We finally have some good news out of this coronavirus crisis.
It turns out, I’m not racist.
While I have long suspected that the charges of reverse racism levied against me were bullshit, a group of Republicans went all out on blaming their president’s inability to contain the coronavirus on the Chinese people, even arguing that it’s OK for Trump to refer to a submicroscopic material with no birth certificate or immigration papers as the “Chinese virus.”
On Tuesday, CBS reporter Weijia Jiang revealed that a White House official referred to the novel coronavirus as the “Kung-Flu” in front of her, adding: “Makes me wonder what they’re calling it behind my back.”
Knowing white people like I do (not all white people, just white people), you know they not only stole this joke from one of their colleagues (I’m guessing Stephen Miller), but they also giggled incessantly when they first heard it and they couldn’t wait to use it. Still, this racist insult would be overshadowed in less than 24 hours by more prominent Republicans who used more incendiary rhetoric.
The sun hadn’t even peeked over the horizon when president and GOP Grand Wizard Donald Trump took to Twitter and referred to the novel coronavirus as the “Chinese virus.”
In a smug display of Third Reich-like disdain that made my skin crawl, Trump doubled down on his white supremacist tweet. When a reporter asked why he continued to use the slur, he explained that it was “not racist” because the virus actually “comes from Ghina.” (That’s not a typo. That’s how he pronounces it.)
Later on in the day, but still before noon (because racism is better in the morning, when it’s still fresh), Trump adviser and microwaved Cruella de Vil doll, Kellyanne Conway, dodged questions on whether the phrase “Kung-Flu” was inappropriate by asking Yamiche Alcindor, who did not report the story, to reveal the White House official who made the comment. Undeterred by the stupidity of her remarks, Conway went full racist by explaining why she cannot be racist because she previously engaged in a sexual intercourse with an Asian man who produced children for whom she—for some reason—knows the exact percentage of Asian in their DNA:
If you don’t understand why she would bring up her children’s fractionally Filipino heritage when discussing something about China, you’re not alone. I guess it’s all the same thing to Kelly—China, Philippines, Japan...who cares? I think we can all agree that it’s not white, which is all that matters.
But those dog whistles made Sen. John Conryn’s (R-Texas) afternoon mop up even worse. Cornyn was cornered by a reporter and explained that “China is to blame because the culture where people eat bats and snakes and dogs and things like that.”
“These viruses are transmitted from the animal to the people,” Cornyn said Nazi-ly. “And that’s why China has been the source of a lot of these viruses like SARS, like MERS, the Swine flu.”
“We’re not talking about Asians,” he added “We’re talking about China, where these viruses emanate from and caused this pandemic.”
First of all, white people (and for this one, I literally do mean all white people ) You are neither genetically, emotionally or psychologically equipped to determine whether or not something is racist. You’ve been bad at it since the beginning of time, so give up, stop trying and take our word for it.
Secondly, I was just informed by my editor that COVID-19 is the disease caused by the coronavirus, which I disputed because I read somewhere that coronavirus had written a “novel.” I looked it up on Amazon to try to preorder it, with no luck—not even under the “Dat Rona” pseudonym in urban fiction. That’s how many nicknames this thing has. We don’t need anymore!
OK, if viruses had races and ethnicities, then, technically, anyone who is sick from COVID-19 has millions of viruses inside their body, which replicated from one they likely encountered in America. And everyone knows that if you are born on American soil, you are automatically an American. Plus, the person with the virus owns the virus, which means the person determines the race of the virus. For instance, if you examined the fecal matter that spews from Kellyanne Conway’s mouth, you’d see that it is 28 percent Satanic and 72 percent from whichever Eastern European country Donald Trump bought his slightly used anus from.
But viruses don’t have races or ethnicities.
However, if we are going to use this logic, then I definitely am not racist when I refer to the infectious disease that spread across America, causing the pandemic of “racial resentment” and “economic anxiety” that gave us Donald Trump, it wouldn’t be racist if I referred to it by its nickname,
“The white virus.”
Not to be confused with the new name for racist Republicans:
“Fucking idiots.”
They actually do fuck idiots, though.
It’s part of their culture.