Pot calling the kettle Black card, but she ain't wrong and she and E beef at the studio where Hazel E gives what might be THE most bird ass speech of all time.
I wish I could remember. Actually, no I don't. Because if I could then it means it resonated and that would be sad. Hazel can't be incepting my mind like that. The gist of it was…
"I'm his bitch. I hold him down. He knows how much I love him because I'm his bitch. This is enough to justify me staying around while he got the club going up…on a Tuesday."
To be clear, Yung Berg does not have the club going up on a Tuesday. He has not had the club going up on a Tuesday or any other day since 2008. I can't help but wonder if she will look back at this footage 5 years from now while she's on her 15-minute break from her job at Verizon and question what the fuck she was thinking. She seems like she has some common sense at times, but it just doesn't seem to kick in when dealing with Yung NoHitta. Amazingly, this nigga has a Wikipedia discography page. I'm amazed by this. I also haz questions. How is this nigga the lead artists in music videos for songs that aren't his? They really need to stop letting just anybody edit Wikipedia pages.
Let's move on to greener pastures. Lil Fizz (who I'm becoming a fan of), his boo Amanda, Apryl and Omarion sit down for dinner where they talk about Fizz's crazy ass ex/deadbeat(?) baby momma, Moniece. I will talk more about Moniece in a bit because of course I will. Fizz explains why Amanda meeting up with her was a bad idea when he explicitly expressed to her that he felt she shouldn't. They talk about her, Apryl (Moniece's friend) acknowledges that she's crazy but stays out of bashing her friend and that was real nice of her. When they do the cut away to Apryl talking about the table talk, she credits Moniece for not resorting to violence in that convo. Do you know how ridiculous you have to be when you get credit for NOT being violent.
That's real nigga shit right there. Anyway, Fizz decides that he has to have a convo with Moniece to check her on that shit because she should not be talking to his girl like that. So they meet at the studio where Fizz goes into full adult mode and discusses with her how she needs to step up as a parent and as a mother. This nigga is giving a clinic on responsible parenting when the rainbow isn't enough. He has all the sense it seems and has suggestions and solutions. She on the other hand doens't seem too keen to be that involved in her son's life. She comes across to me as somebody who doesn't want the job, but doesn't want you to know that she doesn't want the job. So she talks a good game but when its time to show and prove she's like naw….bitch I said naw. She's so concerned with niggas respecting her title as mommy, she forgets to be willing to actually do that shit it seems.
Again…this is how it seems. Either way, never in a thousand years did I think I'd utter the words, "you know what, I kind of fuck with this nigga Lil Fizz." I'm going to talk to my therapist about it later this week. Still though, I think I'd holler at Moniece she is bad as hell. I will also talk to my therapist about that this week.
And of course we have our Omarion/Apryl/Omarion's momma situation. Omari's momma is, how would Ving Rhames say it, having a reverse Oedipus complex. She really thinks that she should be a priority over his pregnant woman, like Omarion is her #bae.
She needs to have a big ass "Or Nah?" stamped across the screen anytime she's on it. She is primed to try to make him choose between she and Apryl and momma finna lose. Partly because she's ridiculous, partly because he's clearly done everything he can for her ungrateful ass. It mostly seems like she's upset that the faucet has been turned off forgetting that Omarion's greatest succcesses came over 10 years ago when he was neither writing, producing, or composing his output. While I'm sure he had some show money, he clearly ain't ballin' like he got a block. He has not seen it all. He's doing his best. I hate to say it, but I see momma gettin' the boot eventually which sucks, but there ain't no sunshine when she's gone. What does that have to do with anything?
Nothing.
Moving on. Mally Mall, Masika, and Nikki are still here. I dont care and neither do you.
Yo, quickly…Nia aka Chin Music is annoying as shit, b. She gets mad that a nigga that refers to himself as Soulja Boy, whose entire life is an exercise in turn up, was surprised by his friends with a party during the day time because she also had surprise plans but they beat her to them on his birthday. She's mad at him for not wanting to do the family thing…ON HIS BIRTHDAY. This nigga is 24 and absolutely on one at all times. But birthdays? Come on…I dont have much more here, but she's annoying at this point. #standwithsoulja
Then we have the end of the Motown T and Hazel union as Hazel can't take T's self-centeredness. She only cares about her relationship with Ray and nobody else. So she moves out of their apartment that T never lives in in what seems like 28 seconds flat. They don't move the former President out of the White House that fast. Teairra rolls up in her likely state-mandated Uber (she had that DUI issue and is clearly a drunk, a theme that came up a few times) and her and Hazel beef.
Next week? Berg nigs out. I'm so excited. And I just can't hide it.