While we cannot compete with the likes of Chicago, Detroit, or some place called a Minnesota, it's colder than a summabitch here on the East Coast. It's the kind of cold that makes you dread going outside. I'm afraid of the cold. I have come to this realization in life. I do not fuck with spiders and cold. I have to psyche myself up to walk out my door in the morning. Do you hear me? I have to mentally gain the testicular fortitude to walk outside. This troubles me, but whatevs. I don't fuck with the cold, yo.
Now, cold weather isn't all bad. It provides ample opportunity to do any number of things. I do enjoy cold weather fashions and its really hard to have a snow day in June. Also, hot cocoa and chai lattes are fun little drinks that have crossed racial boundaries in terms of thug acceptance. Why only yesterday - and this really happened - as I walked to check my mail I overheard two of my neighborhood thugs discussing drinking chai latte's using their new Keurig. Who needs fiction when reality is so freakin' awesome. Blocka blocka.
But cold weather also brings up a bunch of questions for a person like me who spends an inordinate amount of time just looking around and observating. I also conversate. Don't judge me. Only god can judge me. It's true because I've seen tattoos that say this. Also, Tupac.
Because always Tupac.
Here are some questions I have that exist because of the tundra-like conditions of said witches titty, which, I can honestly say I've never come across. Unless I have and just didn't know it which is totally possible because there are some folks out here into some odd shit that you only find out about once you spend a little more time with them that you really can't see unless you pay real close attention to details like how they tie their shoes or butter their bread when its really warm outside…I'm just saying, I can't say that I've never come across a witches titty but also can't say that I have either.
1. Why is my car so much dirtier than others? I live in DC. Like most people that live in the actual city, I do not have a garage. Yet, it seems like every fucking body out here is driving a car that's super clean and yet my car looks to have a level of ash that would make Ashy Larry envious. You know what kind of ash I'm talking about too. Like, have you ever seen somebody so ashy that it looks painful? Like that shit hurts? That's what my car looks like right now. It's so bad that even if I knew it would rain that same afternoon, the first morning I can take my car to the carwash, it's going in. Point is, we had powder, we had white, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. How come other folks cars look pristine and shit?
2. This may sound racist - and even odd considering that my mother is white - but I truly am wondering about white people's cold weather tolerances. Oh, that wasn't a question. Let me try again. Hey, does anybody else wonder about white people's cold weather tolerances? (Alex Trebek would be proud. You know what's sad, there will come a day when an Alex Trebek reference will be obsolete.) Every day I take my daughter to school, and every day I see things that make me go hmmmmm. I drive by no less than 4 or 5 groups of kids waiting on school buses in a rather tony area of Alexandria, Virginia. And it NEVER fails; there will be some kids wearing shorts or just a fleece Under Armour shirt or something that my mother would whip my ass for if I tried to walk out of the house wearing when it was cold outside. I've seen tshirts in 40 degree weather. This morning, with wind chills in the negative 2 range (aka The Why Do I Live In A Place Where The Wind Hurts My Face Range, Chicago, I'm looking at you), I saw three little kids wearing motherfucking shorts. But they're always white. I never see colored kids of any stripe doing this. In fact, it seems like the colored children seem to over do it for fear of cold. This is my train.
3. Do these folks parents NOT see them before they go to school? Or again, is it one of those white cold tolerance things? Like if you think 10 degrees feels like 50 degrees do you care if your kid walks outside in shorts in 10 degree weather? Yo no se. Also, this makes no sense to me. Cold is cold. You know how peopel say, hey, you're from Mother Russia, you should be used to this cold? I'm like, yoski, cold is cold, fam. Whether it's cold in Moscow or cold in Chicago, it's still fucking cold so where you are when its cold doesn't matter. Right? Or…
4. I need some help understanding how I've seen so many women wearing skirts with no leggings on or anything under them out here in these streets. I CURRENTLY have on compression tights under my pants. It's cold as shit outside. When I see women with bare exposed legs I'm in amazement. Is there no draft that happens? Does it not get cold? HOW ARE YOUR LEGS NOT FREEZING? But these are adults making conscious decisions so either it ain't that big a deal or these folks ain't that bright. I really don't know what the answer is.
While we're here, let me speak on how in awe of women I am who come to the club in the tinest of dresses when its super fucking freezing outside. I've seen in a lot in my life. I'm astounded every time.
I also have this same question just in general? Do womens legs not really get cold? Did god imbue women with natural leg warmers or something? These things keep me up at night.
5. I've asked this before somewhere, but why does anybody stay in places like Chicago or Detroit or Cleveland or some placed called a Minnesota long term? Cold sucks. The summers can't be THAT spectacular in those places where it makes the winter okay. Yet folks stay. And why wasn't there more foresight on that one? Why are so many commercial centers in cold ass places? It's been cold for three days here in DC and I'm ALREADY over winter. I regret not moving to LA years ago. When Damon and I took that trip to LA to do those interviews with Key & Peele we went to Venice Beach and I commented how great it must be to wake up to that view everyday. And yet here I was this morning trying not to kill myself on the ice rink that was my back alley as I drove my car over pure ice hoping that I didn't need to hit my breaks at any point too suddenly, while people who live in Los Angeles laugh as they watch winter on television.
Only 72 more days til spring.