For the first 15 or so minutes of last night's debate, Donald Trump was uncharacteristically subdued. His voice was unusually measured, his gestures and body language were demonstratively less disturbing, his eyes were barely open, and he even struggled — and continued to struggle throughout the night — to take sips of water from a glass. It looked like he never drank water from a glass before. It was remarkable, really, like a walrus taking a sip of a can of Mountain Dew.
This shift in demeanor — which I'm 99 percent certain was either due to him not snorting any coke before this debate or Kellyanne Conway sneaking into his green room to have his cocaine replaced with crushed Ambien pills — caused a few of the pundits on the CNN aftershow I watched to express that he'd improved since the last debate. And that, aside from the whole "this shit is rigged, yo" thing and the "she's a nasty woman" thing, he didn't do a terrible job. Basically, he actually resembled a human being instead of the world's rapiest vat of cheese wiz. Which I guess is an improvement. A puppy shitting on the steps is better than the carpet.
His (relative) sobriety, however, had an unintended negative consequence: instead of being distracted by his bombast and his bluster; his sarcasm and his sick burns; his performative haughtiness and his hair, we actually had to listen to what he actually thinks about shit. And he took this opportunity to say the dumbest and most disturbing thing I think I've ever heard him say.
He…
1. Believes that late-term abortions are when babies are snatched out of their mother's wombs at nine months. And the scenario he described was some horrorcore fan fic for pro-lifers. Like the baby's head is crowning already and the mom is like "Eh, nevermind" mid-delivery and texts the abortion guy and the abortion guy blasts through the door and says "I'm here to snatch babies and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum."
2. Apparently also doesn't know what a cesarean section is. Because the procedure he described was a cesarean. A cesarean from a Mad Max movie — an Immortan Cesarean — but a cesarean nonetheless.
3. Wants to repel Roe vs Wade to stop women from doing something that has never actually happened. Late-term abortions do occur, but not the medieval shit Trump described.
If it sounds like I’m being flippant, that’s because, as Jen Gunter, an OBGYN who trained in late-term abortions, pointed out on Twitter, “There is no such thing as a ninth month abortion.” Those who seek late-term abortions are seeking them before a pregnancy reaches full term but often and unfortunately after they have discovered in the second or third trimester some problem with the fetus or danger to the mother.
Ultimately, he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Which we all already knew, of course, but its a knowledge so accepted and ingrained now that its abstract. Like the existence of oxygen or the concept of gravity. But hearing him happily articulate his lack of even a rudimentary understanding of women's bodies however makes this motherfucker's idiocy more urgent.
It's both apropos and somewhat ironic that the biggest election-related news story the day of the debate was Ivanka Trump's professed interest in seeing mulatto cocks. Apropos because this entire election is a king-sized clown car filled with dead clowns. We've already spent an entire month discussing and debating the utility and efficiency of pussy grabbing, so why not throw a few mulatto cocks in there for good measure? But ironic because, while we already knew Donald Trump was a dick (figuratively), between his perpetually flaccid face, his barely-able-to-open mouth's resemblance to a urinary meatus, and his not-quite-white but not-quite-brown skin, he actually looks like the mulatto cock his daughter so desires to witness.