Justice Keith Bardwell of Tangipahoa Parish, Louisiana doesn't believe in race-mixing. Don't get it twisted, he likes black folks. He has piles and piles of them. He even lets them use his bathroom where one of his likable black folks could easily leave some residue black on the toilet seat. That's saying a lot. I mean, the man deserves a free shopping spree over at the Wal-Mart in Hammond, Louisiana. However, Justice Bardwell will not condone interracial marriages. He's not a racist either. He's thinking of the children. In his short and demented life, I mean "inspired" life, Bardwell has seen his fair share of mistreated bi-racial children and he just hates that. His belief sort of goes like this:
"There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage… I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it."
If it wasn't so cold this morning, I'd walk into the other room, call Justice Bardwell and laugh in his ear for a long long time. One of those loud "you're-an-idiot-and-you're-wearing-Donald-Duck-underoos" locker-room laughs. But wait a minute now. Bardwell could be on to something. Children of interracial couples do suffer a great deal. They're susceptible to drug use, prostitution and pimp-i-tution, overmedication, insubordination, early hair loss, irritable bowel syndrome, low IQ scores and a general feeling of malaise. And sometimes they even become the president of the United States, or an action star like Vin Diesel who makes mediocre but rentable films.
I'm sure every interracial couple that has plans to wed in Tangipahoa Parish wants to thank the good-intentioned Justice Bardwell. He's sparing any future biracial child from the cruelty of an intolerable world. And maybe, just maybe, Justice Bardwell will find time in his busy schedule (he has so many unborn biracial babies to save) to advise a few white couples down there in Tangipahoa about the dangers of same-race marriages. The children of those unions could suffer, too. They could be exposed to dinosaur-heads like Bardwell who believe biracial children suffer and something must be done about it. I'm sorry, if I had LAUGH OF THE WEEK list, this one would be at the top of that list.
Keith Josef Adkins is an award-winning playwright, screenwriter and social commentator.