I hadn't seen my ex in a year and a half. I ran into my ex 2 1/2 months ago; I am now 2 1/2 months pregnant. He is very supportive, and we are making plans for names. However, he has not told his fiancée yet. I know it's hard on him, since none of this was planned, and there's no easy way to tell her. He says he is trying to get the courage to tell her because he knows it's all over when he does.
Allow me to add, this is the second time we got pregnant. We were broken up, continued to have sex, but the pregnancy wasn't successful. His fiancée knew about it and left him. I don't want him back. Why would I want him after what he has done to someone he claims he loves so much? No, thank you. I will not be stepping in those shoes. Co-parenting is just fine. But I want to tell his fiancée now. I think the sooner the better. What do you think? —C.N.
I think your energy is best spent focusing on the well-being of the child you're carrying and preparing for his or her arrival.
The father of your child definitely should have told his fiancée by now. And you're right, there is no easy way to tell her, and the best way for her to find out is for him to tell her. "Remember C.N.? She's pregnant again. I'm the father, again," is as good as anything else.
Hopefully, for her, this will be the wake-up call she needs to leave her fiancé for good. He's proved that he's not ready to be anybody's husband and, furthermore, that he can't be trusted. But when he does or does not tell his fiancée is on him. She's his to deal with. Add her to the list of things that are none of your concern. You may be carrying his child, but that doesn't give you any clout in his relationship.
Also, let's not pretend that you're eager to let the clichéd cat out of the bag because of some sisterhood solidarity or because you think it's for the greater good. If you believed either of those concepts, you wouldn't have slept with your ex.
You say you don't want him, but your actions say otherwise. Out of all the willing people in the world to lay up with, for pleasure's sake, you chose him? You continued to have sex with him after you two broke up, knowing he had a girlfriend. You got pregnant by him a first time and then, after a lengthy separation, had sex with him again and became pregnant, still knowing that he was in a relationship.
C.N., I'm not convinced you're over your ex. Your actions are the exact opposite of what a woman does when she has moved on. I'd bet good money that you want his fiancée to find out as soon as possible so she can get to packing and you can get the father of your child to focus his attention on the child the two of you created — and undoubtedly focus on you, too.
You asked, "Why would I want him after what he has done to someone he claims he loves so much?" Let me ask you: Why would you have sex with someone like that, much less allow him to become the father of your child? This man is clearly no prize, and as "hard on him" as this situation is, it's one he willingly created with you. Your first and second pregnancies by him weren't only planned by both of you; they were practically destined. It was the likeliest outcome of two people having sex without protection or birth control.
Now that he has repeated the acts that drove his fiancée away the first time, he's not man enough to confess and deal with the consequences of his actions. This man, who is clearly and persistently lacking in character and responsibility, is the one who's supposed to help you raise a child, one of the most important roles ever created. You may not have stepped into his fiancée's shoes, but you sure have hitched your cart to what will likely no longer be her wagon.
Unquestionably, both you and your ex should have been more responsible, and by that I mean not having sex, since one of you was in a committed relationship. But what's done is done, and now the two of you have to move forward and raise this child.
You've made sloppy decisions, but that doesn't mean you have to keep making them. Choose to do better. And choose to think about the consequences of your actions, if not for your own sake, then for that of your child.
Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life and relationships coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.
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