You know how you don’t realize that you want or need something until you find out it exists and then, all of a sudden, it’s something you’ve wanted your whole life? It’s how I feel walking into Target and why I had to stop going. Samesies with Virgil Abloh’s Nike x OFF-WHITE collection, Stance socks and hooded dashikis.
Well, we have a new addition to that list. There are now Golden Girls action figures available, recently unveiled at San Diego Comic-Con. You remember Golden Girls, right? It was the ’80s television show about Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia. Of course you do.
They were awesome and ridiculous and shenaniganful. And now they are action figures. And now I want them in action-figure form. Because they exist and simply because they exist. They would go very nicely with my Axis of Evil (Kim Jong Il, George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein and Ayatollah Khomeini) finger-puppet set and my Barack and Michelle Obama bobblehead collections. All are things I actually do own.
Well, the existence of Golden Girls action figures makes me think of other action figures I think should exist that I might also be willing to purchase if only for the fact that they’d be instant conversation starters. Also, for the record, I would not be trying to turn my home into a version of Andy Stitzer’s from The 40-Year Old Virgin or Kate Veatch’s unicorn-obsessed home in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. I have class. I’d only pull them out like fine china at fancy, family gatherings and on Saturdays when I let the Jehovah’s Witnesses in.
1. Dallas
Action figures needed: JR Ewing, Bobby Ewing, Miss Ellie Ewing, Lucy Ewing, Pamela Ewing, Jock Ewing
What? You wouldn’t be like, “Bro, is that the cast of DALLAS????” I would.
2. Set It Off
Action figures needed: Frankie, TT, Stony, Cleo
I’d also have to go cop me a Barbie dream car so I could re-enact the scene where Cleo goes out gangster style at the end. And a bus so Stoney could sit and watch the whole thing on her way to Arizona, which I think is supposed to be Mexico. Not that I’d buy those things.
3. Martin
Action figures needed: Martin, Gina, Pam, Tommie, Cole, Sheneneh
This just seems like a basket of kittens kind of good time.
4. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Action figures needed: Will, Jazz, Uncle Phil, both Aunt Vivs, Geoffrey, Carlton, Hillary and Ashley (we don’t need Nicky)
Mostly so I could have versions of Uncle Phil and Will so I could recreate the famous, “How come he don’t want me, man?” scene. Now that I’d play with the action figures. I mean, who does that? I’m almost 40. I’ll just move on.
5. Living Single
Action figures needed: Khadijah, Regine, Max, Sinclair, Overton, Kyle
If ever there was a no-brainer, this is it like a BBQ and seafood spot in Atlanta or soul food restaurant in Houston.