On Tuesday, December 2 at 10:52 AM EST, the first shot was fired by me on Twitter. It read:
Admittedly, none of this was being said to get the attention of any one group or even to cause controversy on my timeline. It was simply a thought I had about Beyonce’s new song that I wanted to share with my followers, and I meant every word of it. Dawn Richards has been doing that whole sing-with-one-not over some snapping, single-stick drum lick for quite some time. Don’t believe me? Go listen to “Bombs” or check out “Levitate.”
Now, because I know you want to, go on and listen to 7/11.
Clearly Beyonce’s new song is in the same style as those songs. But no sooner did I let that tweet fly did people start warning me about the infamous, #Beyhive coming for me in my mentions.
For those not on Twitter, the #Beyhive is a group of hardcore online Beyonce fans who form like Voltron on that ass should you dare say anything negative about their Lord and Savior. The #Beyhive acts like Anonymous, except for something nobody gives a fuck about. So when people told me to watch out for this notorious group of cyber-basics who might barnstorm my mentions, I LLOL’d - that’s laughed literally out loud.
For one, I’ve been on the Internet a long time, long enough to get my ass chewed up and spit out onto these digital streets in ways that have actually hurt my feelings. Case in point, this magnificent take down years ago that was posted on Jezebel. When you have a blog, a personal blog at that, you’re kind of used to folks saying things from behind screens that they would never say to your face.
The other reason I didn’t even “get ready” for the #Beyhive (because doing so would imply they were a threat and I felt threatened, neither of which is true) is because I know my comment wasn’t a diss, it was a critique on a song made by an artist of whom I am a fan. Besides, anyone who has covered the music industry as much as I have knows how often artists take songs from other artists all the time. And I hate to break it to members of the #Beyhive, but yes, even the woman you all probably call your mama-in-your-head has done this. Fact: “Irreplaceable” was originally going to be Ne-Yo’s song.
But what are facts to a group of people who think watermelon tastes like Beyonce? I was more tickled than shook by the idea that my single tweet could set off the #Beyhive, and I was skeptical of their abilities to phase me, so instead of backing away like friends of mine warned me to do, I twisted the knife. Here was my next tweet:
Apparently that’s what did it, and what ensued was by far one of the most entertaining roasting sessions I have ever been on the receiving end of. Below, a list of highlights with brief commentary by yours truly. Apologies in advance for the offensive language.
I really enjoy the responses in which people take gifs and don’t say anything at all.
@OverAnalystVera @jozenc pic.twitter.com/kphPorLPt4
— Beyhive (@Beyonce_711) December 2, 2014
@jozenc pic.twitter.com/VYeuNoODTn
— YONCÉ EXCLUSIVE (@Yonce_Exclusive) December 2, 2014
@jozenc pic.twitter.com/HRzRB9d0dx
— YONCÉ EXCLUSIVE (@Yonce_Exclusive) December 2, 2014
Then there are the ones where people insult you gently, almost in a nurturing way.
@jozenc but why are you mad
— YONCÉ EXCLUSIVE (@Yonce_Exclusive) December 2, 2014
“@jozenc: IDGAF about a Beyhive. They need to hear the truth about their Lord.”but who the hell are you again ?
— Fenty Knowels Minaj (@bitchivy) December 2, 2014
Look at this rude, creative one.
Then things started getting ugly and socially offensive. Personally, I was fine, but Jesus, the language! Again, apologies in advance people.
You're clearly a pressed faggot. Tweeting about Bey for attention. Her 17 Grammys, Vanguard, International Award, etc are fine @jozenc
— Queen Byron (@Bowtobee) December 2, 2014
Some of my favorites were when people tried to crack on my follower count or discredit my verified blue check. (For the record, I’ve had a blue check for a while. One of the perks of my day job I guess, but honestly, it has not changed much of anything about my Twitter experience. If anything, it’s only made my mentions more filled with folks who want me to listen to their music.)
A verified account struggling to get 8k followers. The thirst is real. Use Bey name to get your followers up disgusting faggot @jozenc
— Queen Byron (@Bowtobee) December 2, 2014
"@jozenc: That blue check is a target. Folks try to make you feel bad about having it." When nobody knows who you are of course.
— Lana. F. (@_BlueLavender) December 2, 2014
Fags like you never give Bey credit. But she doesn't need approval from a "verified" fag struggling to get followers. Drink bleach @jozenc
— Queen Byron (@Bowtobee) December 2, 2014
I have to admit, I never heard the phrase “drink bleach.”
Or play in traffic. Whatever will kill you first. You wanted attention right ? “@jozenc: This is great, I was just told to "drink bleach."”
— Queen Byron (@Bowtobee) December 2, 2014
Here was another creative way they told me I could die.
And I’m going to assume if I took this person up on their challenge, they’d try to kill me.
Here’s a person who was being all judgy after they probably saw a couple of photos on me online.
@jozenc You went on and made a whole argument about us but don't give a fuck about us. Immigrant ass stop illegally crossing the border
— Tyonce (@syn_tru) December 2, 2014
And all the posts I wrote back when I was unemployed.
@jozenc You don't give a fuck about us but you stay using OUR hashtag. You need to hear the truth about having a job that gets you money
— Tyonce (@syn_tru) December 2, 2014
Of course, I don’t think “gay” is an insult to anything but my intelligence. But every now and then, people can find funny ways to tell you to engage in a homosexual lifestyle.
Oh and this admittedly was a good one.
To me, Twitter is at it’s best when it’s not taking itself too seriously, so while others may have looked at my mentions with horror, I was looking at it with a smile on my face. I understand how frustrating it can be when people talk tough from behind their screens. But unless I know the tweeter IRL or I can get a sense that they actually live a real life through their tweets, I don’t care what someone says to me on a screen. I have no reason to believe the #Beyhive actually exists outside of one of her concerts, and as long as they stay online, I’ll be like this to their slander.