Hillary Clinton is set to release a memoir about how she lost the 2016 presidential election to a reality-television show huckster who paints his face orange. In her new book What Happened, scheduled for release in September, Clinton is expected to loosen a few of the buttons on the jacket of her pantsuit and show us what happens when she stops being polite and starts being real—I think this is also the opening line to The Real World.
“In the past, for reasons I try to explain, I’ve often felt I had to be careful in public, like I was up on a wire without a net,” Clinton says in the book’s introduction, according to CBS News. “Now I’m letting my guard down.”
Oh shit! Come through, Hillary! I already feel like I like this new Hillary, but something tells me that her idea of letting her guard down and our collective idea of what that means aren’t even remotely the same. Like when my 70-year-old diabetic mom says she’s going to “get crazy” when we’re at a restaurant and orders a daiquiri, and we all know that means her blood sugar levels are going to spike, and she’s going to start sweating and laughing a lot. Point is, Hillary’s letting her guard down is probably closer to my mom’s crazy, but nowhere near any of my drunken nights.
So we at The Root have decided that we’d like to offer Hillary a few pointers if she really wants to resonate with our readers, and truthfully, Hillary has had a hard time resonating with our readers. Oh yeah, we haven’t forgotten. We are like the North out this bitch: “bring them to heel” and “superpredators,” anyone?
But let’s be clear: Those of us who don’t eat creamed chipped beef would like to think that you would have made a better president, Hillary, and as such, we have a few tips on the title that you can send to your publisher, Simon & Schuster, should you see fit.
We hate the title. Hate it! We know what happened: You lost. And whether it has to do with Russia or white female votes, you lost. While your memoir may be exposing some pieces that we haven’t heard before, we think you should go with something a little catchier. Here are five options that may work better.
1. What Had Happened Was
I know it doesn’t seem like much, but adding “had” and “was” to the title lets our readership know that the rest of the story is about to be bullshit and excuses.
2. Fuck Y’all: How I Lost the 53 Percent of White Women Despite Being a White Woman
I mean, it’s just true.
3. A Handmaid’s Tale
This is a stretch and a marketing ploy that could work. This title won’t resonate with our readers, and I don’t think your story has anything to do with the actual series of the same name, but white women love this show. If you don’t want to appeal to the black audience, then naming it after the story of white slavery will work.
4. But, My Emails Doe
I think you have to go with the unconventional spelling of “though” because black people love to shorten words for no reason. The uncommon spelling of “though” will really resonate with a black audience.
5. Crooked Hillary: The Story of a “Nasty Woman”
I know what you are thinking—this isn’t the image you want to portray, but I think we could use this as a rap moniker that would really help sell you in the black community. Think of it like the n-word, a word that started with a negative connotation but was later embraced by black people. With this title, you are taking all the negative things that President Trump has said about you and turning them on their head. I’m also thinking you could look at changing the cover art to something like Lil’ Kim’s Hardcore album cover.
Again, these suggestions are put forth, assuming that Hillary wants her memoir to resonate with a black audience. Should you want to discuss any of these further, please contact The Root’s managing editor, Danielle Belton.