If you are like me, you’re a woman who loves chicken. And I don’t mean occasionally liking it fried or coated in BBQ sauce, but loving it so much that you wouldn’t dare disrespect it by not eating it in it’s entirety, with just the sound of the bone clinking against the plate as you drop it come completion. That sound is euphoric; the image of the bare and defeated bones on your plate is what dreams are made of. Surely, you’ve faced scrutiny when it comes to eating this way — you know, right down to the cartilage with your fingers dripping in ranch dressing and garlic parmesan wing sauce — from your family, boyfriend(s), and even coworkers. So you control those urges, refrain from biting off each end of that wing flat and gracefully wipe your hands with a napkin, just like a lady should. A classy lady. You might be worried that this is it; that you can never be your true self in front of those you care about again. Fear not; here’s how to eat chicken off the bone like a pro while still remaining classy as hell.
On A Date:
So, the waiter just placed your jerk wings on the table. It smells amazing and as your date is digging into his meal (might be ribs, might be steak, who knows, but men usually eat something manly), you are calculating in your mind how to eat the most wings without looking like a walker chomping on an annoyingly slow moving person's neck to your potential boo. The key? Well, there’s a few logical things you can do here:
Direct his attention to something behind him and make it something good. Like a woman with a fat ass or a sports activity on the television. Perhaps even hire your homegirl with the blessed booty to randomly saunter around the restaurant. This will hopefully keep him occupied for a few seconds, maybe even a minute. Quickly, but not too rough so you don’t hurt yourself, take big bites from each end of the wing. Chew quickly, but quietly; if he hears a crunch, you’ll blow your cover. Do this every 20 minutes or so. He’ll find it cute at how slow it’s taking you to eat your meal. Win/win.
You can even sexualize the chicken bone by polishing it off in a erotic way. Slowly run your mouth up and down the skeleton, peeling the meat off. He won’t think you’re gross or unattractive with no home training. He’ll get turned on by your freaky ways. And not, at all, weirded out by you fellating a wing drum in public. This way, you can enjoy your meal and maybe even get some that night.
At An Office Party:
We’ve all been invited to office parties that we probably don’t want to attend but have to. But the silver lining has been and will forever be the free food. What I never understood was, however, why managers insist on including chicken wings on the menu, when you can’t even eat them the way you want to because you’re a woman. No one in their right mind will consider you for a promotion after seeing you tear down a five-piece buffalo wing plate in five minutes or less. Especially if you're a Black woman named Kim or Heather or something. Best practice for this?
Well, you have a purse, use it! First, fill up your plate with food and head to your seat. Begin conversing with your coworkers, but when tackling the chicken wings, keep it proper: leave at least half of the meat on the bone, that’ll show them you aren’t a hooligan. For added emphasis, try eating it with a fork and knife, they’ll really respect you for that.
When you are finished, slowly weasel your way out of the conversations taking place. When the coast is clear and you’re certain no one is watching, dump your half eaten wings into your purse (make sure it’s lined with napkins or foil wrap). Be relieved in the fact that when you get home that night, you’ll be able to resume your wing eating process in the privacy of your own home. Sure, they might be cold and probably end up ruining your handbag, but you wouldn’t dare put your barbarisms out there for all to judge, right?
At A Wedding Reception:
Summer being right around the corner can mean many things, but in this case, the start of wedding season stands out. Many believe the most important thing is how you’re dressed and whether or not your hair is laid, but let’s be real — woman only go to weddings to find their husbands. That's literally why we do anything. Including writing 1000 word pieces about wing-eating techniques. So of course behavior is just as important as our appearance. Weddings are often jam-packed with strangers and potential mates. They are watching how you interact so you have to be on your best behavior. Worst case scenario: you get to the reception and not only are there wings at the buffet line, but they have five different types and meatballs as an added bonus! Refrain from showing your ass by doing this by creating a decoy.
Walk up to the DJ and suggest five different line dances to be played back-to-back (you might have to tip them off, they can be tough at times). Your options are endless — a Soul Train line, The Wobble, The Cupid Shuffle, Single Ladies and the favorable Cha Cha Slide. Guests won’t be able to resist the dance floor upon hearing, “It’s electric!” or “This is somethin' new/The Casper Slide part 2.”
At this point, while everyone shows off their stiff dance moves and off-beat rhythms, you’ll find your solitude in the corner somewhere at the venue, eating your chicken wings with the same passion and intensity as if you were alone in the comfort of your own home. You’re welcome. And now you can go find a husband with a full stomach.
Final Thoughts
There's no denial that there are many women who’d find these tips very helpful. Anyone with a brain would agree that, as a woman, marriage is the ultimate achievement. What’s exciting is that this guide can help lead to that! The road to getting chose doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your authentic self. Find ways you can incorporate these tips into your life and flourish ladies. You can have your chicken wings and eat them too!
Gina Cherelus is southerner who don't like syrup on her biscuits or gravy on her chicken. She loves spicy food a lot, but that's probably because of her West Indian roots. Originally from Fort. Lauderdale and currently living in Brooklyn, when she isn't reporting the news, she's writing stuff, listening to stuff and eating stuff. Check her work out on www.ginacherelus.com. Her mom likes her selfie.