In what can only be described as the best thing to happen to Monday nights since the introduction of Monday Night Football, the next installment in Black excellence debuted (on TV at least, it's been available online for days) on VH1. Yes, Love & Hip Hop has returned and this time we're coming live and direct from Hollywood, Los Angeles, California.
Not for nothing, when I think Hollywood, I think celebrities, yet in LHH fashion, we've scratched the bottom of the barrel of celebrity here, but the pinnacle of fuckery at the same damn time. Let's start with the casting here. We've got Ray J Da Gawd who was MADE for this reality television life. He brings so much to the table that I'm inclined to call him "The Table". He's got an overinflated sense of self AND people who still believe in him THUS justifying his overinflated sense of self. The Table has women. Like, bad ones. They are all 10 crazy, but hot. I mean, he is having a launch party for a website that I'm not sure ever launched and according to his pubilicist, invited every woman he's fucked to it. Except for Kim K. Because, well. Ya know. And speaking of The Table's women, Teairra Marie is one of them. You may remember her from…hmmm…that one song from way back when. She bad though. But she's also from Detroit. You see where I'm going here.
This chick is EPIC level crazy. Yo…she got Ray J's name tatted on her. Much like the unanimous choice for LHH Ladies Mt. Rushmore, Joseline Hernandez, she goes from 0 to 100 nigga real quick. She has all the emotions. She's got them hands and isn't afraid to use them. She is also likely to blame all of her crazy on Ray J, but we all know the trufs. Also she has THE dumbest and most confusing living situation ever with her "rapper" roommate Hazel E, who I don't think she actually lives with or something. I have to watch this shit again to understand the astrophysics level shit that happened in her living situation explanation. She got a sponsor for real. See what I did there? Heheheh.
We got Soulja Boy and Teddy Riley's daughter dating. Not much here yet but I can see the possibilities. Motherfucking Lil Fizz is on here of B2K fame but in an odd twist has custody of his son because his baby mama…
….she is the woman I fear y'all. For one her name is Moniece. It's highly unlikely I'll ever meet another woman named Moniece which is good, because if I did, I'm running. She is bad. She's articulate. She seems like she reads books about upliftment and biographies. But yo. Yo.
Seriously, b. Yo.
She's nuckin' futs. She has that "I will put them paws on you" kind of crazy look in her eye…innately. It's just there. She slangs erotic toys for a living and couch hops because she's the type to always have a "situation". I can see myself meeting this type of woman, falling for her, then regretting it almost immediately. All men should be watching LHH Hollywood just to take notes on Moniece and Teairra Marie. They are out there lurking ready to change your life. For the worse.
Then we have Omarion. I have a confession to make here. I'm an Omarion fan. His albums were dope. In fact…hold on…
*heads to Spotify to create an Omarion playlist*
…back.
Anyway…by the way, y'all noticed how many hip-hop artists I HAVEN'T named yet? Soulja Boy is the only rapper. Oh wait, Lil Fizz is a rapper now.
Show of hands, who would buy a Lil Fizz album? That's what I thought.
Moving on. Omarion and his preggers girlfriend Apryl are beefing with the new Mama Jones, Omarion's mother, Leslie who seems to think that Omarion is her boo. Turns out, she was sick at one point and Omarion was covering all of her bills. It's entirely possible that she thinks its still 2004 and that anybody gives a shit about Omarion (aside from me that is) and he is rolling in the dough. Either way, she claims that the money started to slow up and effectively blames Omarion's boo for this. Now, Omarion wants his momma and his girl to be close since they're all family now and what not, but momma is kind of an asshole. She thinks that Apryl needs to do all the work in keeping up their relationship since she's the new addition to the family. Momma doesn't need to be nice, but Apryl has to be.
That is pure poppycock. I kind of see why Apryl doesn't really mess with El Madre. There seems to be an icebox where her heart used to be. See what I did there? Again? Of course you did. Entourage. I'm Gon' Change. At this point I'm just naming Omarion songs.
Oh, to show you how crazy Moneice is (somebody needs to invent a hood spell check app that doesn't run red squiggly lines under clearly Blethnic names), in the teaser for the upcoming season, she remarks that she would like to "rip off some other chicks face off, but she's not going to." She says this…to her. And I believe her y'all. I do I do. Somebody might die y'all.
I just realized that I've been spelling Teairra Mari's name wrong. I'm also too lazy to go back and fix it. Fall back yo you can't go with us. Yeah you bad but yo so what.
This show has all the makings of everything I look for in Black excellence. And you should too. It's got the shenanigans. It's got the upcoming violence. It's got everything wrong with America. It's the NFL on VH1 and you know how much we all love the NFL.
Love and Hip Hop Hollywood. It's faaaaaaantastic.
(A quick viewing of LHH's Cast page has informed of the following three things. 1. I've misspelled almost everybody's name. There's too much Blackness even for me to keep up with. 2. Moniece's last name is…SLAUGHTER. How motherfucking appropos. 3. There are like 6 more cast members. Got damn, how much ratchet can Mona Scott-Young fit in one show. Guess we finna find out. Damn you VH1.)