1. [Find] 2 tablespoons olive oil, one 1.5- to 2-pound lobster, 1 pound of shrimp, 2 pounds small elbow macaroni, one stick of butter (two sticks optional), half cup (2 ounces) shredded Muenster cheese, half cup shredded mild cheddar cheese, half cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese, half cup shredded Monterey Jack, half cup shredded provolone cheese, half cup mozzarella cheese, 1 pint half-and-half, 1 cup (8 ounces) Velveeta cut into small cubes, three large eggs lightly beaten, one clove of garlic chopped, one-fourth teaspoon seasoned salt, one-eighth teaspoon freshly ground black pepper and some paprika.
2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
3. Lightly butter a deep 2.5-quart casserole dish.
4. Steam the lobster.
5. Saute the shrimp and the lobster with a tablespoon of olive oil and the fresh garlic until the shrimp are done.
6. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add a tablespoon of oil, then the elbow macaroni, and cook until the macaroni is tender (not soft), about seven minutes. Do not overcook. Drain well. Return to the cooking pot.
7. In a small saucepan, melt one or two sticks of butter. Stir into the pot containing the drained macaroni.
8. In a large bowl, mix the Muenster, mild and sharp cheddar, Monterey Jack, provolone and mozzarella cheeses.
9. To the macaroni, add the shrimp, lobster, half-and-half, 1.5 cups of the shredded cheese, the cubed Velveeta and the eggs. Season with the seasoned salt, pepper and LaBelle No. 5 Mild Pepper Sauce. Mix all the ingredients together.
10. Transfer to the buttered casserole dish. Sprinkle with the remaining cheese (mozzarella and cheddar) and dot with the remaining tablespoon of butter. Sprinkle the top with paprika.
11. Bake until it’s bubbling around the edges, approximately 40 minutes.
12. Serve your now-ready Patti LaBelle shrimp-and-lobster mac and cheese to anyone at the table who’d enjoy a helping. Even your Trump-supporting family member.
13. Haha. I was just kidding. Don’t give that motherfucker shit. If they ask why you’re not giving them shit, tell them that they’ll get some of your Patti LaBelle shrimp-and-lobster mac and cheese when they renounce their support of that motherfucker in the White House.
14. If they refuse, say, “Oh fucking well. I should’ve known you’d make another bad decision. Because your life is one bad decision after another. Your life is a bad-decision turducken. Your life is bad-decision bukkake. Bad decisions take one look at you and think, ‘You know, maybe I should start doing some yoga in the morning or something to change the energy in my life because what I’m doing just isn’t working.’ Your clothes and your hair and your fucking face do nothing but support this bad-decision hypothesis. You are a garbage person from planet Trash, which is the third planet from the sun in Galaxy Shitchunks. When you leave my house today, I will break the dishes you ate off of, burn the chair you’re sitting in and donate the utensils you’re using to a family of squirrels in need of braces. Fuck you.”
15. Ask if anyone wants seconds.