I would cook up come elaborate explanation for my multi-week vacation, but I am unable to tell a lie: I spent the time offering spiritual guidance to Bow Wow. After much prayer and fasting, he has come to terms with the death of his career. Ase.
Also coming to the long awaited end of its road this week was Love and Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5. Yes gawd, after 49 months of ignorance, white jaysus saw fit to bring Mona Scott’s latest attempt at ethnic genocide to an end. HalleLEUjah! Mamasay mamasa mamakoo saaaaa! My lort, I feel like children were conceived and born in the time it took for that long ass season to end! I feel like a Hebrew who’s been in the desert jaysus. Twelve years a slave indeed!
In keeping with this season’s tradition of utter disappointment (See: Stevie J’s fake kid; Karlie Redd’s fake pass out; K Michelle’s fake return) Mona Scott delivered not one, but two utterly late and delayed ass season reunions - minus the reunion. That’s right: Due to continuing threats of intra-cast violence Mona opted to conduct a reunion that involved various duos and trios of cast members sitting in rooms talkin’ smack at different times. Hmm. Now I only have a bachelor’s degree, but isn’t a key element of the term “reunion” the “union”?? Apparently not in Mona Scott-ville, where K Michelle’s A-frame body is naturally occurring and Karlie Redd has legitimate streams of income.
But pause - I’ve been off the scene too long to just jump into the reunion. Let’s take a moment to reflect on the final few episodes of the glorious fuckness that was this season.
In a nutshell: Mama Dee is sticking with Ernest, because 150 years old and options limited before voyage to Upper Room; Tammy is packing up her baby, moving on up and moving on out. Take that Mr. Malphurs; KK and Tiara tried to become friends - the operative word being tried; Rasheeda and Kirk are still here; as is Yung Joc, so there you go; Tommie is seeing an intern about her drunkenness; Mimi is about to embark on her (400th) life’s dream - interior design; Karlie Redd is taking a break from love - OKKKKKKKKKK; and finally, Scrappy wants to make an honest woman out of Bambi, and shows as much when he pops the question; after an extremely extended pause, she says yes, sort of. Oh, and Joseline and Stevie J. ain’t fuckin’ with each other. Well now, THAT, I didn’t see coming. #itsfunnybecauseitsnottrue
And that brings us to the two-part “reunion” finale, shot tag-team, WWE style. First things first: D Smith, Deb Antney and Waka chose not to participate. It’s cool, I really didn’t care to look at no hard chins or miscreant weave anyhow. Which one of them am I shading? That’s the beauty of it - it could be all three of them!
Onto Round 1: The Bottom Dwellers. It’s gums vs. sharp, elfin features as Bambi and Betty Idol try to hash it out with Scrappy looking on. Bambi went AWF. She called Betty Idol out for claiming now that he’s a talented artist she just wanted to work with, but that when they were beefing, he was a has been. CHILE I know which one I believe. Mama Dee offered the assist in her Dynasty dress with shoulder pad game strong. It all developed into a chihuahua shouting match pretty quickly. Literally nothing worth note was said.
Next: Yung Joc, Kurt and Scrappy. I was dramatically surprised and impressed by all of the developments in these men’s lives. I mean, they have really turned it around! Girl I’m lying, these ninjas didn’t matter all season and they somehow managed to matter even less during this reunion. All I can say is, has Joc just completely given up on the idea of ever actually being taken seriously in music again? I mean, because every time I see him with those clothes and that haircut, I feel like I’m looking at spiritual and emotional defeat.
Round 2: But For Why? The Kings are in the building. KK is resplendent in her finest Charmin couture gown, with hair by the dude who used to trick out that afro with the bang for the Ohio Players’ frontman, Sugarfoot. I mean, it was truly an epic, anaconda braid with bouffant accessory. Her dog wore Chanel, while son Sas turned up in his favorite couturier, dirt. They explain that all season and even now people fear them because they respect them. Chile, people fear you because they don’t want their credit cards being ran up. KK acknowledges her trio of felonies and we learn that she’s about as reckless with her mouth as she is with her hands: She accuses King of not being her son’s kid. Waymi ho. You talking about the little boy you were arguing over all season? And now you wanna go on Maury? If another season happens, and I swear I hope it doesn’t, I need this delayed ass family to be marked absent indefinitely.
Next: Karlie Redd vs. Lyfe. Karlie nears the promised land of a peaceful season end as she sits down and buries the hatchet with a prego-nant (!) and newly married (!!) Tiara. Then in walks Lyfe and it all falls down. Lyfe continues to complain that Karlie embarrassed him by cavorting with Scrapp the jailbird to be. And furthermore, he says in a seasoned mixture of advanced placement petty and master teacher-level shade, when she fell on the ground during his faux proposal, he wanted her to stay there. Haaaaaaaaa! Karlie retorts that he’s the devil and his ice is fake. That may be so, but you begged for the D, says Lyfe. O’rly?!? Karlie starts preaching a mock sermon against Lyfe (her every attempt at reading people goes cornball every time) and ends the scene by telling Lyfe he is dismissed. He calls her a bald-headed scalawag on his way out the door, and we’re left to wonder if she really did beg for the D. My money’s on absolutely.
Stud Bae vs. Ariana. Yes chile, you read that correctly. Two non-headline niggas who honestly barely made it into the opening credits somehow had an entire segment of beef - and churl, wont it REAL beef tho?! Stud Bae stepped into the room in her Atl stud’s finest french braid/cease combo giving a nasty cholo effect. Ariane rocked an outrageously offensive lacefront and high-necked black gown, giving you Interview With a Vampire. And Mimi mostly looked on, whilst sporting a white Playtex 18-hour bra/pant combo last seen in Apollonia’s reject pile. The antics started with Stud Bae claiming exhaustion over Ariane questioning her/his/its/who cares’ gender identity, to which Ariane replied that cunt antics get you labeled cunt. Stud Bae says everybody doesn’t have the money for gender reassignment and that doesn’t give you the right to shade their gender identity. Ariane continues to say Stud Bae is bitch made, and points to an anti-Mimi diss record Stud Bae released recently because, seventh seal. Voices are raised. Stud Bae lives up to her petty name by saying that Ariane needs to pay more attention to cultivating her edges than to being in the control tower of Mimi’s life. True. But you don’t have a lineup ma - and those come free with the haircut. So what’s YOUR story? PS: Your wardrobe budget. Ariane’s. Critical differences. Explain. Neeeeeext!
Honorable Mention: K Michelle, glamorous in her Mary J. Blige bob and next level false eyebrows was in attendance. Because we were all waiting! She explains she wanted to come back to show everyone that she did it on 'em with her great career success. Bless my girlfriend, she didn’t know who this woman was.
Her: Does she have songs?
Me: *reluctant nod*
Her: Have you heard any of them - you listen to her?
Me: *agitated glance*
People play too much.
Round 3:Main Event - Joseline vs. everybody. So apparently at some point, everyone decided Joseline was the devil, despite the fact that she and her ever-revolving cast of mardi gras outfits are what’s keeping all of them in the finest Spondivits dinners and Steve Madden shoes. The result: Joseline was unable to “reunite” in the room with anyone for more than a few minutes. Valiant attempts were made though. She spent a strong five seconds with KK and her aggressive braid before calling her an old ho (I’ll allow it) and nearly coming to blows. But KK is an old ho, and an unhappy one at that. Plus I think her dog don’t like her. Truth hurts bitch!
For reasons unclear, they tried to get Joseline and Mimi in the same room. Mimi said nawl, this wrap is laid too Oprah clean for me to get another drink skeeted into my face. Instead, they end up talking separately about how them bitches was friends, Mimi swearing it was due to her thinking she was her daughter’s stepmother. Mkay. Joseline retorts that she isn’t sure why Stevie J went back to live with her, when she’s “old” and her pussy isn’t that good because she had it. More mkay.
Basically, Joseline’s antics carried about 75 percent of the “reunion” - which got about as old as you think, about as fast as you think, with the climax of foolery occurring when she, Shenellica, performs an on-air prego-nancy test and determines that she is knocked up. I’ve seen the pix, and I say that’s just a good French dip sammich and some Rap Snacks in there, possibly with a blue cream soda and optional Reese’s peanut butter cups, but girl I guess. What follows is an overlong, sordid back and forth with Stevie J. over who this phantom baby belongs to. My biggest takeaway: They are truly doing some amazing shit with home preggo tests if Joseline didn’t know she was preggo yesterday, but is able to claim she’s three months along not 24 hours later! PS: Why are so many people OK with touching something someone just peed on?!?!
It’s been a long, long, long season y’all. And I would say I’m sad it’s over. But I’d be lying! Until next season? We’ll see!