Because many people have accused The Root of not being inclusive and focusing on issues of race too much, please allow us to extend our most heartfelt, warmest wishes on this—your day of celebration.
As Mississippi, Georgia and Alabama celebrate Confederate Memorial Day (which I have long proposed be renamed “White Tear-mas”—because who else but Caucasians celebrates losing a war?), we take this time to recognize the little-noticed group of marginalized Americans who never get their due: white people.
When the state of South Carolina removed the Confederate flag from its Statehouse after a white supremacist killed nine praying parishioners of the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, I bet you thought we wouldn’t remember Wypipo-ween, but how could we forget about you, silly white supremacy? You’re staging a comeback the South hasn’t seen since the Falcons blew a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl.
We saw the look of concern on your faces during the Obama years. I tried to reassure you guys—I’m sorry, I said that wrong. I tried to reassure y’all that white people weren’t going anywhere, but you insisted that Barack had somehow cured racism. Even when I reminded you of institutional racism, unemployment statistics, your white privilege, and the fact that you control the Senate, Congress, the White House and 99 percent of Fortune 500 companies, you still tried to tell me how the white man was losing. You guys are so fragile.
I know that Alabama and Mississippi will close some state offices for Monday’s holiday, but how else will you honor this important occasion? I imagine cookouts replete with unseasoned chicken, bland potato salad with too much mayonnaise and bluegrass music, but I might be wrong. Maybe you just sit around wistfully thinking about what it would be like if slavery still existed.
I also haven’t forgotten that Monday also marks the 150th anniversary of the first national meeting of the Ku Klux Klan, which makes it a double holiday, so turn up! (By the way, “turn up” is a black phrase that means ... you know what? I’m sure your people have already stolen and appropriated the term, so never mind!) On April 24, 1867, Klan founder Nathan Bedford gathered all of the chapters in Nashville, Tenn., at the Maxwell House Hotel (yes, the coffee was named after the place) to bring some structure to the organization.
Now look at you, a century-and-a-half later, smiling from “alt-right” ear to ear. Welcome back! You even managed to coalesce your troops into electing a president based on his white nationalist platform, and now that he’s rounding up Mexicans and banning immigrants, I’m sure this is all part of your white supremacist wet dream. I hope you can control yourselves from staining those white sheets you’re wearing.
Hey, don’t let me keep you from your celebration. I just wanted to take this time to let you know that your accomplishments haven’t gone unnoticed. I also want to remind you that when your celebration is over, despite the 40-plus years you’ve been trying to put your foot on our necks trying to keep us down, we’ll still be here, unextinguished and undeterred, working every day to kick white supremacy’s ass. Happy Whitesgiving!
See you tomorrow.