The Office of the President Joseph Robinette Biden
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500
To: Chuck Ellis Shumer
Nancy Patricia Pelosi
Addison Mitchell McConnell III
Members of the Pulpit
Kevin Owen McCarthy
Saints
Sinners
Dear colleagues,
I am writing on behalf of the 328,239,523 people of the United States of America–one of the top five Americas on Earth. Aside from DaBaby’s booking manager, Candace Owens’ edge brusher and white women who believe the Constitution gives them the right to see some sort of identification, as president, it is my job to be one of the most concerned citizens living in our great nation.
Last night, after a long day of being concerned AF, I decided to take a brief respite from not giving reparations, voting rights or police reforms to the people who elected me. Instead, I watched the latest Verzuz battle between what I assume is a team of brined salmon enthusiasts (the Lox) and a group of envoys from the African-American community (the Diplomats). Although I don’t remember offering anyone named Freekey Zekey an ambassadorship, the Diplomats seem to be fine gentlemen. I have no idea why everyone kept referring to them as “Dipset.” From the looks of their triceps, their workouts don’t appear to include enough sets of dips to warrant that nickname.
Regardless, I was immediately struck by one of the members of the Lox, a rather rambunctious fellow who I thought went by the name of Jay the Kiss. He was very vocal about his cohorts’ ability to emerge victorious in this battle of high-stakes hip-hoppery. During the latter half of the concert, he even walked around with a cigar that he appeared to take the initiative to roll with his own tobacco. However, it was at this point when he gave me my “Aha! moment.”
I immediately called Vice President Harris and instructed her to notify this fine wordsmith that he should be expecting a call from my chief of staff. Kammy (that’s what I call her—not to her face, though) seemed puzzled and insisted that she doesn’t know this man, but I knew she was just kidding. Of course, she does. I learned a long time ago that all African Americans are cousins and know each other. When she realized I was referring to Mr. Kiss, she laughed and said: “Should I call Ghost and Sheek, too?” I told her that I don’t believe in the occult and we weren’t ready to deal with Middle Eastern Sheiks. She seemed confused but she’s new.
This letter, however, is to notify you that my administration will be nominating Jadakiss to a cabinet-level position in my administration. After watching his spirited performance, he is just the kind of out-of-the-box thinker this country needs. I haven’t seen a dragging like that since I watched the Jan. 6 footage! I almost called the FBI because I’m sure he violated at least two provisions in the Patriot Act. Even if he hadn’t offered Dipset a combination platter of “these hands” and “that smoke” while dropping “them thangs,” he just seems like the kinda guy who gets shit done. While I initially considered him for Secretary of Defense (he seems to know a lot about guns) after consulting with Mr. Kiss, I have settled on a newly created position, the Secretary of Bodying Shit.
Secretary Jade A. Kiss will be in charge of this country’s most pressing policy issues, which include:
1. COVID-19 Response
If the way he handled the Diplomats was any indication, I predict that Secretary Kiss will eradicate the coronavirus by next Thursday. His first order of business will be to travel to Florida, Alabama and conservative communities to roast mask-hesitant people. During our preliminary meetings, he offered to “smack the shit outta them.” However, we settled on convincing people who aren’t vaccinated to consider the elder population, including our grandfathers and grandmother, which are apparently called “grammies” in “da streets.”
The Delta variant would fare the same fate as the Diplomat variants.
2. Immigration
Can you imagine if Mr. Kiss just stood at the border with a group of undersecretaries he called “goons”? Luckily, he was able to give us a demonstration:
3. Voting Rights
While one of his associates offered to “go to Joe Manchin’s crib and handle this sucka ass nigga,” he is working on revisions to bills that will protect the rights of Black voters.
The John Lewis Wish a Motherfucker Would Act of 2021 should be ready for a floor debate within a month.
4. Climate Change
Mr. Kiss was very concerned about his Hispanic friend Jewel San Tanner’s apparent attempt to keep his body safe by wrapping himself in a multicolored array of quilt swatches. He even offered visitors a chance to visit his neighborhood to witness how pollution and carbon emissions affect New York residents, who are outside very often.
5. Gun Reform
We are all aware of Second Amendment rights. However, the Department of Bodying Shit has a strategy that will convince GOP stalwarts to vote for common-sense gun reform demonstrated by Ambassador Cam’ron during his work with the Diplomats.
Other Initiatives
Mr. Kiss has put together a comprehensive healthcare reform bill that mostly involves marijuana legalization. Although we are still working on the details, apparently a “blunt” can cure cancer, heart issues, pain and even a nerve condition called “being shook.” His Money, Power, Respect Stimulus Plan will reimagine how we can focus on poverty and will be guided by Assistant Secretary Lil Kim, who has a plan to “Get Money.”
For your consideration, I have also attached Mr. Kiss’ closing remarks for his confirmation hearing.
Thank you for your time
Sincerely,
Joe Biden
P.S. Tomorrow, flags at all federal buildings will be at half staff to offer thoughts and prayers for the slain members of the Diplomatic community.