It’s been a long week, what with the demise of the Mimi/Stud Bae union and the consequent loss of opportunities to reflect on the morning mist that was her hair. Fortunately, this week’s episode of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5, delivered enough replenishing shade to help me push on to see what the end will be. Praise white jaysus! This week saw the return of “Yung” Joc and Scrappy (yaaaaaay.), reads-a-plenty from the dynamic trans duo of D. Smith and Betty “Fallen” Idol, and a slow motion, KK pre-fight, with humiliating post-menopausal ass whoopin’ looming on the horizon.
Let me start out with a story, or rather, a recollection. There was a time in the late ‘90s/early aughts when Jay Z started doing this shit where he would make a quip, like saying he was “like a running back” and quickly follow with “get it - I’m straight off the block” or some similar shit. I found this “get it” routine to be highly fuckin’ irritating. A comment, a rhyme, a joke - if something is clever, it goes without saying. I don’t need no cue card mane! Save the setup! Apparently Mona Scott has been listening to The Blueprint, because I swear, she’s spent this whole season orchestrating scenes whose entire purpose is obvious set up.
We open this week on Tiara and Jessica “Father Gawd let these checks keep comin’” Dyme meeting up for no damned reason other than to create an excuse for Tiara to introduce us to her new “boo” J Nics. Personally, I thought that was DJ Mustard in MusiqSoulChild’s “Half Crazy”-era clothes, but what do I know. Anyway, this ninja is friends with Scrapp and the other Men of LAHHATL and uses this as an opportunity to inform Tiara of a Daddy Day the men have planned - and to entreat her to let King come and chill with his father. The father whose baby mama you plan to touch on the inside at some point this summer? Ok sir. Ok. Why is any of this relevant? It isn’t. It’s just setting us up for more Scrapp “let me see my kids Keisha!” drama. Get it?!
Across the county, K Michelle is in the final stages of planning a listening party to reheat her career. Madame, your career has been carefully wrapped in Saran, sealed with foil and placed in the deepest darkest crevices of Grandma RoRo’s tall chest freezer, right next to all them half eaten twin pops. That’s to say, it is gone and forgotten by all but the most desperate. But I like that you still believe! Joseline walks in; she’s still giving shades of Josephine with all this dark body wave hair and I can’t say I dislike it - though it does make me wonder if the wig budget has shifted. Anywho, the two are chattering about party plans when the topic turns to D. Smith, whom K Michelle has invited to her party. *sccrrraaaaaaatch* You said who?!? Japan, the pet gay K Michelle has buffing the dents out of her face doing her makeup volunteers that his record career was mismanaged by said Smith, and bitches was callin’ me and another artist had my record, but I’m just trying to shine, etc. Basically: Queens gon’ queen. K Michelle says she may get drunk and ask questions about this at the party. Translation: It’s gonna go down, get it?!
It’s Ariane’s birthday (?) and Rasheeda has invited her to her store (and still I kee) to try on some new togs. She has also invited a “friend” - none other than D. Smith, who mentions needing an outfit for K Michelle’s listening party. Rasheeda immediately responds by saying she doesn’t have energy to talk shit about K Michelle, but manages to dig down in her shade stores to do just that. Now we have established that K Michelle is gonna say something cray to D Smith AND we have established that D Smith is gonna be looking at K Michelle askance. THERE WILL BE DRAMA PEOPLE - for the love of gawd, don’t you get it?!?
This episode featured a whole lot of little breadcrumbs along the trail to the dramatic finale and I’m gonna spare you (and mostly me) the stress of having to go through each one by mooshing them into one big foolishment sammidge. Scrapp went to his lawyer, learned he’s gonna spend about five years bunking with the “I likes ya, and I wants ya” dude, and entreated his teenaged mother to meet with Tiara and work out a co-parenting plan. She’ll try. Only she won’t, as we soon shall see. Scrappy, meanwhile, meets up with Dyme and her Wendy’s wig to work out, talk about eggplants (vom) and arrange a future date. But can I get some onions on this jr. bacon cheeseburger or nawl?
The Three Stooges (Kirk being Curly, of course) meet up at Gold Rush to see the skrippas. Naturally, some very spent lookin’ white ‘oman is there eyeballin’ Yung Joc; this is J Nic’s on again, off again. Whom Joc is gonna consider dating. Because, there are just not enough other spent white women in this town. In other news: Was I the only one wondering about this woman’s date of birth? Jaysus be some SPF50 or some cucumbers over her eyes or sumthin! Look like she was twurkin’ on the Nina, the Pinta and/or the Santa Maria.
Cut to K Michelle’s listening party. None of the resident Ladies of LAHHATL shows up. K doesn’t care and says she understands because she would also hate herself if she had to hear herself on the radio all day. Ma’am, what radio station are you listening to? Is it AM?? Is it NPR “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” - cause they play too much! WRFG independent community radio? Anyhow, moments into the party, Smith shows up lookin’ positively snatched in a black hat, her pet chihuahua Betty Idol by her side.
K Michelle brings up Japan, Smith gets unnecessarily hostile and K and her Workwear by Mary Kay Cosmetics suit uncharacteristically get up and walk away. The drama (yes, remember when we promised this? You didn’t get it??) finally begins to unfold when Ariane pumps up toting Bambi, who immediately attacks Smith and Idol for beefin’ with homegirl Tammy (See: Episode when Tammy turned Betty upside down and mopped the floor with her faster than you can say Pine Sol Mammy). Smith retorts that Bambi is clearly used to standing on four legs, to which Bambi replies that Smith is used to being Juwanna Mann.
Oh girl.
Smith, in the read heard ‘round the world, snaps back that she respects Bambi for all she’s done for the community as a trans woman. HAAAAAAAAAA! Yasss gawd! Clinging to life, Bambi asks what Smith’s problem is, to which she replies “Your face”. Betty comes in with the assist “Your teeth, fix them.” and the game is cinched, 102-3. But no shade, Bambi DOES look like she got a second row of teeth - and if you’ve seen Shark Week like I have, you know to leave that alone. Take ya arm slam off.
Finally, The Family Scrapp is meeting downtown at another desperate restaurant. Aside: It says so much to me that Scrapp refers to his mother/boo as “KK” instead of, I dunno, Mom.
Anyway, Tiara and KK exchange faux pleasantries and about 15 seconds in, Royal Rumble LXXXII breaks out. Somehow in the derailment, KK challenges Tiara to come across the table and proceeds to … get … up … and … teach … her …a … le…sson.
Note to Mama Cass: When it takes you 15 minutes to get up and tell a bitch she don’t want none, YOU are the one who don’t want none. Your fightin’ days are over. If someone don’t get that bih a King James Bible, an AARP membership and a warm shawl. Or better yet, get her ass some ol wrankled paynus. Does Ernest have a brother we can leverage???
See ya next week!